Things have been...whats the best way to say it? Crazy? Yeah, I think that's the word, and quite frankly friends, I want off this tilt-a-whirl already. I'm done with it, it's only making me dizzy. Refund, rain check, I don't care just let me off already!
I totally forgot how much more work 5 courses is as compared to just 4, which I've spoiled myself with for the past year and a half. Between now and the end of the month, I have a grand total of 5 presentations and 4 papers due, not to mention 2 more mini papers and gosh knows how many more quizzes between two of my classes. Basically midterms ended, I had about 4 days of 'break' where my mind was a complete and total bucket of mush, spent gloriously recovering watching mindless television and movies every evening. Then back to the grind, and I'm finding it insanely, insanely hard to get back to work, and focus. Now, when I say 5 presentations, I don't mean like formal, get up in front of your university class and talk about something you researched. No, one of my courses is a seminar course, and for the second half of the course we actually go into high schools and teach high school students. It's a really, neat and awesome concept and I really, really enjoy it, but together, my group and I spent about 5 hours putting together our lesson plans for our lessons this week, and each class is 75 minutes long, so yeah I totally think they classify as presentations. And on top of all this, I'm currently getting sick. I've got a bit of a sore throat and have been coughing up phlegm. Great end to the semester! I just hope it doesn't carry on into exams!
My mind has been playing come and go games, and I know that the other night, I had a major melt down bit, and I did some 'thought cascading' or 'free association' whatever which way you want to put it, and once I was calmed down, was amazed at the attrocious things that were flying through my head. Some of it was about my body, and my image of it, some of it was based on family stressors that I feel as if I'm responsible for, and a lot of it was about feeling worn out or "done" as I put it. I've been working my ass off academically this semester, and so far, mark wise its paying off, with an average that is probably around 80% or higher, and there are some days where I'm out of the house from 8am all the way through to around 9pm. My world is School, teaching, work, sleep, repeat. To the point where I went to the Royal with my housemate on Saturday, and felt guilty for taking a day off to go out. Why? Because I wasn't getting any school work done. Kinda sad isn't it?
I mean, overall, I'm tired, and stressed but I'm not feeling badly. I'm just feeling the wear of my blistering schedule, and really, I just want the semester to be over. I'm one of those weird people who actually LIKE final exams. Yes, they're exams and yes, as a general rule they suck, but I much rather have finals, where all I have to do is study, write and repeat, rather than this whole, go to lecture, keep up with readings, do assignments and study all at the same time that goes along with regular class work and midterm season.
At the start of the semester, my staff team and I decided to join a intermural innertube water polo team. At first I joined, rather tentatively, refusing to play anything but goalie, because I had this notion that there was no way I could "get my fat ass to sit in the tube". Now, this expectation came from a previous attempt at playing this game, that I was kind of rushed into, and I was by no means able to actually get myself into the tube and sit in it. Well, a few games in, I finally got enough courage to actually try to make it work, and after a few tries, I was actually able to balance myself in the tube, and slowly started to be able to make myself get around in it. In our last game, we ended up having to default, because not enough of our players showed up, but we ended up just having a scrimmage with some of the players from the other team on our side. I have to say that that was perhaps the best time I've had since we started playing. I almost actually got 3 goals, and only managed to 'dunk myself' (i.e. lost my balance in the tube and had to swim back to the side to 're mount' my tube). I'm starting to be able to swim around faster while sitting in/on the tube, and have discovered that I'm actually a decent play maker. Just don't stick me in defense because well... I'm still not that good. This was totally one of the high points of my week!
The Royal, as I mentioned earlier, although the lingering feelings of guilt was absolutely fantastic. I ended up seeing an demonstration by Stacey Westfall, a fantastic western rider, who does reining with her horses. What's neat about her though, is that she is world renowned for her bareback and bridleless performances. Although she didn't bring her fantastic, gorgeous mare, Roxy to demonstrate on, she had an equally gorgeous young stallion/gelding that she was working on. It was neat to have to take some time after her performance to go through and talk to use about the cues she uses, and the processes she goes through to get her horses to the point of working completely with out tack. I think my favourite line of the night was "counter canter... a fancy way of saying wrong lead on purpose. So, if some one calls you out for being on the wrong lead you can say "I'm counter cantering!"... unless it's your instructor than you're in trouble anyways". If you're not a horse person you might not get it, but regardless I thought it was hilarious. Other than that we got to see a bunch of other international equestrian heroes, making that night a truly spectacular one for me indeed.
Well anyways, off I go, hopefully get one of my mini papers started and/or done before I turn in for the evening.
Enjoy the song, which for once doesn't have anything to do with my given mood!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
She's a Diamond on a Landmine
Yes, I know, another massive gap between posts. All I have to say is that I absolutely hate school this year, hate it, hate it, hate it. It's not my classes, or the people I live with, or friends, or class mates. I just plain and simply feel burnt out. It might have something to do with being just insanely busy regardless, between 5 courses and meetings and meetings...oh and office hours. I keep trying to tell myself that I only feel way more stressed because I stepped back up to 5 courses, and forgot how much of a pain in the ass it actually is. It's amazing how brutal just one simple class can be sometimes. Most of my courses also have a massive workload. I guess it's to be suspected at the 4th year level, but really... I'm only taking one 4th year class at the moment. Just massive 3rd year classes I guess.
I'm felling isolated too. I've only gotten to visit home once this semester, and what did I spend it doing? Holed up in my room studying because I had a midterm the day after Thanksgiving. There goes any family time. I felt horrible too, my mom tends to get kinda, err annoyed, when we go home and don't spend much time with the family. Now, they realized I had a midterm so it wasn't like I was doing it to be a bitch or anything, but I still felt bad. I don't see basically any of my friends any more, besides the one that I live with or the ones that I see while in class. School and other commitments, on both ends. Basically I feel lonely. I'm sure it will pass. I'm just stressed out. I just keep telling myself that anyways. I'm waiting for the break down. I can feel it looming. I'm not sleeping decently, my sleep cycles completely messed up from a job I was helping out with... but that should be adjusted by now. I'm thinking its stress. In midterm season (and final season for that matter) the first thing to go is m sleeping schedule. I mean some nights it's legitimately being awake studying, but most of the time, from 11 or 12 onward, I don't do anything, but can't sleep (which is probably why its almost 1:30am and I'm on here writing). Now I'm just on the look out for onset of other problems that like to surface at this time of the year. If they do I have to try to keep them at bay.
On that note, I feel super lazy. I bought a gym membership, but have only had the time/energy to go a handful of times this semester. It makes me feel disgusting. I mean I've gained a pound or 2 but for the most part have held steady since when I first moved back up into this setting. Which I mean is better than gaining, but no where nears as good as losing. As I've mentioned before, I'm not dancing which is making me feel even more monsterous. On the plus side I did join our staffs Inner Tube Waterpolo intermural team. I mean I don't play much maybe only 10-15 mins per game, but its some sort of physical activity. I also try to get on walks in our Arboretum when I have the chance. I know I'm doing the best I can, but I feel like its not enough. I'm fat, I'm lazy, I'm disgusting. Or so the mental reel spins to me. Haha mind, I'm getting smart to your games. I know that there are some external influences contributing to the negative self image right now. Considering in the past week, I've had 4 classes, separately tell me that when selecting a mate, men subconsciously look for slender women, and that less often go for 'fat' women.... guess there's no hope, regardless of if these numbers are just averages or not. I'm still at the extreme end of those scores, so really my chances don't look good... oh wait, unless I go to the Dominican, where the locals look for overweight women, figuring that they have low self-esteem and are more 'vulnerable', so they believe that said women will be more free with their money... No thanks, not for me. Anyways, I know at this point even if I was twig thin, I wouldn't have time to devote myself to a relationship, and I just keep trying to remind myself of that.... as well as the fact that things happen when they're supposed to. It's about time I take some of my own advice and apply it to what's going on in my own life.
Overall, I just feel like I'm sitting on a landmine. I'm agitated, not sleeping, angry, upset. I'm getting annoyed with people easily, both friends and strangers/professionals/co-workers/myself, I'm feeling like breaking down over simple, stupid things. I'm done, done done. I'm bottling things up, and am just waiting for the explosion. 3, 2, 1.... brace for impact.
I'm felling isolated too. I've only gotten to visit home once this semester, and what did I spend it doing? Holed up in my room studying because I had a midterm the day after Thanksgiving. There goes any family time. I felt horrible too, my mom tends to get kinda, err annoyed, when we go home and don't spend much time with the family. Now, they realized I had a midterm so it wasn't like I was doing it to be a bitch or anything, but I still felt bad. I don't see basically any of my friends any more, besides the one that I live with or the ones that I see while in class. School and other commitments, on both ends. Basically I feel lonely. I'm sure it will pass. I'm just stressed out. I just keep telling myself that anyways. I'm waiting for the break down. I can feel it looming. I'm not sleeping decently, my sleep cycles completely messed up from a job I was helping out with... but that should be adjusted by now. I'm thinking its stress. In midterm season (and final season for that matter) the first thing to go is m sleeping schedule. I mean some nights it's legitimately being awake studying, but most of the time, from 11 or 12 onward, I don't do anything, but can't sleep (which is probably why its almost 1:30am and I'm on here writing). Now I'm just on the look out for onset of other problems that like to surface at this time of the year. If they do I have to try to keep them at bay.
On that note, I feel super lazy. I bought a gym membership, but have only had the time/energy to go a handful of times this semester. It makes me feel disgusting. I mean I've gained a pound or 2 but for the most part have held steady since when I first moved back up into this setting. Which I mean is better than gaining, but no where nears as good as losing. As I've mentioned before, I'm not dancing which is making me feel even more monsterous. On the plus side I did join our staffs Inner Tube Waterpolo intermural team. I mean I don't play much maybe only 10-15 mins per game, but its some sort of physical activity. I also try to get on walks in our Arboretum when I have the chance. I know I'm doing the best I can, but I feel like its not enough. I'm fat, I'm lazy, I'm disgusting. Or so the mental reel spins to me. Haha mind, I'm getting smart to your games. I know that there are some external influences contributing to the negative self image right now. Considering in the past week, I've had 4 classes, separately tell me that when selecting a mate, men subconsciously look for slender women, and that less often go for 'fat' women.... guess there's no hope, regardless of if these numbers are just averages or not. I'm still at the extreme end of those scores, so really my chances don't look good... oh wait, unless I go to the Dominican, where the locals look for overweight women, figuring that they have low self-esteem and are more 'vulnerable', so they believe that said women will be more free with their money... No thanks, not for me. Anyways, I know at this point even if I was twig thin, I wouldn't have time to devote myself to a relationship, and I just keep trying to remind myself of that.... as well as the fact that things happen when they're supposed to. It's about time I take some of my own advice and apply it to what's going on in my own life.
Overall, I just feel like I'm sitting on a landmine. I'm agitated, not sleeping, angry, upset. I'm getting annoyed with people easily, both friends and strangers/professionals/co-workers/myself, I'm feeling like breaking down over simple, stupid things. I'm done, done done. I'm bottling things up, and am just waiting for the explosion. 3, 2, 1.... brace for impact.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Torn Apart At The Seams
Okay, I know another really, really long gap between posts. Training was busy, and kept me on my toes, which left time for writing and catching up scarce. There's a whole lot thats happened, and much of it has me feeling really, super low tonight. I'm sure the little bit of alcohol I have in my system (literally not a lot though, 2 coolers and 1 glass of beer). I should probably be in bed right now, but I don't think I could sleep before I have this junk written down. Although, I'm not quite sure where I would like to start. I could start with the fact that I had an absolutely terrible night out today, and its now almost 3 am the night before I start classes, or I could back track and talk about the movies last night which led to utter shame and embarassment.... but perhaps talking about things from the start of training is the best place to start.
So I guess I'll start with the boy. And fair warning this will sound malodramatic and stupid, but believe me I feel utterly idiotic at the moment about the entire situation. I try not to use names on here, so he will remain nameless, and I think that overall the situation warrants that respect. But anyways. Upon arriving at training for the start of the semester I found myself crushing upon one of my team mates. He's smart, and we have things in common, and listens to you when you're talking and seems to generally just get along with everyone. I also thought that physically he was also attractive. As training went on my attraction grew, and there were a few moments of some signals that felt as if he might actually be interested in me. To test this theory, I had asked him to a movie with one of my friends too, and he agreed. And then came after training Banquet... lets just say that in the midst of my intoxicated state, I let my boundaries disappear and I kissed him, albeit on the cheek. Cut to movie day. So we meet to go to the show and we're on the bus talking about numerous things, and I again apologize for my behaviour Thursday evening, thinking that he remembered that I kissed him.... needless to say he didnt and was taken quite a back by it. He states that he's confused as to why I would have done such a thing. Now this leads to the awkward conversation I was really trying to avoid having at that point in time. So I basically say "well why do you think?" and he said he thought so. I suggested that we talk about it after the movies and he agrees. After the movie he asks to talk to me alone as we're getting off the bus. I have to say when it came to this he was absolutely sweet about the conversation. Basically in the most knightly manner possible he gently tells me that he's not interested, and that he figures that at some point there were some mixed signals sent and that he was very sorry if there were, an that he wasn't trying to lead me on. He says that he's glad we could talk about it like adults, and that friendship is an option. I had a lot to say to him, too much to post on here really. But now overall, I mean I'm cool with the fact that he doesn't think of me in that way, I mean I've been saying for quite some time now that I really didn't think that he liked me back in the same way that I like him. And I'm totally content just being friends, but really I'm embarrassed about how I had behaved leading up to the situation and I'm afraid that although he's cool with being 'just friends' ( or so he says he is) i'm terrified that he will be super awkward from there on in. Everyone keeps telling me that it doesn't matter, and as long as I don't act shaken by it, he wont have the same sort of reaction. That is something I do find hard to believe though. I feel like I fucked up and there's absolutely no question about it and nothing I can say or do will make any sort of difference. Overall, I just feel numb and confused and other somewhat scary emotions like anxiety. So once again, I fail in the love department, something that I know far to well and have just learned to expect to happen. Right now I'm feeling like I'm going to be ending up totally alone for the rest of all times.
This whole situation was made worse while we were out for another staff members birthday and certain people who were out there were trying to encourage me to text said boy and ask him to join us down town can you say awkward?
.:UPDATE:. (this post was started a couple of days ago so I do have a bit of an update) I spoke to him for the first time since our discussion after the movies last night, and I am happy to say things weren't nearly as awkward as I was afraid they would be, we seemed to fall right back into step with each other and that's exactly what I was hoping for after the above mentioned situation.
Anyways, going with what I think I was getting at before... There has been some drama with my parents in regards to employment, making school and money a bit of a worry this year. Dad was laid off again, officially on the day I had to move back up to school, and Mom is facing a bit of a job change, one that will result in a pay cut. What's making it hard on me, is that her and my father are at odds over her decisions, but he doesn't know the full story as to why it is happening, as Mom refuses to tell him, or my brother, so I'm the only one that knows what's really happening. Basically I'm getting shit on from both ends because Dad's complaining to me about Mom and her decision, that I can't say anything about, and then I'm listening to her complain about my Dad being upset with her, and when I tell her that she just needs to tell him the truth she comes up with every excuse managable to NOT tell him. So I'm about ready to throw in the towel on this one and say that I really just don't give a fuck anymore. I mean I really do, they're helping to pay for school so money is important, but I'm just about ready to give up playing the middle man, I'm thoroughly sick of it.
Classes have started again, and they all seem pretty neat, well out of the ones I've already sat through. I have to say the 2 courses I'm the most excited for are my Human Sexuality course and my one Clinical Psychology course. One of them deals with sex, sex and more sex and the other one involves a bit of field type placements going into local schools to deliver programs relating to whatever the topic of focus for that semesters course is. I'm really excited to be getting some hands on experience now. And well for the Human Sexuality course, I think it's just going to be a blast to go to, and I think the text book will be a ton of fun to read too, which will be a well welcomed change from all the other junk I have to read on a regular basis. Right now I've been trying to read for my Cross-Cultural Psychology course, and the textbook is sooooo dry. Oh! Random thought. Can anyone tell me why all psychology textbooks ALWAYS have to have the second chapter devoted to nothing but research methods? I mean by 3rd and 4th year we shouldn't have to be reading all of that junk unless its completely off the wall from anything else we've already learned? There's only so many times you can read things like "this is what a hypothesis is" "this is what a variable is" "these are the different types of experiments and different types of statistics"... I've been taking 4 years of the same junk, and have had at least 4 other courses on nothing but research methods and stats.
The house mates are all moved in. I'm glad to have my friend here, but my opinions on the other two house mates are still yet to be developed. I haven't gotten to see them enough to fully get a feel for them. The only thing so far I wish could be different, is that the one would have waited a week or two of having the entire house together before bringing the boyfriend over for the weekend. I mean they're all nice enough and what not, but I'm shy and too many new people for me at once generally doesnt end very well because I just can't seem to open up. I'm getting better with the other housemate so far and the other one I just dont see enough that it makes it hard to full get a grasp of her.
Anyways, I've been on a bit of a 8am schedule recently, so being up at 1am is actually rendering me exhausted at the moment. The song that was running through my head when I had initially started writing this post was "All These Things I Hate (Revolve Around Me) by Bullet For My Valentine" so, have a listen while you read!
So I guess I'll start with the boy. And fair warning this will sound malodramatic and stupid, but believe me I feel utterly idiotic at the moment about the entire situation. I try not to use names on here, so he will remain nameless, and I think that overall the situation warrants that respect. But anyways. Upon arriving at training for the start of the semester I found myself crushing upon one of my team mates. He's smart, and we have things in common, and listens to you when you're talking and seems to generally just get along with everyone. I also thought that physically he was also attractive. As training went on my attraction grew, and there were a few moments of some signals that felt as if he might actually be interested in me. To test this theory, I had asked him to a movie with one of my friends too, and he agreed. And then came after training Banquet... lets just say that in the midst of my intoxicated state, I let my boundaries disappear and I kissed him, albeit on the cheek. Cut to movie day. So we meet to go to the show and we're on the bus talking about numerous things, and I again apologize for my behaviour Thursday evening, thinking that he remembered that I kissed him.... needless to say he didnt and was taken quite a back by it. He states that he's confused as to why I would have done such a thing. Now this leads to the awkward conversation I was really trying to avoid having at that point in time. So I basically say "well why do you think?" and he said he thought so. I suggested that we talk about it after the movies and he agrees. After the movie he asks to talk to me alone as we're getting off the bus. I have to say when it came to this he was absolutely sweet about the conversation. Basically in the most knightly manner possible he gently tells me that he's not interested, and that he figures that at some point there were some mixed signals sent and that he was very sorry if there were, an that he wasn't trying to lead me on. He says that he's glad we could talk about it like adults, and that friendship is an option. I had a lot to say to him, too much to post on here really. But now overall, I mean I'm cool with the fact that he doesn't think of me in that way, I mean I've been saying for quite some time now that I really didn't think that he liked me back in the same way that I like him. And I'm totally content just being friends, but really I'm embarrassed about how I had behaved leading up to the situation and I'm afraid that although he's cool with being 'just friends' ( or so he says he is) i'm terrified that he will be super awkward from there on in. Everyone keeps telling me that it doesn't matter, and as long as I don't act shaken by it, he wont have the same sort of reaction. That is something I do find hard to believe though. I feel like I fucked up and there's absolutely no question about it and nothing I can say or do will make any sort of difference. Overall, I just feel numb and confused and other somewhat scary emotions like anxiety. So once again, I fail in the love department, something that I know far to well and have just learned to expect to happen. Right now I'm feeling like I'm going to be ending up totally alone for the rest of all times.
This whole situation was made worse while we were out for another staff members birthday and certain people who were out there were trying to encourage me to text said boy and ask him to join us down town can you say awkward?
.:UPDATE:. (this post was started a couple of days ago so I do have a bit of an update) I spoke to him for the first time since our discussion after the movies last night, and I am happy to say things weren't nearly as awkward as I was afraid they would be, we seemed to fall right back into step with each other and that's exactly what I was hoping for after the above mentioned situation.
Anyways, going with what I think I was getting at before... There has been some drama with my parents in regards to employment, making school and money a bit of a worry this year. Dad was laid off again, officially on the day I had to move back up to school, and Mom is facing a bit of a job change, one that will result in a pay cut. What's making it hard on me, is that her and my father are at odds over her decisions, but he doesn't know the full story as to why it is happening, as Mom refuses to tell him, or my brother, so I'm the only one that knows what's really happening. Basically I'm getting shit on from both ends because Dad's complaining to me about Mom and her decision, that I can't say anything about, and then I'm listening to her complain about my Dad being upset with her, and when I tell her that she just needs to tell him the truth she comes up with every excuse managable to NOT tell him. So I'm about ready to throw in the towel on this one and say that I really just don't give a fuck anymore. I mean I really do, they're helping to pay for school so money is important, but I'm just about ready to give up playing the middle man, I'm thoroughly sick of it.
Classes have started again, and they all seem pretty neat, well out of the ones I've already sat through. I have to say the 2 courses I'm the most excited for are my Human Sexuality course and my one Clinical Psychology course. One of them deals with sex, sex and more sex and the other one involves a bit of field type placements going into local schools to deliver programs relating to whatever the topic of focus for that semesters course is. I'm really excited to be getting some hands on experience now. And well for the Human Sexuality course, I think it's just going to be a blast to go to, and I think the text book will be a ton of fun to read too, which will be a well welcomed change from all the other junk I have to read on a regular basis. Right now I've been trying to read for my Cross-Cultural Psychology course, and the textbook is sooooo dry. Oh! Random thought. Can anyone tell me why all psychology textbooks ALWAYS have to have the second chapter devoted to nothing but research methods? I mean by 3rd and 4th year we shouldn't have to be reading all of that junk unless its completely off the wall from anything else we've already learned? There's only so many times you can read things like "this is what a hypothesis is" "this is what a variable is" "these are the different types of experiments and different types of statistics"... I've been taking 4 years of the same junk, and have had at least 4 other courses on nothing but research methods and stats.
The house mates are all moved in. I'm glad to have my friend here, but my opinions on the other two house mates are still yet to be developed. I haven't gotten to see them enough to fully get a feel for them. The only thing so far I wish could be different, is that the one would have waited a week or two of having the entire house together before bringing the boyfriend over for the weekend. I mean they're all nice enough and what not, but I'm shy and too many new people for me at once generally doesnt end very well because I just can't seem to open up. I'm getting better with the other housemate so far and the other one I just dont see enough that it makes it hard to full get a grasp of her.
Anyways, I've been on a bit of a 8am schedule recently, so being up at 1am is actually rendering me exhausted at the moment. The song that was running through my head when I had initially started writing this post was "All These Things I Hate (Revolve Around Me) by Bullet For My Valentine" so, have a listen while you read!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Can You Save Yourself?
So now that I'm back to school and back to training, I suppose I should start this thing back up. At least I'll now have new and potentially exciting information I can add, considering that life here changes on a day to day basis. Leading up to coming back there had been some interesting bits that happened, could have made for a couple interesting entries, but I guess I could always just talk a bout them now.
First of all, I managed to FINALLY get my G2. I've always been a bit nervous behind the wheel of a vehicle, so I was a rather late bloomer in getting to this stage. I'm 22 now and just got my G2... but on the plus side it now gave me 5 years to do my G test. So I'll have plenty of time to get ready and comfortable for that milestone when it comes.
I took a weekend at the start of August to go visit Madeleine and another friend up where we go to school and had a couple interesting experiences I guess you could say. I'm not used to being the first one to get any attention from the opposite sex, but at the first bar we went to, I had a guy actually come and pick me off the side of the bar where we were sitting, and bring me out to the dance floor. Nothing major happened with it, but overall it was a nice experience. Later on when we had switched locations, there was some good and bad parts to that location. There was a particular boy whom I was somewhat interested in, who ended up being far more interested in one of my two friends than me. Needless to say, that was a little bit of a blow, but it wasn't her fault as she had no idea that I was interested in him. Teaches me a lesson if anything... maybe speak up sooner? But regardless it wouldn't have stopped his actions. So after taking a break to try to calm down a bit, another random boy comes and sits down with me and my other friend, and makes some random conversation with me. I talk for a bit, and it leads to him saying the following "Okay, I just want to know three things. 1. What's your agenda? 2. What are some of your interests? 3. What do I need to do to get you to bed tonight?" at this point I almost didn't know what to say. Ended up telling him that I didn't really have an agenda for the night, listed some interests and told him I wasn't that easy to get to bed.... after which he proceeded to tell me that he never said I was easy. Lets just say that shortly after he left and went to probably pull the same line on another girl somewhere else in the bar. Now if only I was into drunken one night stands, that could have been a bit of fun.. but really, I'm by no means that type of girl.
In other news, I had put myself in a pretty vulnerable position just before returning to campus. While I was cleaning and packing my things for the move, I came across a couple of my old journals. All I can say is that they're...scary... to go back and read... enough so that they had to come with me in fear of my parents finding them if by chance they decided to once again rearrange my room. They're totally filled with confusion, calorie counts, meal plans, insults to myself, self hatred and self distortion. Enough so that the strong emotions really, really triggered me, putting me on the brink of falling back into some sort of pattern, especially with the stress of the move an my vulnerability to stress when it comes to my eating disordered behaviours. It's still carrying over a bit, but nothing that, at this point, I'm overly worried about... Training provides us with a ton of food, something in which I'm trying to control what I'm eating (but in all honesty I failed miserably, and have been trying to not think of all the potential calories I ate..... because I have a rough estimate in my head and believe me its not a pretty number). I'm also going nuts not exercising now that I'm actually back on campus. I mean it's not like I'm being totally sedentary. We have 12 hour days and they do consist of a lot of transit time between session locations. Now if the pedometer in my phone is at least somewhat correct, on Monday I took 14105 steps, for a total of 10.9km and apparently 1023 cals (but I doubt the calorie total... the phone is not caliberated for that sort of thing in my opinion) and today had 14088 steps and says 11.2km... which is why I'm not sure about the accuracy of it all... but I think the steps are atleast a reasonable judge... and I mean they say you should take 10,000 steps a day, so right now this is a good thing.
I have been weighing myself at least twice a day for far too long now. And am doing it even more so now that I'm here and don't yet have any housemates in with me. I have to stop that though... specially because it drives me nuts if it says I've gained weight (such as today) even though I know that if I want to weigh myself on a daily basis it should only be in the morning, because food and fluid only makes you "gain" throughout the day. I might actually start keeping a food journal again though, not to count calories (or try not to anyways) but to at least get an idea of where I need to tweak my eating habits. It might not be as bad once trainings done though, because once training is done I'm back to making my own food, and my goal is to lose weight with this endeavour... just how I get there isn't set in stone. I'm hoping to try to eat more vegetarian now, again to cut out as much red meat as I possibly can, and to exercise 3x a week. I do still need to get my meeting and office hour schedules but it'll work.
Speaking of gym, I have to say that I'm absolutely PISSED that they upped the prices of my dance classes. They went from $42 to $60. I have no idea if I can even consider affording them at this point. Especially if I want to do ballet... but even ballet is up in the air, not because I can't afford it (I had initially budgeted for it, because my normal instructor isn't teaching the Hip Hop and Jazz classes, making me very nervous to take them now... although she might harm me if I don't take any of them) but because we might need to have 10:15pm meetings because of the icky 5:30 time slot the university decided to through classes into.
Anyways, thats a bit of an update...more to come as more unfolds. I'm hoping to write a whole bunch more now. Maybe it'll be a mid year resolution for me lol!
Current song playing in my head: Save Yourself by Sense Field
First of all, I managed to FINALLY get my G2. I've always been a bit nervous behind the wheel of a vehicle, so I was a rather late bloomer in getting to this stage. I'm 22 now and just got my G2... but on the plus side it now gave me 5 years to do my G test. So I'll have plenty of time to get ready and comfortable for that milestone when it comes.
I took a weekend at the start of August to go visit Madeleine and another friend up where we go to school and had a couple interesting experiences I guess you could say. I'm not used to being the first one to get any attention from the opposite sex, but at the first bar we went to, I had a guy actually come and pick me off the side of the bar where we were sitting, and bring me out to the dance floor. Nothing major happened with it, but overall it was a nice experience. Later on when we had switched locations, there was some good and bad parts to that location. There was a particular boy whom I was somewhat interested in, who ended up being far more interested in one of my two friends than me. Needless to say, that was a little bit of a blow, but it wasn't her fault as she had no idea that I was interested in him. Teaches me a lesson if anything... maybe speak up sooner? But regardless it wouldn't have stopped his actions. So after taking a break to try to calm down a bit, another random boy comes and sits down with me and my other friend, and makes some random conversation with me. I talk for a bit, and it leads to him saying the following "Okay, I just want to know three things. 1. What's your agenda? 2. What are some of your interests? 3. What do I need to do to get you to bed tonight?" at this point I almost didn't know what to say. Ended up telling him that I didn't really have an agenda for the night, listed some interests and told him I wasn't that easy to get to bed.... after which he proceeded to tell me that he never said I was easy. Lets just say that shortly after he left and went to probably pull the same line on another girl somewhere else in the bar. Now if only I was into drunken one night stands, that could have been a bit of fun.. but really, I'm by no means that type of girl.
In other news, I had put myself in a pretty vulnerable position just before returning to campus. While I was cleaning and packing my things for the move, I came across a couple of my old journals. All I can say is that they're...scary... to go back and read... enough so that they had to come with me in fear of my parents finding them if by chance they decided to once again rearrange my room. They're totally filled with confusion, calorie counts, meal plans, insults to myself, self hatred and self distortion. Enough so that the strong emotions really, really triggered me, putting me on the brink of falling back into some sort of pattern, especially with the stress of the move an my vulnerability to stress when it comes to my eating disordered behaviours. It's still carrying over a bit, but nothing that, at this point, I'm overly worried about... Training provides us with a ton of food, something in which I'm trying to control what I'm eating (but in all honesty I failed miserably, and have been trying to not think of all the potential calories I ate..... because I have a rough estimate in my head and believe me its not a pretty number). I'm also going nuts not exercising now that I'm actually back on campus. I mean it's not like I'm being totally sedentary. We have 12 hour days and they do consist of a lot of transit time between session locations. Now if the pedometer in my phone is at least somewhat correct, on Monday I took 14105 steps, for a total of 10.9km and apparently 1023 cals (but I doubt the calorie total... the phone is not caliberated for that sort of thing in my opinion) and today had 14088 steps and says 11.2km... which is why I'm not sure about the accuracy of it all... but I think the steps are atleast a reasonable judge... and I mean they say you should take 10,000 steps a day, so right now this is a good thing.
I have been weighing myself at least twice a day for far too long now. And am doing it even more so now that I'm here and don't yet have any housemates in with me. I have to stop that though... specially because it drives me nuts if it says I've gained weight (such as today) even though I know that if I want to weigh myself on a daily basis it should only be in the morning, because food and fluid only makes you "gain" throughout the day. I might actually start keeping a food journal again though, not to count calories (or try not to anyways) but to at least get an idea of where I need to tweak my eating habits. It might not be as bad once trainings done though, because once training is done I'm back to making my own food, and my goal is to lose weight with this endeavour... just how I get there isn't set in stone. I'm hoping to try to eat more vegetarian now, again to cut out as much red meat as I possibly can, and to exercise 3x a week. I do still need to get my meeting and office hour schedules but it'll work.
Speaking of gym, I have to say that I'm absolutely PISSED that they upped the prices of my dance classes. They went from $42 to $60. I have no idea if I can even consider affording them at this point. Especially if I want to do ballet... but even ballet is up in the air, not because I can't afford it (I had initially budgeted for it, because my normal instructor isn't teaching the Hip Hop and Jazz classes, making me very nervous to take them now... although she might harm me if I don't take any of them) but because we might need to have 10:15pm meetings because of the icky 5:30 time slot the university decided to through classes into.
Anyways, thats a bit of an update...more to come as more unfolds. I'm hoping to write a whole bunch more now. Maybe it'll be a mid year resolution for me lol!
Current song playing in my head: Save Yourself by Sense Field
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Bad,Bad Blog Owner
Ugh, I'm sorry for doing such a crappy job at posting guys. The same old, same old is going on here, so I don't have a whole lot to report. I've been working, and going out to see Boz when I can. Last week, I got into a riding accident, ended up with a sprained wrist, rope burns on my left hand, and a cut on my chin that they had to glue shut. The wrist is feeling a ton better at this point, the blisters on my hand have popped and are healing, and my face is still bruised and what not but hey, I'm just glad that as a rule I don't get on a horse without my helmet on. Basically, a bird dive bombed his head, and people outside of the arena put an auger up against it at the same time, and it caused him to freak. I got thrown to one side, was trying to hold on and rebalance than he dodged again to the point where I was too far off his side. I ended up landing on a metal gate for the most part. I had tried to grab for it to break the fall and avoid smacking my face dead on, so I mean in hind sight it could have been far worse of an outcome.
The bomb was dropped though, that his owner is selling him, as of this morning. I wish I had the $4,000 for him, and the continuing funds to keep him, and I'd buy him in a heartbeat. I know it's dumb because he's a horse but I'm heartbroken. In the span of the last four years I've lost about 8 horses that had a special place in my heart due to either death or sale. One of them was my own horse, whom I had to sell due to school, the others were horses at the barn I worked/rode at before it closed, and now Boz. I mean, that's the horse world but it doesn't make it any easier.
I start driving lessons this Friday, to hopefully get my g2 before I head back to school. As of right now I've been relying on my bike for all my transportation. I mean it's great exercise and has been an amazing energy release, it's been great for when I've been pissed off, or upset. Actually on the exercise note, according to my parents scale I'm down about 8lbs since I've been home from the summer. It's a bit less than a pound a week, but at the same time it's still some weight loss.
Dad's getting laid off again come August, so we're going to be back to struggling for everything we have, because my moms income is definitely not enough to fully support us, and unemployment is a kick in the teeth compared to what he makes when he's working. Such is life I guess, but I still feel bad for him.
Anyways, thats the quick update. Don't have much else to report on at the moment.
The bomb was dropped though, that his owner is selling him, as of this morning. I wish I had the $4,000 for him, and the continuing funds to keep him, and I'd buy him in a heartbeat. I know it's dumb because he's a horse but I'm heartbroken. In the span of the last four years I've lost about 8 horses that had a special place in my heart due to either death or sale. One of them was my own horse, whom I had to sell due to school, the others were horses at the barn I worked/rode at before it closed, and now Boz. I mean, that's the horse world but it doesn't make it any easier.
I start driving lessons this Friday, to hopefully get my g2 before I head back to school. As of right now I've been relying on my bike for all my transportation. I mean it's great exercise and has been an amazing energy release, it's been great for when I've been pissed off, or upset. Actually on the exercise note, according to my parents scale I'm down about 8lbs since I've been home from the summer. It's a bit less than a pound a week, but at the same time it's still some weight loss.
Dad's getting laid off again come August, so we're going to be back to struggling for everything we have, because my moms income is definitely not enough to fully support us, and unemployment is a kick in the teeth compared to what he makes when he's working. Such is life I guess, but I still feel bad for him.
Anyways, thats the quick update. Don't have much else to report on at the moment.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Better Late Than Never I Guess
I apologize in the long lapse between posts. I guess I just haven't had anything I felt was worthy of writing.I mean overall, it's not like I've done anything interesting this month (although there was something recently I feel I should write about)
Horrible weather has somewhat drawn the running to a halt. We've had a couple weeks filled with rain and storms, so I need to get back on that horse (i wish I could mean that literally right now) and start it back up. Right now the weather has went from being rainy and almost cold to nearly hotter than the devil's backside, so I think it'll be best if I start going back out at night, for a while there, I was trying to run during the day because it seemed as if that was when I could get it in before it decided to rain.
Dad finally got around to putting the new seat on the hand-me-down bike that he decided I could use, so I'm planning on doing some biking to and from work, and just riding around overall, so that I can get out of the house a bit more, which was my initial plan if I was to get hired at the YMCA, but that didn't quite pan out ("Due to an overwhelming number of applicants and a limited number of positions we are unable to offer you a position at this time" or in other words, yeah you failed). I also didn't get the other positions I applied for at a different job, so I'm back to square one. My parents are trying to push me to apply at a local call centre, but I REALLY, REALLY don't want to be chained to a job where I have to sit on my ass and talk to American's all day (not that all American's are bad, some of my best friends are American, but around here they definitely do not have a good image). I have a few ideas of where I want to try to apply right now, but here's hoping.
With the above stuff about jobs, needless to say Dad and I haven't been on great terms recently. He's said some really shitty things throughout the month in regards to my weight, and been pushing me stupidly hard about getting another job, which I feel is unjustified (how much he's on my case that is), because it's not like I don't currently have a job. I am working, just my managers available hours mean I don't get a ton of hours a week. I have mixed feelings on a comment he made to my mother as well. I had hurt my shoulder at the beginning of the month at work. I was mopping and and bashed my shoulder on the corner of a paper towel dispenser and it cut it down through my shirt. I had showed him it the night or the day after it happened, but I guess the other day he was asking my mom if I was cutting myself. Now, I do have a history of self-harm (it generally goes hand in hand with eating disorders), but I can gladly say that as far as I can remember, I've been clean of that for about 6-8 months (longest track record so far). But really, its in an awkward spot that would be just too much effort for me to hurt myself there, nor would I be wandering around in tank tops for him to see. I get that he's concerned and what not, which is why I'm not sure if I should be angry with him or just shrug it off.
I've also been having issues with the eating disorder recently. I don't know why, and need to find this trigger, although it's been suggested that its just changes and what not. I think it's partially due to the increased friction between Dad and I, but that might just be because I know that in the past the behaviours were definitely triggered by conflict between him and I. When I was actually in therapy for it, she wanted to have him come in and be part of the process. I wouldn't allow it. I was terrified to have him hear what went on in my mind, and I felt that it would just cause more problems outside of the office... oh and he didn't want anything to do with it regardless. He refused to even step foot in the building to sit in the waiting room with me.
Anyways, I haven't really been caught up in a binge/purge cycle, rather its been more of a I'll eat breakfast, lunch or dinner than suddenly have intense feelings of guilt over the mere fact that I ate, and I'll go, drink a ton of water and then purge it up. And instead of just purging enough to feel less guilty, it's been until I'm tasting bile. It's not every meal, but generally once a day. Another goal for the next week or so is to break this cycle, and get back to an even keel. I'll get there, I think I just have to increase my physical activity and get the negative energy out in a positive manner.
But now to the good stuff. I spent the long weekend in Toronto with Madeleine and some other fantastic friends. We celebrated her birthday and just had a great time. I headed there on Saturday, and can gladly say that I navigated the TTC all on my own, with only needing to ask her if I was supposed to take a northbound or southbound train. That night we went out clubbing, and I managed to actually attract attention from a couple different guys that night. This is relatively new to me overall. I mean had that guy at the bars on my birthday, but that had been the first time for me. This time I had one guy that was definitely interested in me, we danced, but things got a bit weird when he seemed overly focused on getting my hand to touch his dick, and then pretty much wanted to dry hump me on the dance floor. I excused myself with the help of my ladies, but he kept following me around. It got to the point that we needed to get security to kick him out. I can't help but to think that to some degree I did something to provoke that behaviour and that I brought it on myself, even though I KNOW that it's not totally my fault.
The other guy fell in line after the previously mentioned one had started to creep me out, so I just wasn't receptive to it at that point in time. In hindsight though, even though the one turned out to be creepy, they're both confidence boosts. I do however wonder though if I attracted the weirdo because I looked as if I was lacking self-esteem or something (which really I do, but I was feeling rather confident and don't think I was coming across as insecure or closed off).
The next day we shopped, and saw Letters To Juliet, which was a fantastic movie and well worth the money, especially considering TO movie prices are a good $5.50 more expensive than when I'm at home (it's $7.50 where I am and was $12.99 in TO). It did bring up some painful memories of a couple of guys I've had experience with, but it was great to get to talk about it, and finally share some of the more painful experiences with Madeleine in a great girls night with a romantic comedy, ice cream and tears/truthful thoughts and feelings.
Whew, well this has been quite the novel, and I apologize for that. But for the couple of you who read this, I hope you like the update, and I'll try to write more often again, even if I don't have anything spectacular going on in my life.
Horrible weather has somewhat drawn the running to a halt. We've had a couple weeks filled with rain and storms, so I need to get back on that horse (i wish I could mean that literally right now) and start it back up. Right now the weather has went from being rainy and almost cold to nearly hotter than the devil's backside, so I think it'll be best if I start going back out at night, for a while there, I was trying to run during the day because it seemed as if that was when I could get it in before it decided to rain.
Dad finally got around to putting the new seat on the hand-me-down bike that he decided I could use, so I'm planning on doing some biking to and from work, and just riding around overall, so that I can get out of the house a bit more, which was my initial plan if I was to get hired at the YMCA, but that didn't quite pan out ("Due to an overwhelming number of applicants and a limited number of positions we are unable to offer you a position at this time" or in other words, yeah you failed). I also didn't get the other positions I applied for at a different job, so I'm back to square one. My parents are trying to push me to apply at a local call centre, but I REALLY, REALLY don't want to be chained to a job where I have to sit on my ass and talk to American's all day (not that all American's are bad, some of my best friends are American, but around here they definitely do not have a good image). I have a few ideas of where I want to try to apply right now, but here's hoping.
With the above stuff about jobs, needless to say Dad and I haven't been on great terms recently. He's said some really shitty things throughout the month in regards to my weight, and been pushing me stupidly hard about getting another job, which I feel is unjustified (how much he's on my case that is), because it's not like I don't currently have a job. I am working, just my managers available hours mean I don't get a ton of hours a week. I have mixed feelings on a comment he made to my mother as well. I had hurt my shoulder at the beginning of the month at work. I was mopping and and bashed my shoulder on the corner of a paper towel dispenser and it cut it down through my shirt. I had showed him it the night or the day after it happened, but I guess the other day he was asking my mom if I was cutting myself. Now, I do have a history of self-harm (it generally goes hand in hand with eating disorders), but I can gladly say that as far as I can remember, I've been clean of that for about 6-8 months (longest track record so far). But really, its in an awkward spot that would be just too much effort for me to hurt myself there, nor would I be wandering around in tank tops for him to see. I get that he's concerned and what not, which is why I'm not sure if I should be angry with him or just shrug it off.
I've also been having issues with the eating disorder recently. I don't know why, and need to find this trigger, although it's been suggested that its just changes and what not. I think it's partially due to the increased friction between Dad and I, but that might just be because I know that in the past the behaviours were definitely triggered by conflict between him and I. When I was actually in therapy for it, she wanted to have him come in and be part of the process. I wouldn't allow it. I was terrified to have him hear what went on in my mind, and I felt that it would just cause more problems outside of the office... oh and he didn't want anything to do with it regardless. He refused to even step foot in the building to sit in the waiting room with me.
Anyways, I haven't really been caught up in a binge/purge cycle, rather its been more of a I'll eat breakfast, lunch or dinner than suddenly have intense feelings of guilt over the mere fact that I ate, and I'll go, drink a ton of water and then purge it up. And instead of just purging enough to feel less guilty, it's been until I'm tasting bile. It's not every meal, but generally once a day. Another goal for the next week or so is to break this cycle, and get back to an even keel. I'll get there, I think I just have to increase my physical activity and get the negative energy out in a positive manner.
But now to the good stuff. I spent the long weekend in Toronto with Madeleine and some other fantastic friends. We celebrated her birthday and just had a great time. I headed there on Saturday, and can gladly say that I navigated the TTC all on my own, with only needing to ask her if I was supposed to take a northbound or southbound train. That night we went out clubbing, and I managed to actually attract attention from a couple different guys that night. This is relatively new to me overall. I mean had that guy at the bars on my birthday, but that had been the first time for me. This time I had one guy that was definitely interested in me, we danced, but things got a bit weird when he seemed overly focused on getting my hand to touch his dick, and then pretty much wanted to dry hump me on the dance floor. I excused myself with the help of my ladies, but he kept following me around. It got to the point that we needed to get security to kick him out. I can't help but to think that to some degree I did something to provoke that behaviour and that I brought it on myself, even though I KNOW that it's not totally my fault.
The other guy fell in line after the previously mentioned one had started to creep me out, so I just wasn't receptive to it at that point in time. In hindsight though, even though the one turned out to be creepy, they're both confidence boosts. I do however wonder though if I attracted the weirdo because I looked as if I was lacking self-esteem or something (which really I do, but I was feeling rather confident and don't think I was coming across as insecure or closed off).
The next day we shopped, and saw Letters To Juliet, which was a fantastic movie and well worth the money, especially considering TO movie prices are a good $5.50 more expensive than when I'm at home (it's $7.50 where I am and was $12.99 in TO). It did bring up some painful memories of a couple of guys I've had experience with, but it was great to get to talk about it, and finally share some of the more painful experiences with Madeleine in a great girls night with a romantic comedy, ice cream and tears/truthful thoughts and feelings.
Whew, well this has been quite the novel, and I apologize for that. But for the couple of you who read this, I hope you like the update, and I'll try to write more often again, even if I don't have anything spectacular going on in my life.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Running Log and Inspiration
Running has been going well enough I would say. I mean right now its just a baby step, and by that I mean I go out for a total of 24 (yes 24) minutes. Walk at a good pace for 5 mins, than run for a 1 min than repeat 4 times. I've been able to push a some of my running bursts up to just about 2 minutes. Next week the goal is walk for 4 mins and run for 2 mins than repeat 4x. I had to take yesterday off though, the weather was cruddy. I would have ran in the rain, but it stormed for a good portion of the day, and I'm a chicken when it comes to being outside during storms. When I worked out at the barns, I wouldn't leave the barn if I was out there during a storm.
Random note, I was dancing around in the kitchen today, once my parents went to bed, and I am happy to say that my pirouettes are way better than they have been in a while. I think I was pulling up and getting under myself better, and the engagement of my muscles to help create the rotation was far better than I can remember. I guess I just needed a bit of time off to come back to it and notice an improvement. I really miss my dance classes right about now. I'm trying to keep up with some of my skills when I can, but for the most part I'm losing some of my ability.
Anyways, please forgive me I have yet to figure out how to embedd youtube videos on here, but I want to share this video with you guys. I had got it from another blog I follow: A Fat Girl & A Fat Horse its by Joy Nash and it is totally uplifting.
(Look I figured it out!!)
I'm no where near condoning obesity, but the overall message of this video is uplifting. It seems backed up by facts and in general she's promoting the message to accept yourself, and to be the change you want to be in the world. If all "Fat People" gain the self confidence and change how we view ourselves, we an change the "fat hate" we see in society today. It's actually kind of funny when you think about it, as obesity rates grown fat hate is growing as well, or at least I perceive it as growing. I think Joy Nash says it quite well in her third installment of the fat rant "Fat Hate is one of the only forms of prejudice where the people who are subjected to it feel like they're getting exactly what they deserve". Perhaps its the monster that hides in my mind, but I know that when I hear a negative comment made about my weight, I feel like I deserve it. People need to learn that we are fully aware of our bodies, and that we don't have that sleek, think ideal of the media. We don't need their comments and nasty words reinforcing it to us. We're human beings too and deserve to be treated with just as much respect as our tiny counterparts.
This is overall inspiring, to do myself better. Everyone tells me I need to learn to love myself, and its true. I remember attending an event that Madeleine and her staff team ran, it involved healthy active living and self esteem components. I cried when I was in that room. They asked us to answer questions like "The favourite part of my body" "Something we're thankful our bodies let us do". The sheer thought of looking at my body in any sort of positive light is what brought tears to my eyes - the realization that it felt almost impossible to do because my vision of myself is so clouded by years of sickness and ridicule. And aside from the actual physical weight, that is one thing I want to change. I want to be able to look at myself and realize that yeah I may have some work to do, but I'm perfect, and beautiful just the way I am. That battle is going to be long and hard fought, potentially involving some serious neuro-reconstruction (thank goodness for neural plasticity. But I will, eventually win that battle, and see myself in the light that I should be. I pledge that to myself.
Random note, I was dancing around in the kitchen today, once my parents went to bed, and I am happy to say that my pirouettes are way better than they have been in a while. I think I was pulling up and getting under myself better, and the engagement of my muscles to help create the rotation was far better than I can remember. I guess I just needed a bit of time off to come back to it and notice an improvement. I really miss my dance classes right about now. I'm trying to keep up with some of my skills when I can, but for the most part I'm losing some of my ability.
Anyways, please forgive me I have yet to figure out how to embedd youtube videos on here, but I want to share this video with you guys. I had got it from another blog I follow: A Fat Girl & A Fat Horse its by Joy Nash and it is totally uplifting.
(Look I figured it out!!)
I'm no where near condoning obesity, but the overall message of this video is uplifting. It seems backed up by facts and in general she's promoting the message to accept yourself, and to be the change you want to be in the world. If all "Fat People" gain the self confidence and change how we view ourselves, we an change the "fat hate" we see in society today. It's actually kind of funny when you think about it, as obesity rates grown fat hate is growing as well, or at least I perceive it as growing. I think Joy Nash says it quite well in her third installment of the fat rant "Fat Hate is one of the only forms of prejudice where the people who are subjected to it feel like they're getting exactly what they deserve". Perhaps its the monster that hides in my mind, but I know that when I hear a negative comment made about my weight, I feel like I deserve it. People need to learn that we are fully aware of our bodies, and that we don't have that sleek, think ideal of the media. We don't need their comments and nasty words reinforcing it to us. We're human beings too and deserve to be treated with just as much respect as our tiny counterparts.
This is overall inspiring, to do myself better. Everyone tells me I need to learn to love myself, and its true. I remember attending an event that Madeleine and her staff team ran, it involved healthy active living and self esteem components. I cried when I was in that room. They asked us to answer questions like "The favourite part of my body" "Something we're thankful our bodies let us do". The sheer thought of looking at my body in any sort of positive light is what brought tears to my eyes - the realization that it felt almost impossible to do because my vision of myself is so clouded by years of sickness and ridicule. And aside from the actual physical weight, that is one thing I want to change. I want to be able to look at myself and realize that yeah I may have some work to do, but I'm perfect, and beautiful just the way I am. That battle is going to be long and hard fought, potentially involving some serious neuro-reconstruction (thank goodness for neural plasticity. But I will, eventually win that battle, and see myself in the light that I should be. I pledge that to myself.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Lets Try Something New
Sooooo being that tomorrow (err well Today) is Monday, it means that its the perfect time to try to get into a new routine. I've been trying to figure out something cost effective to try to do while at home in attempts to keep up with the exercise I was doing while I was still away at school. I'm thinking that tomorrow I'm going to start attempting to jog. I'm going to follow the Weight Watchers routine to get to be a 10:1 runner, so we'll see. I'm still kind of leery to be out and running, afraid of peoples words and such but hey we'll give it a go.
I finally finished one of the books I was attempting to finish. Now my mom's taken it, suddenly interested in it. I'm not sure if it's really her sort of book but hey she'll read just about anything at least until she's gotten far enough to realize that she doesn't enjoy it. I started reading the His Dark Materials triology by Philip Pullman. I had gotten half way through the Golden Compass years ago, but never finished it. So I want to read the entire trilogy this summer.
Tomorrow mom, my brother and I are going to see my step-grandmother. Since I was old enough to understand that she was my grandfathers second wife, I've never been quite sure how to refer to her when talking to other people. I mean we called her Grandma, but it's still one of those slightly awkward sort of things to bring up. Anyways, we haven't seen her since my grandfather passed away back when I was in High School, pretty much because my dad cut her out of his life once his dad died. I don't quite like feeling as if we're going behind his back, but I understand why mom is having us go to see her.
Am still waiting to hear back from the YMCA to see if I got hired or not, and am going to follow up with a couple places this week, as well as going to look into getting some driving lessons so that perhaps I can actually pass my G2 this year. I'm still bitter over failing the first time, even though I know that most people fail their first time out. Oh well, shit happens I guess.
Anyways off to bed with me, so I can be ready to try to start thing whole running deal :)
I finally finished one of the books I was attempting to finish. Now my mom's taken it, suddenly interested in it. I'm not sure if it's really her sort of book but hey she'll read just about anything at least until she's gotten far enough to realize that she doesn't enjoy it. I started reading the His Dark Materials triology by Philip Pullman. I had gotten half way through the Golden Compass years ago, but never finished it. So I want to read the entire trilogy this summer.
Tomorrow mom, my brother and I are going to see my step-grandmother. Since I was old enough to understand that she was my grandfathers second wife, I've never been quite sure how to refer to her when talking to other people. I mean we called her Grandma, but it's still one of those slightly awkward sort of things to bring up. Anyways, we haven't seen her since my grandfather passed away back when I was in High School, pretty much because my dad cut her out of his life once his dad died. I don't quite like feeling as if we're going behind his back, but I understand why mom is having us go to see her.
Am still waiting to hear back from the YMCA to see if I got hired or not, and am going to follow up with a couple places this week, as well as going to look into getting some driving lessons so that perhaps I can actually pass my G2 this year. I'm still bitter over failing the first time, even though I know that most people fail their first time out. Oh well, shit happens I guess.
Anyways off to bed with me, so I can be ready to try to start thing whole running deal :)
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Coming Down Off The High
So at this point in time, I'm finally having the always on the go feeling of being busy with academic life finally starting to fade. It's a great feeling, I mean not feeling like I'm running on a constant deadline and that I'm struggling to keep my head above the water. I managed to finish the semester off with a 79.7% average. It's a great average but the perfectionist in me is kicking myself for not nailing that extra .3% to get the 80% and achieve our Dean's Honours List standing again. I mean, at this point mark's are important, and I'm worrying about not being able to qualify for Grad school.
I struggled with a 'bulimic' day today. Binge eating and purging. Not my idea of a perfect day, I hate the feelings associated with it, but one day isn't the end of the world, and tomorrow will be a new day to pick up and right the wrongs that I made today. I generally have days like this when I'm readjusting to being back home. So Christmas and Summer are prime time to see come and go days. This is the first time in the week I've been home, so I'm hoping that this will be one of the only ones I have. On Monday, I plan on getting a bit bold, and starting a jogging regime. I had bought a Weight Watchers Magazine and they have a great schedule set out to have you running 20 minutes straight a day in 8 weeks. I'm planning on making that a goal for the summer. I'm absolutely terrified. I've tried to run a few times and had people make some rather inappropriate comments. Unfortunately I really cling onto words, so I'm thinking I'll just have to plug in my ipod or cellphone and just ignore them.
I also need to get my G2 this summer. I tried last summer but failed. I'm adding that onto my list of things I need to do this coming week - go into our drivers ed place and see what it'd cost to take some in car lessons to brush up on my skills to try again. I also have to work on my novel some more this summer, maybe, hopefully finish it (I doubt it though... its sat untouched for a few years now at 99 pages). The thing with it though, is that I started writing it for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) back when I was at the height of my illness, so now that I'm 100x better than I was back there, it's hard to pick it back up. But, I've put so much work into it I HAVE to finish it eventually, especially because I know exactly where I want to go with it.
I want to dance and/or ride as well, but we'll have to see. That's going to come down to a money and time game. I'm still waiting to hear back from the YMCA or the other 2 jobs I applied for, to see if I'm going to have more than just KFC on my list of duties for the summer. I have a couple different places to ride at in mind, and need to get a better look at what's out there for dance.
Lastly, I want to get back in touch with my artistic side. I do a lot of work on photoshop, doing photo manipulations for a few horse related games that I play. Here are some examples of more recentish stuff
Most of these were made to be layouts for the game. Basically most of these are taking different images, the backgrounds, the horses, different fonts and brushes and putting them together to make different creates. Although they may be hard to see in the small forms, all the components of the pictures are credited on them. So the manipulations are mine but the individual component photos, with the exception of the photo for the Big Riders Association one and the drawing in The American Saddlebred Association, don't belong to me.
I struggled with a 'bulimic' day today. Binge eating and purging. Not my idea of a perfect day, I hate the feelings associated with it, but one day isn't the end of the world, and tomorrow will be a new day to pick up and right the wrongs that I made today. I generally have days like this when I'm readjusting to being back home. So Christmas and Summer are prime time to see come and go days. This is the first time in the week I've been home, so I'm hoping that this will be one of the only ones I have. On Monday, I plan on getting a bit bold, and starting a jogging regime. I had bought a Weight Watchers Magazine and they have a great schedule set out to have you running 20 minutes straight a day in 8 weeks. I'm planning on making that a goal for the summer. I'm absolutely terrified. I've tried to run a few times and had people make some rather inappropriate comments. Unfortunately I really cling onto words, so I'm thinking I'll just have to plug in my ipod or cellphone and just ignore them.
I also need to get my G2 this summer. I tried last summer but failed. I'm adding that onto my list of things I need to do this coming week - go into our drivers ed place and see what it'd cost to take some in car lessons to brush up on my skills to try again. I also have to work on my novel some more this summer, maybe, hopefully finish it (I doubt it though... its sat untouched for a few years now at 99 pages). The thing with it though, is that I started writing it for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) back when I was at the height of my illness, so now that I'm 100x better than I was back there, it's hard to pick it back up. But, I've put so much work into it I HAVE to finish it eventually, especially because I know exactly where I want to go with it.
I want to dance and/or ride as well, but we'll have to see. That's going to come down to a money and time game. I'm still waiting to hear back from the YMCA or the other 2 jobs I applied for, to see if I'm going to have more than just KFC on my list of duties for the summer. I have a couple different places to ride at in mind, and need to get a better look at what's out there for dance.
Lastly, I want to get back in touch with my artistic side. I do a lot of work on photoshop, doing photo manipulations for a few horse related games that I play. Here are some examples of more recentish stuff
Most of these were made to be layouts for the game. Basically most of these are taking different images, the backgrounds, the horses, different fonts and brushes and putting them together to make different creates. Although they may be hard to see in the small forms, all the components of the pictures are credited on them. So the manipulations are mine but the individual component photos, with the exception of the photo for the Big Riders Association one and the drawing in The American Saddlebred Association, don't belong to me.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Old Skool Music
I just felt I had to comment on the fact that I spent this evening listening to music from back when I was in my late elementary school/early high school years. It's kind of neat to hear how music, and my own individual tastes have changed in the 11 (?) years since I was in grade 6 till now. Songs like Butterfly by Crazy Town, What's Your Fantasy by Ludacris, Fill Me In by Craig David, songs by The Calling, The Hamster Dance, and some of the old country music I liked, songs by Deanna Carter, Jessica Andrews, Adam Gregory, JoDee Messina, Toby Keith, Keith Urban etc.
Now, I find myself, depending on the time of the year, drifting between listening to hip/hop and rock music. Sometimes the nostalgia of the older music is nice. I also go through phases when I listen to the music I grew up with, as in the stuff that my parent's would listen to when I was younger, which I actually really enjoy.
This brings back memories of old school dances, and how utterly painful they were, on everyone's part. There are also memories of Video Dances we used to go to, where I socialized with a bunch of the wrong people, and had the potential to get myself into a ton of trouble but still managed to have insanely goo times. I think that was the first time I ever ground with a guy haha. It's almost embarassing to think about it now. At that point in time though, I was hanging out with people who were a couple years older, and was at a age where I was very easily influenced. I'm surprised I didn't get into more trouble than I did at that point. Although, that group did eventually lead to my first real kiss, but that's a whole other story.
Overall, I think to some degree I miss the old music. I mean yeah it still had its overly sexual themes (just thinking of What's Your Fantasy and The Bad Touch) but really, it just didn't seem as vulgar back then -shrugs- or maybe its just me being more desensitized to the newer stuff making all of this seem very, very mild.
What songs are really memorable to you guys?
Now, I find myself, depending on the time of the year, drifting between listening to hip/hop and rock music. Sometimes the nostalgia of the older music is nice. I also go through phases when I listen to the music I grew up with, as in the stuff that my parent's would listen to when I was younger, which I actually really enjoy.
This brings back memories of old school dances, and how utterly painful they were, on everyone's part. There are also memories of Video Dances we used to go to, where I socialized with a bunch of the wrong people, and had the potential to get myself into a ton of trouble but still managed to have insanely goo times. I think that was the first time I ever ground with a guy haha. It's almost embarassing to think about it now. At that point in time though, I was hanging out with people who were a couple years older, and was at a age where I was very easily influenced. I'm surprised I didn't get into more trouble than I did at that point. Although, that group did eventually lead to my first real kiss, but that's a whole other story.
Overall, I think to some degree I miss the old music. I mean yeah it still had its overly sexual themes (just thinking of What's Your Fantasy and The Bad Touch) but really, it just didn't seem as vulgar back then -shrugs- or maybe its just me being more desensitized to the newer stuff making all of this seem very, very mild.
What songs are really memorable to you guys?
Monday, April 26, 2010
School's Out For The Summer
Whew! 3rd year is FINALLY done! It was a long, hard, sometimes lonely year but in hindsight it was definitely rewarding. I learned a lot, about myself as a leader and just overall as a person, I grew in many ways, developed some new connections and friends, and forged even closer, deeper friendships with some of those who I knew going into the year. It also set me up with some new found courage, beyond what I had last summer.
I'm not sure how all of my exams went. I know I got an 80% one one of them, but I haven't seen any of my other marks yet. I believe they're being posted on the 30th though. It's funny though. Being home, and knowing that I'm home for 4 months without having to even think of learning and academics, I have this incessant feeling that I need to be studying or something. Maybe its a hint that I need to do some reading, for pleasure, which is something I haven't done since last August. I have a couple books on the go that I should finish. One of the books I was reading is called When Rabbit Howls by "The Troops" for Trudy Chase. It's about a woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder (when it was written though, it was before the term DID was used and these patients were referred to as having Multiple Personality Disorder). I'm so close to being done it. The other one I've been reading is a self-help book called "It's Not About Food" to work on coming out of the Eating Disorder mind set. It had some really good suggestions in it from when I was reading it before. I'm hoping to find out ways to help keep my mind on an even keel, and how to drop some of this weight without resorting to my "security blanket".
I hope to see some more changes this summer. My parents are finally starting to get serious about their own health, keeping less junk food in the house, doing more fresh cooking and dad's been trying to be a bit more physical. Mom could still use some changing however. Dad hasn't smoked since the Olympics, but she's definitely making up for what he's not smoking. But either way, this could be adventageous for me. I'm rather stoked for it. Dad's also going to fix up his one bike for me, so I can do some biking to and from work and that. I figure anything extra will help, considering I don't have access to a gym at this point in time.
I also applied for another job, and had the 'audition' (aka interview) for it today. I decided to try for the group counselor and support counselor positions at the local YMCA. It's a full time job, and I could definitely use the money and experience. I also still have my normal job at KFC, but it's only a max of 20 hours a week. Dad has been laid off for well over a year, so school this year is going to be tight, which is part of the reason I applied for this job. I've also applied at our local community living as a support worker for individuals with developmental disorders. Haven't heard back from them unfortunately.
Overall, I'm just glad to be home for the summer, although I'll miss a bunch of the people from school and can't wait to see them all again. The break is going to be nice though.
I'm not sure how all of my exams went. I know I got an 80% one one of them, but I haven't seen any of my other marks yet. I believe they're being posted on the 30th though. It's funny though. Being home, and knowing that I'm home for 4 months without having to even think of learning and academics, I have this incessant feeling that I need to be studying or something. Maybe its a hint that I need to do some reading, for pleasure, which is something I haven't done since last August. I have a couple books on the go that I should finish. One of the books I was reading is called When Rabbit Howls by "The Troops" for Trudy Chase. It's about a woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder (when it was written though, it was before the term DID was used and these patients were referred to as having Multiple Personality Disorder). I'm so close to being done it. The other one I've been reading is a self-help book called "It's Not About Food" to work on coming out of the Eating Disorder mind set. It had some really good suggestions in it from when I was reading it before. I'm hoping to find out ways to help keep my mind on an even keel, and how to drop some of this weight without resorting to my "security blanket".
I hope to see some more changes this summer. My parents are finally starting to get serious about their own health, keeping less junk food in the house, doing more fresh cooking and dad's been trying to be a bit more physical. Mom could still use some changing however. Dad hasn't smoked since the Olympics, but she's definitely making up for what he's not smoking. But either way, this could be adventageous for me. I'm rather stoked for it. Dad's also going to fix up his one bike for me, so I can do some biking to and from work and that. I figure anything extra will help, considering I don't have access to a gym at this point in time.
I also applied for another job, and had the 'audition' (aka interview) for it today. I decided to try for the group counselor and support counselor positions at the local YMCA. It's a full time job, and I could definitely use the money and experience. I also still have my normal job at KFC, but it's only a max of 20 hours a week. Dad has been laid off for well over a year, so school this year is going to be tight, which is part of the reason I applied for this job. I've also applied at our local community living as a support worker for individuals with developmental disorders. Haven't heard back from them unfortunately.
Overall, I'm just glad to be home for the summer, although I'll miss a bunch of the people from school and can't wait to see them all again. The break is going to be nice though.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Words/Actions of Wisdom
First of all, to go with the title of this post, it was inspired by a post on another blog I follow, (post titled "Life Changing Moments"), as well as a 'quest' on a game that I play looking what motivates you to do what you do. A recent fight with a friend over my food/weight/scale issues also made me think of how I have changed over this past semester and what had inspired those changes.
When I stop to think about the changes in myself, I can see a few select things. Although I am still often plagued with self-doubt, low self-concept and self-esteem, my daily average is still far more than it was when I was in high school. What brought about this change? Was it just age? being away from my home environment? or the activities I've been involved in?
First of all, my time management and sensitivity to deadlines has greatly increased, and so far I think that's the only way I've managed to get this far in university. This is thanks to two people. One of which, my grade 10-12 art teacher, gave me the advice "write it down in three places" including the day before something is due, and the day it is due, that way you're aware of it, and more likely to get it done. The other was a good friend of mine who is graduating this year. She gave me a crash course in scheduling last year, when I had a crazy hard exam schedule (3 finals in the span of 24 hours). Without her pep talk about 'sit down, write a schedule, than stick to it', I have no idea how I would have survived without going insane. Now, I don't need to micromanage my time during tight times like that (because now I get how to do it, and I generally schedule better in my head anyways)
"Don't study the morning before and exam" this one was spoken by my grade 11 and 12 chemistry teacher. This gentleman was fresh out of university, so he had lots of great advice for us going on to post secondary education and really understood where we were coming from. I remember him telling us that he hated it when he saw all these people cramming just before they walked into their exam. His logic behind NOT studying the day of an exam: You probably won't learn something new, and if you do, you'll probably forget something you've already learned. So in all reality you're not making any new gains. Now, I may still study the day of an exam, but I definitely make a point of taking at least 2 hours off before I have to write the exam, so that way my brain can relax and actually consolidate anything new I may have learned. I definitely stress FAR LESS going into exams now. The same teacher also gave me this gem (and this one is copied and pasted directly from an e-email he sent me when I was in my first year here) "Take a deep breath and try to split the information into two parts - stuff you know and stuff you don't know. If you know it, don't study it. If you don't, study it and make some questions to get help with. That's it. The most successful people aren't those who know their strengths but those who know their weaknesses!" This has made studying way easier than I could have imagined. Again, this is definitely something that has helped me get through my first 3 years of university. I don't think i would have survived first year Chemistry if it wasn't for this man.
"Ain't nobodies eyes but mine" - This one was curtosy of my lovely, lovely dance instructor here at the school. As I've said before self confidence isn't a strong point in my repetoire of personality traits. In this one, I had did my first year of dance, doing hip hop, which was HUGE step for me to take to begin with, and took a couple friends to be there for moral support. The same teacher also taught beginner Jazz, which I decided I wanted to take. So come second year, I take this class, and then within the first couple of classes, have 2 anxiety attacks due to the 'across the room' (for those of you who don't dance, its basically we line up in about 4 to 5 lines across the one end of the studio, and one person from each line takes a turn doing a sequence of steps down to the other end of the room) and the feelings of everyone's eyes being on me and being worried about 'fucking up' and 'being bad at it'. I had a rather tear-filled discussion with her after class, which resulted in being told that I was doing fantastically for my first couple of Jazz classes, and that when it come's to it, it would be ain't nobodies eyes but hers on me while I was doing it, and that it was only her eyes that mattered. After that, I don't think I ever had another panic attack in one of those classes, gained confidence in my ability as a dancer, and have even since moved on to also take Ballet, in a totally different studio that she has no affiliation with - not because I think I'm great or anything, but because I just love dance. I've only been dancing for 3 years now, but I've advanced in leaps and bounds, and my overall self-confidence and self-esteem has greatly improved, especially during this year in dance, when I was being placed in more major roles in the dances and being placed at the front of the group, especially in hiphop (which is still my forte)
"By trying and asking questions, you will succeed. Not trying and not asking will cause you to fail." That one was compliments of my mother. I had a really, really hard time adjusting to first year university, so badly we didn't think I'd make it through first year, and that I'd need to withdraw. Part of it was that I was terrified to ask question, and to get help, be in academically or psychologically. She wrote this on a simple piece of blank paper, and put it up on my wall. It's been posted every year since, just as a reminder when I'm not feeling like I can do something, to ask questions and to try my hardest, and even if it's not the best mark in the world, or the outcome I was specifically looking at, I will succeed in a way that I was meant to.
"When we look at you we doing see your shape or size, we see just you" and "it's just like you walking around with 3-4 textbooks in your backpack. It ain't gonna kill him to go for an hours ride once or twice a week" These were spoken by the my husband and wife team of riding instructors at my old barn. The first one was said when I very first started with them, when I was talking about some of the adversity I have faced being an obese person trying to succeed in the world of horseback riding. I had been riding for about 9 years at that point in time, but was getting harder to find places after I had to sell my horse, because no one was comfortable having a rider of my size get on their horses. They looked past my weight and saw how I do ride, and the person I am on the inside. That comment made that place feel like home. The second one came when I was having a low day, and said something about feeling too big to ride our 14.2hh arabian x quarter horse. It was just a feel good comment, and gave me courage to be able to stand up to some people about the type of horses the may or may not let me ride, and to realize that I wouldn't 'break his back' like some of the kids in my grade school classes told me when they found out that I was taking riding lessons.
I'm sure I have way more that I could boast about, but at this point in time, it's nearly 4am, and I definitely need to get some sleep. Last day to study for my exam on Thursday, soooo I need to get up at some sort of decent hour. But before I leave, what are some of the inspirational stories you guys have, or words of wisdom that have been passed to you, and made a difference in your life? Please share!
Have a great night
-Red
When I stop to think about the changes in myself, I can see a few select things. Although I am still often plagued with self-doubt, low self-concept and self-esteem, my daily average is still far more than it was when I was in high school. What brought about this change? Was it just age? being away from my home environment? or the activities I've been involved in?
First of all, my time management and sensitivity to deadlines has greatly increased, and so far I think that's the only way I've managed to get this far in university. This is thanks to two people. One of which, my grade 10-12 art teacher, gave me the advice "write it down in three places" including the day before something is due, and the day it is due, that way you're aware of it, and more likely to get it done. The other was a good friend of mine who is graduating this year. She gave me a crash course in scheduling last year, when I had a crazy hard exam schedule (3 finals in the span of 24 hours). Without her pep talk about 'sit down, write a schedule, than stick to it', I have no idea how I would have survived without going insane. Now, I don't need to micromanage my time during tight times like that (because now I get how to do it, and I generally schedule better in my head anyways)
"Don't study the morning before and exam" this one was spoken by my grade 11 and 12 chemistry teacher. This gentleman was fresh out of university, so he had lots of great advice for us going on to post secondary education and really understood where we were coming from. I remember him telling us that he hated it when he saw all these people cramming just before they walked into their exam. His logic behind NOT studying the day of an exam: You probably won't learn something new, and if you do, you'll probably forget something you've already learned. So in all reality you're not making any new gains. Now, I may still study the day of an exam, but I definitely make a point of taking at least 2 hours off before I have to write the exam, so that way my brain can relax and actually consolidate anything new I may have learned. I definitely stress FAR LESS going into exams now. The same teacher also gave me this gem (and this one is copied and pasted directly from an e-email he sent me when I was in my first year here) "Take a deep breath and try to split the information into two parts - stuff you know and stuff you don't know. If you know it, don't study it. If you don't, study it and make some questions to get help with. That's it. The most successful people aren't those who know their strengths but those who know their weaknesses!" This has made studying way easier than I could have imagined. Again, this is definitely something that has helped me get through my first 3 years of university. I don't think i would have survived first year Chemistry if it wasn't for this man.
"Ain't nobodies eyes but mine" - This one was curtosy of my lovely, lovely dance instructor here at the school. As I've said before self confidence isn't a strong point in my repetoire of personality traits. In this one, I had did my first year of dance, doing hip hop, which was HUGE step for me to take to begin with, and took a couple friends to be there for moral support. The same teacher also taught beginner Jazz, which I decided I wanted to take. So come second year, I take this class, and then within the first couple of classes, have 2 anxiety attacks due to the 'across the room' (for those of you who don't dance, its basically we line up in about 4 to 5 lines across the one end of the studio, and one person from each line takes a turn doing a sequence of steps down to the other end of the room) and the feelings of everyone's eyes being on me and being worried about 'fucking up' and 'being bad at it'. I had a rather tear-filled discussion with her after class, which resulted in being told that I was doing fantastically for my first couple of Jazz classes, and that when it come's to it, it would be ain't nobodies eyes but hers on me while I was doing it, and that it was only her eyes that mattered. After that, I don't think I ever had another panic attack in one of those classes, gained confidence in my ability as a dancer, and have even since moved on to also take Ballet, in a totally different studio that she has no affiliation with - not because I think I'm great or anything, but because I just love dance. I've only been dancing for 3 years now, but I've advanced in leaps and bounds, and my overall self-confidence and self-esteem has greatly improved, especially during this year in dance, when I was being placed in more major roles in the dances and being placed at the front of the group, especially in hiphop (which is still my forte)
"By trying and asking questions, you will succeed. Not trying and not asking will cause you to fail." That one was compliments of my mother. I had a really, really hard time adjusting to first year university, so badly we didn't think I'd make it through first year, and that I'd need to withdraw. Part of it was that I was terrified to ask question, and to get help, be in academically or psychologically. She wrote this on a simple piece of blank paper, and put it up on my wall. It's been posted every year since, just as a reminder when I'm not feeling like I can do something, to ask questions and to try my hardest, and even if it's not the best mark in the world, or the outcome I was specifically looking at, I will succeed in a way that I was meant to.
"When we look at you we doing see your shape or size, we see just you" and "it's just like you walking around with 3-4 textbooks in your backpack. It ain't gonna kill him to go for an hours ride once or twice a week" These were spoken by the my husband and wife team of riding instructors at my old barn. The first one was said when I very first started with them, when I was talking about some of the adversity I have faced being an obese person trying to succeed in the world of horseback riding. I had been riding for about 9 years at that point in time, but was getting harder to find places after I had to sell my horse, because no one was comfortable having a rider of my size get on their horses. They looked past my weight and saw how I do ride, and the person I am on the inside. That comment made that place feel like home. The second one came when I was having a low day, and said something about feeling too big to ride our 14.2hh arabian x quarter horse. It was just a feel good comment, and gave me courage to be able to stand up to some people about the type of horses the may or may not let me ride, and to realize that I wouldn't 'break his back' like some of the kids in my grade school classes told me when they found out that I was taking riding lessons.
I'm sure I have way more that I could boast about, but at this point in time, it's nearly 4am, and I definitely need to get some sleep. Last day to study for my exam on Thursday, soooo I need to get up at some sort of decent hour. But before I leave, what are some of the inspirational stories you guys have, or words of wisdom that have been passed to you, and made a difference in your life? Please share!
Have a great night
-Red
Sunday, April 18, 2010
'Cuz I Hate The Way I Feel Tonight
Despite not being religious, the song The Way I Feel by the band 12 Stones is ringing through my mind right now. For anyone that's interested here's a link to it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9G_NA1-3xXM (because I'm still new to blogger and don't really know how to embed a youtube video onto it).
The chorus is really what is most prominent to me. I hate the way I feel tonight, and I hate the way I feel inside. I've been really trying hard to focus on the positive over the past little bit, and had nights like my birthday that really, really pulled me up into a place in my mind that I'm working towards staying in, so I apologize that some of my posts recently have been kind of down and 'whiny' sounding. I'm definitely trying to use this blog as an outlet, rather than bottling up my thoughts and feelings, like I normally do.
We went out tonight, the night started great, but for me it fell apart. Now, it had nothing to do with the people I was with, I loved the group I was out with, but my mind decided to get the better of me yet again tonight. I fucking HATE it when it decides to pull the self conscious business on me. Sometimes I find its effective to let my mind just 'free spiral' when I'm feeling low, and right now, these are the thoughts its screaming at me "you're too fat, you can't dance, you look like a fool, you're fucking ugly, no ones interested in you, you're a loser, people are laughing at you, people are staring at you" amongst other things, but that gives you the idea. Kinda like a panic attack if I have to parallel it to something, only without the physical feelings. It was just like my mind shut down after we changed locations and I'm really frustrated with it too, I was looking forward to going where we decided to go after the first bar wasn't working for us. You'd think the self conscious part of my brain would kick in when we were in the venue with a sparse crowd of people, but no instead it started to kick into over drive when I'm in a venue where I can blend in and 'hide' far better, although it also means getting bumped into, jostled, pushed, tripped over etc. I tend to have a bubble that's easily infringed on when I enter crowded places and I don't know why.
My friend and I had left after a near fight broke out, and she got her foot stomped on. I also wasn't feeling well (my stomach wasn't feeling too hot, even without a bunch of liqour in it) and she had gotten her foot stomped on quite badly. I guess I'm just really, really frustrated. I've been hurt so many times that I fear rejection, and now when I want more than ever to actually have attention, to be seen in an attractive manner, I lack the confidence to draw that attention in. It's a lonely, frustrating cycle. I saw a boy I was interested in tonight, do you think I could even manage to approach him? What makes it worse is that there is some unspoken pressure being put on me to be in a relationship or at least be intimate with someone. My mom and I have a fairly open relationship, and I don't hesitate to tell her most things, so when I told her about my birthday, her comments about it the next day "we all think you should have gotten laid so you can loosen up a bit". I know she was just joking about it, but she doesn't know how much it bothers me. I'm 22 and I'm a virgin. Now, I KNOW there is definitely good things behind this, but at the same time, it came sometimes make me feel out casted and 'abnormal' especially in the environment that I'm currently living in. On a daily basis I hear "oh so and so slept with this person" and "ohh I totally scored so and so last night", I just feel like I missed some sort of milestone or something. I blame it on the pressure society puts on us to have sex and look a certain way. This has also lead to, at one point in time, my mother questioning my sexuality because I've never been with anyone before, and most of my good friends are females. It's really awkward to be like "um no mom, I'm not a lesbian, boys just aren't into me because I'm fat and ugly" (not that I have anything against the gay community, I just don't identify that way).
Anyways, thats enough for my self loathing rant for the evening. I just really, really needed to get these thoughts out of my head before the bubbled up into something worse for the evening. My mind feels a bit lighter and isn't a rough as it was before. Now I just need it to get better, and function in a normal and confident manner in any and all situations I may encounter, instead of making it painfully obvious that I am uncomfortable in my own skin.
The chorus is really what is most prominent to me. I hate the way I feel tonight, and I hate the way I feel inside. I've been really trying hard to focus on the positive over the past little bit, and had nights like my birthday that really, really pulled me up into a place in my mind that I'm working towards staying in, so I apologize that some of my posts recently have been kind of down and 'whiny' sounding. I'm definitely trying to use this blog as an outlet, rather than bottling up my thoughts and feelings, like I normally do.
We went out tonight, the night started great, but for me it fell apart. Now, it had nothing to do with the people I was with, I loved the group I was out with, but my mind decided to get the better of me yet again tonight. I fucking HATE it when it decides to pull the self conscious business on me. Sometimes I find its effective to let my mind just 'free spiral' when I'm feeling low, and right now, these are the thoughts its screaming at me "you're too fat, you can't dance, you look like a fool, you're fucking ugly, no ones interested in you, you're a loser, people are laughing at you, people are staring at you" amongst other things, but that gives you the idea. Kinda like a panic attack if I have to parallel it to something, only without the physical feelings. It was just like my mind shut down after we changed locations and I'm really frustrated with it too, I was looking forward to going where we decided to go after the first bar wasn't working for us. You'd think the self conscious part of my brain would kick in when we were in the venue with a sparse crowd of people, but no instead it started to kick into over drive when I'm in a venue where I can blend in and 'hide' far better, although it also means getting bumped into, jostled, pushed, tripped over etc. I tend to have a bubble that's easily infringed on when I enter crowded places and I don't know why.
My friend and I had left after a near fight broke out, and she got her foot stomped on. I also wasn't feeling well (my stomach wasn't feeling too hot, even without a bunch of liqour in it) and she had gotten her foot stomped on quite badly. I guess I'm just really, really frustrated. I've been hurt so many times that I fear rejection, and now when I want more than ever to actually have attention, to be seen in an attractive manner, I lack the confidence to draw that attention in. It's a lonely, frustrating cycle. I saw a boy I was interested in tonight, do you think I could even manage to approach him? What makes it worse is that there is some unspoken pressure being put on me to be in a relationship or at least be intimate with someone. My mom and I have a fairly open relationship, and I don't hesitate to tell her most things, so when I told her about my birthday, her comments about it the next day "we all think you should have gotten laid so you can loosen up a bit". I know she was just joking about it, but she doesn't know how much it bothers me. I'm 22 and I'm a virgin. Now, I KNOW there is definitely good things behind this, but at the same time, it came sometimes make me feel out casted and 'abnormal' especially in the environment that I'm currently living in. On a daily basis I hear "oh so and so slept with this person" and "ohh I totally scored so and so last night", I just feel like I missed some sort of milestone or something. I blame it on the pressure society puts on us to have sex and look a certain way. This has also lead to, at one point in time, my mother questioning my sexuality because I've never been with anyone before, and most of my good friends are females. It's really awkward to be like "um no mom, I'm not a lesbian, boys just aren't into me because I'm fat and ugly" (not that I have anything against the gay community, I just don't identify that way).
Anyways, thats enough for my self loathing rant for the evening. I just really, really needed to get these thoughts out of my head before the bubbled up into something worse for the evening. My mind feels a bit lighter and isn't a rough as it was before. Now I just need it to get better, and function in a normal and confident manner in any and all situations I may encounter, instead of making it painfully obvious that I am uncomfortable in my own skin.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Why Hello There 3am
Well 3am, its funny how as this semester drew to a close, and exams are now upon me, that you and I have became best friends. It seems I'm seeing more and more of you, as I am surrounded by papers, presentations and final exams. It's not that I hold off until doing all of my assignments or studying the day before, I've just been graced with really, really crappy assignment and exam schedules. On the cover the exam schedule looks nice. 2 exams in the first week and 2 in the second week, the last two exams won't be bad, but the first 2 are in the first 3 days of the exam schedule, both of them from 7-9pm. The one today wasn't bad. I think I probably got a solid 75%, which would be fantastic, considering that I didn't even get to start to study for it until today. The one I have tomorrow (or err today, I almost forgot we're on a date, 3am) I will have spent 3 days on and still arent close to going through all the material that I need to know. Luckily I still have today to work on it. I just hope I can actually get up on time (thanks for keeping me out late, 3 am). I think today's exam probably LOOKS far more daunting than it actually is, I mean this is my first 4th year class, with a totally different format than anything I've seen before. I highly doubt I'll get all the way through the rest of the 11 journal articles I needed to review.
Courses that have a multitude of journal articles for the readings really need a midterm (no lie, this course had at least 2 20-40 page journal articles to read every week). Journal's aren't easy things to read, and the meanings can get lost in all the technical jargon. Please give us a chance to break it up a bit. Another thing, any class should have all possible marks posted BEFORE the day you write the final. This course is seminar based, and so most of the marks were based off of participation, a group facilitation and a term paper. The term paper was handed in on Friday, so I can't expect to have my grade for that going into the exam, but ALL participation marks as well as the facilitation marks should be posted. I have my participation marks, but no sight of my group facilitation grade. So essentially.... I'm going into this final knowing just what I have out of 20% of my grade. A very, very disconcerting feeling if I do say so myself. Now, the exam is only worth 25% of my mark, i've never had one be worth so little, so I'm hoping that as long as I did half decent on my facilitation and my term paper that even if I fail this final (which I have a feeling I might, but here's hoping that I dont!)
Well, 3am, it was nice seeing you again tonight. I really hope you don't ruin my day again. Overall though, I think I have to tell you that our relationship has to stop. I'm getting tired, and cranky, and dark purple circles under my eyes (which is definitely not attractive, and not helping to keep me on the self-esteem high I've been on since my birthday), and encouraging me to overeat 'to have energy to make it through these long hours'. So, that being said, I'm done ranting for the evening. G'night 3am!
Courses that have a multitude of journal articles for the readings really need a midterm (no lie, this course had at least 2 20-40 page journal articles to read every week). Journal's aren't easy things to read, and the meanings can get lost in all the technical jargon. Please give us a chance to break it up a bit. Another thing, any class should have all possible marks posted BEFORE the day you write the final. This course is seminar based, and so most of the marks were based off of participation, a group facilitation and a term paper. The term paper was handed in on Friday, so I can't expect to have my grade for that going into the exam, but ALL participation marks as well as the facilitation marks should be posted. I have my participation marks, but no sight of my group facilitation grade. So essentially.... I'm going into this final knowing just what I have out of 20% of my grade. A very, very disconcerting feeling if I do say so myself. Now, the exam is only worth 25% of my mark, i've never had one be worth so little, so I'm hoping that as long as I did half decent on my facilitation and my term paper that even if I fail this final (which I have a feeling I might, but here's hoping that I dont!)
Well, 3am, it was nice seeing you again tonight. I really hope you don't ruin my day again. Overall though, I think I have to tell you that our relationship has to stop. I'm getting tired, and cranky, and dark purple circles under my eyes (which is definitely not attractive, and not helping to keep me on the self-esteem high I've been on since my birthday), and encouraging me to overeat 'to have energy to make it through these long hours'. So, that being said, I'm done ranting for the evening. G'night 3am!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Happy Effin Birthday To Me!!
And I seriously mean that too. I just have to say last night was one of the best nights I've had in AGES (also the most drunk I've been since perhaps first year?) On top of being my birthday, it was also the last day of classes, I had finally got my term paper, and it was our RLS banquet. Banquet was great, everyone looked fantastic and the dinner was delicious, but then it was time to head back for some after banquet/birthday festivities.
Thanks to certain friends (Madeleine included) I was drunk before I even wen to the bar. There's something about: Friend: oh thats not strong enough Me:-adds some more vodka to my coke- here, is that better Friend: -takes a sip- I can approve of that. Me: damnit but now I can taste the alcohol so I need to drink it fast -chugs drink- that gets you drunk pretty past. We ended up downtown at a bar that is a tradition for us to go to after banquet, and I tested the waters a bit, managing to dance with one of the hottest boys on our staff, before we ended up heading out to another bar.
I went up to buy myself the only drink i spent my own money on all evening, and there was a boy a the barn who, drunkenly hit on me. I amused him for a little bit than wandered back to Madeleine and some of my other friends. I contemplated going back and bringing the boy from the bar back to the dance floor, so with a help of a little social support behind me, I got him to come to the dance floor and well... things just kinda happened from there -insert blushing face here-. Not only did I get to actually dance with someone he kinda sorta made out (well I'm not sure if it was exactly 'making out' but he did kiss me multiple times, with tongue too :P)
I realize that to some of you this might not sound like a big deal, but man am I still walking on a cloud. For some reason (and i'm not religious but it must have been the grace of God or something... or the fact that I went to the gym before getting ready for banquet which may have given an increase in endorphins) I felt fantastic. I thought I looked good and thus my confidence was over my head that night. May I mention, that this is the first time anything like this situation has ever happened to me. Talk about a confidence boost. Rumor has it we're going out again next week, so maybe I'll find someone else next week :D
Thanks to certain friends (Madeleine included) I was drunk before I even wen to the bar. There's something about: Friend: oh thats not strong enough Me:-adds some more vodka to my coke- here, is that better Friend: -takes a sip- I can approve of that. Me: damnit but now I can taste the alcohol so I need to drink it fast -chugs drink- that gets you drunk pretty past. We ended up downtown at a bar that is a tradition for us to go to after banquet, and I tested the waters a bit, managing to dance with one of the hottest boys on our staff, before we ended up heading out to another bar.
I went up to buy myself the only drink i spent my own money on all evening, and there was a boy a the barn who, drunkenly hit on me. I amused him for a little bit than wandered back to Madeleine and some of my other friends. I contemplated going back and bringing the boy from the bar back to the dance floor, so with a help of a little social support behind me, I got him to come to the dance floor and well... things just kinda happened from there -insert blushing face here-. Not only did I get to actually dance with someone he kinda sorta made out (well I'm not sure if it was exactly 'making out' but he did kiss me multiple times, with tongue too :P)
I realize that to some of you this might not sound like a big deal, but man am I still walking on a cloud. For some reason (and i'm not religious but it must have been the grace of God or something... or the fact that I went to the gym before getting ready for banquet which may have given an increase in endorphins) I felt fantastic. I thought I looked good and thus my confidence was over my head that night. May I mention, that this is the first time anything like this situation has ever happened to me. Talk about a confidence boost. Rumor has it we're going out again next week, so maybe I'll find someone else next week :D
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Perfect and Beautiful Are Subjective
To set this stage for this entry, I should start with saying that although I've been working on keeping an even balance for this week, with the oncoming banquet and such, I've been failing, somewhat miserably. The negative thought patterns and feelings tend to be a response to large amounts of stress, and the end of the school semester is without a doubt a time frame that sets the stage for these feelings. Regardless of the exact feelings in my mind right now, I was having a discussion with a really good friend of mine today, who a few weeks ago had some of her own almost really serious problems. The tone of the discussion was somewhat heavy all around and ended with the words "you're perfect the way you are - and from the way it seems tons of people love you for who you are" and "you're one of the most beautiful people I know. Outside and in."
I think comments like that are the most frustrating things that can be said to people who have body image issues and for those who support us to actually say. It's hard to explain to people that comments like that actually mean the world to you, although they're often met with much protest. I know myself, comments like that generally make me cry, the feeling of having something said to you, that you KNOW, but can't validate with the feelings to match it is an extremely frustrating feeling. It's this huge disconnect between logical knowing and the internal working models of the self that we have (ugh please excuse the psychology terms. A course on nothing but attachment theory brings about references like that). Many times we have problems with identifying and expressing our own emotions (although we may be fantastic at recognizing and attending to the emotions of others), which can sometimes lead to rough and often nasty sounding remarks to the people who lend us these expressions.
To my friend today, I used the word "subjective" when she told me I was 'perfect'. Ever since I got sick, I've wanted a tattoo of the chinese symbol for perfection on the back of my neck. I think it represents the struggle perfectly, the symbol because I KNOW that I'm perfect just the way I am, but the placement to symbolize the feeling of it being impossible to obtain my idea of what perfection is. I challenge you to write a definition of what "perfect" is and compare it to other peoples, I would be curious to know if everyone came up with the same meaning.
Please realize that if you're dealing with a person with these issues, although your comments of support may be met abrasively, it's not that they aren't greatful for them. I think many of us crave hearing things like that, but at the same time no one finds it easy to accept when their 'beliefs and values' (and I use that term loosely, partially because I can't think of another word other than cognitions) are challenged.
Now that that's off my chest, I just wanted to say that I had a fantastic time out with Madeleine and our other friend, riding yesterday. I hadn't been in the saddle since September, as I ride during the summer and dance during the school year. Although it was over cast and slightly chilly, it was still a fantastic time out, and definitely made me remember how much I do miss the horses during the school year. Unfortunately, with my barn closing down I'm not sure if I'll be able to ride this summer, but if not I'll be on the search for a dance studio. Need to decide whether I want to look for hip hop classes or ballet and/or jazz before I actually start looking though. On one hand I feel like I'm a far better hip hop dancer, but at the same time I could use the work on my foundations. Eh still have a few weeks before I even can think about that though.
Anyways, back to writing this stupid paper for Friday.
I think comments like that are the most frustrating things that can be said to people who have body image issues and for those who support us to actually say. It's hard to explain to people that comments like that actually mean the world to you, although they're often met with much protest. I know myself, comments like that generally make me cry, the feeling of having something said to you, that you KNOW, but can't validate with the feelings to match it is an extremely frustrating feeling. It's this huge disconnect between logical knowing and the internal working models of the self that we have (ugh please excuse the psychology terms. A course on nothing but attachment theory brings about references like that). Many times we have problems with identifying and expressing our own emotions (although we may be fantastic at recognizing and attending to the emotions of others), which can sometimes lead to rough and often nasty sounding remarks to the people who lend us these expressions.
To my friend today, I used the word "subjective" when she told me I was 'perfect'. Ever since I got sick, I've wanted a tattoo of the chinese symbol for perfection on the back of my neck. I think it represents the struggle perfectly, the symbol because I KNOW that I'm perfect just the way I am, but the placement to symbolize the feeling of it being impossible to obtain my idea of what perfection is. I challenge you to write a definition of what "perfect" is and compare it to other peoples, I would be curious to know if everyone came up with the same meaning.
Please realize that if you're dealing with a person with these issues, although your comments of support may be met abrasively, it's not that they aren't greatful for them. I think many of us crave hearing things like that, but at the same time no one finds it easy to accept when their 'beliefs and values' (and I use that term loosely, partially because I can't think of another word other than cognitions) are challenged.
Now that that's off my chest, I just wanted to say that I had a fantastic time out with Madeleine and our other friend, riding yesterday. I hadn't been in the saddle since September, as I ride during the summer and dance during the school year. Although it was over cast and slightly chilly, it was still a fantastic time out, and definitely made me remember how much I do miss the horses during the school year. Unfortunately, with my barn closing down I'm not sure if I'll be able to ride this summer, but if not I'll be on the search for a dance studio. Need to decide whether I want to look for hip hop classes or ballet and/or jazz before I actually start looking though. On one hand I feel like I'm a far better hip hop dancer, but at the same time I could use the work on my foundations. Eh still have a few weeks before I even can think about that though.
Anyways, back to writing this stupid paper for Friday.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Lose Weight Fast and "You Don't Waddle As Much When You Walk" among other thing
I went home for Easter weekend, I needed the break from here. I've had papers and presentations coming at me from every direction since the last couple weeks of March, and with my last two assignments due this week, I needed to have some time to refresh my mind and come back to them with a new outlook. The break was fantastic overall, it was a rare instance where I was completely spoiled by my parents (well I shouldn't say rare, but dad hasn't worked for more than 4 months all year due to the whole GM economy plumet so it's been far and few between) and it was definitely what I needed.
I was up late Saturday night though, a few things on my mind. Mom and I had went to work to visit my cousin and some of my other friends from the establishment. I haven't seen my cousin since Grade 12, he hasn't changed. It was good to see my moms friend too, I haven't seen her since the end of August just about, maybe a couple odd times here and there when I've been out with Mom when I've been home. Now, I've been working hard since the beginning of this semester to 'get into shape' and 'lose some weight', you know the common New Years Resolution. At least for me it's stuck and hasn't been some dashed dream, even if progress has been slow and currently slightly stunted by the workload schools decided to dish out. Mom said she could tell when I saw her when I first arrived home on Friday - cool, unless she's just being a mom and trying to bring up my confidence. My moms friend sees me too and says I'm looking fitter, commenting on the areas that look slimmed down, but what's the other comment she makes? "You waddle less when you walk"... thanks... its a half compliment so I'm trying to take it for what it is, but really, could you have not said something else. If I'm huge now I hate to imagine what I looked like earlier in the year.
Now I'm sure she didn't mean it how it came out, but certain things set me off, and things like that is one of them. Later that night, as I said, I was up far too late, infomercials come onto the television. One is for a workout thing called Insanity. The company is upfront and honest, it's not going to be easy and you have to be prepared to work. Finally some honest from these money mongers. Next though, is a commercial for some piece of exercise equipment. The slogan "lose weight fast and easily". Really? Fast and Easy? I wish.
Although obesity is definitely a issues of rising concern amongst society, these companies have to stop instilling false hope. Weight is NOT something you can lose quickly, nor is it something that is 'easy' to do. The easy part about weight, for the most part is putting it on. I swear if weight was that easy to take off I'd be nothing but skin and bones right now. I try not to watch those infomercials, they generally just make me more angry than they do anything else. Give me Magic Bullet, Miracle Blade or GT Express 101 any day though haha.
With banquet and my birthday this week, it's going to be filled with thoughts of looking great for Friday. Lets see if I can keep up high hopes for my appearance.
I was up late Saturday night though, a few things on my mind. Mom and I had went to work to visit my cousin and some of my other friends from the establishment. I haven't seen my cousin since Grade 12, he hasn't changed. It was good to see my moms friend too, I haven't seen her since the end of August just about, maybe a couple odd times here and there when I've been out with Mom when I've been home. Now, I've been working hard since the beginning of this semester to 'get into shape' and 'lose some weight', you know the common New Years Resolution. At least for me it's stuck and hasn't been some dashed dream, even if progress has been slow and currently slightly stunted by the workload schools decided to dish out. Mom said she could tell when I saw her when I first arrived home on Friday - cool, unless she's just being a mom and trying to bring up my confidence. My moms friend sees me too and says I'm looking fitter, commenting on the areas that look slimmed down, but what's the other comment she makes? "You waddle less when you walk"... thanks... its a half compliment so I'm trying to take it for what it is, but really, could you have not said something else. If I'm huge now I hate to imagine what I looked like earlier in the year.
Now I'm sure she didn't mean it how it came out, but certain things set me off, and things like that is one of them. Later that night, as I said, I was up far too late, infomercials come onto the television. One is for a workout thing called Insanity. The company is upfront and honest, it's not going to be easy and you have to be prepared to work. Finally some honest from these money mongers. Next though, is a commercial for some piece of exercise equipment. The slogan "lose weight fast and easily". Really? Fast and Easy? I wish.
Although obesity is definitely a issues of rising concern amongst society, these companies have to stop instilling false hope. Weight is NOT something you can lose quickly, nor is it something that is 'easy' to do. The easy part about weight, for the most part is putting it on. I swear if weight was that easy to take off I'd be nothing but skin and bones right now. I try not to watch those infomercials, they generally just make me more angry than they do anything else. Give me Magic Bullet, Miracle Blade or GT Express 101 any day though haha.
With banquet and my birthday this week, it's going to be filled with thoughts of looking great for Friday. Lets see if I can keep up high hopes for my appearance.
Just a Preface
A friend of mine encouraged me to start this blog. Her statement "everyone has a story" is something that has been kept in my mind since we first talked about it. I plan on keeping this blog, partially as a day to day rant, but also in the hopes of possibly reaching out to someone, and letting them know that they're not alone. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a 21 year old female who lives somewhere in Ontario, Canada and am currently a third year university student studying Psychology at a school that's about an hour and a half out of my home town. More finite details may be exposed later on, but until then just call me Red.
Perhaps I should preface this. We all have the journey's we face on a day to day basis, and we all have our demons that we fight in a seemingly never ending battle. I know I've been fighting a lot longer than I would like to be. If you're bold tell me what you fight. Like most of the increasing population in North America I struggle with weight issues. I'm fat. And I don't mean that in the angsty way you here many girls my age say it. I am legitimately, clinically, whatever you want to call it over weight. Obese actually. It takes a lot for me to say that openly, as I've had to struggle with the shame and ridicule that comes with the term. Regularly the word makes me cringe, and it shouldn't - it's just a word. My weight isn't the only problem, I also live my day to day life with the nagging voice in the back of my mind that tells me that I'm not good enough, that I shouldn't eat and or that I should throw back what I have consumed.
I've known many people with eating disorders between real life and the anonminity of the internet, and so far I've been the only one that I've known that has struggled with both obesity and an eating disorder, that doesn't entail just strictly Compulsive Overeating anyways. I agree, it's not always an easy thing to talk about, and many of the thoughts may not be understood unless you've walked down that pathway too. I faced adversity trying to seek help when I knew I needed it, going to the doctors and telling them that I had this issue with eating was met with round about responses, some assuming that I was just 'copying' a new group of friends or that it was probably just all in my head. Simply put, in their books, I wasn't 80lbs, so there was no way I could be sick.
It took a trip to a dietitian to address my weight to finally get the help I needed, with an answer of "does throwing them up count?" when asked if I skipped meals. I guess my message here, is that if you need help, search for it until you get what you need. You're worth that much, and deserve to be at a healthier point in your life.
So I guess, overall I aim to document my struggles, even after 'recovery' and my journey in attempt to shed this weight. Maybe people will read this, maybe they wont, who knows, but I hope that if you do find yourself reading this, and suffer from any of the issues I talk about, I hope you find support and comfort, knowing that you're not alone. And, I hope that you too can get to a place in your mind that you deserve to be. I'm still stumbling around looking for it, and sometimes the faith that I will find it is waning, but one day, I too will make it.
Perhaps I should preface this. We all have the journey's we face on a day to day basis, and we all have our demons that we fight in a seemingly never ending battle. I know I've been fighting a lot longer than I would like to be. If you're bold tell me what you fight. Like most of the increasing population in North America I struggle with weight issues. I'm fat. And I don't mean that in the angsty way you here many girls my age say it. I am legitimately, clinically, whatever you want to call it over weight. Obese actually. It takes a lot for me to say that openly, as I've had to struggle with the shame and ridicule that comes with the term. Regularly the word makes me cringe, and it shouldn't - it's just a word. My weight isn't the only problem, I also live my day to day life with the nagging voice in the back of my mind that tells me that I'm not good enough, that I shouldn't eat and or that I should throw back what I have consumed.
I've known many people with eating disorders between real life and the anonminity of the internet, and so far I've been the only one that I've known that has struggled with both obesity and an eating disorder, that doesn't entail just strictly Compulsive Overeating anyways. I agree, it's not always an easy thing to talk about, and many of the thoughts may not be understood unless you've walked down that pathway too. I faced adversity trying to seek help when I knew I needed it, going to the doctors and telling them that I had this issue with eating was met with round about responses, some assuming that I was just 'copying' a new group of friends or that it was probably just all in my head. Simply put, in their books, I wasn't 80lbs, so there was no way I could be sick.
It took a trip to a dietitian to address my weight to finally get the help I needed, with an answer of "does throwing them up count?" when asked if I skipped meals. I guess my message here, is that if you need help, search for it until you get what you need. You're worth that much, and deserve to be at a healthier point in your life.
So I guess, overall I aim to document my struggles, even after 'recovery' and my journey in attempt to shed this weight. Maybe people will read this, maybe they wont, who knows, but I hope that if you do find yourself reading this, and suffer from any of the issues I talk about, I hope you find support and comfort, knowing that you're not alone. And, I hope that you too can get to a place in your mind that you deserve to be. I'm still stumbling around looking for it, and sometimes the faith that I will find it is waning, but one day, I too will make it.
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