Better Late Than Never I Guess

I apologize in the long lapse between posts. I guess I just haven't had anything I felt was worthy of writing.I mean overall, it's not like I've done anything interesting this month (although there was something recently I feel I should write about)

Horrible weather has somewhat drawn the running to a halt. We've had a couple weeks filled with rain and storms, so I need to get back on that horse (i wish I could mean that literally right now) and start it back up. Right now the weather has went from being rainy and almost cold to nearly hotter than the devil's backside, so I think it'll be best if I start going back out at night, for a while there, I was trying to run during the day because it seemed as if that was when I could get it in before it decided to rain.

Dad finally got around to putting the new seat on the hand-me-down bike that he decided I could use, so I'm planning on doing some biking to and from work, and just riding around overall, so that I can get out of the house a bit more, which was my initial plan if I was to get hired at the YMCA, but that didn't quite pan out ("Due to an overwhelming number of applicants and a limited number of positions we are unable to offer you a position at this time" or in other words, yeah you failed). I also didn't get the other positions I applied for at a different job, so I'm back to square one. My parents are trying to push me to apply at a local call centre, but I REALLY, REALLY don't want to be chained to a job where I have to sit on my ass and talk to American's all day (not that all American's are bad, some of my best friends are American, but around here they definitely do not have a good image). I have a few ideas of where I want to try to apply right now, but here's hoping.

With the above stuff about jobs, needless to say Dad and I haven't been on great terms recently. He's said some really shitty things throughout the month in regards to my weight, and been pushing me stupidly hard about getting another job, which I feel is unjustified (how much he's on my case that is), because it's not like I don't currently have a job. I am working, just my managers available hours mean I don't get a ton of hours a week. I have mixed feelings on a comment he made to my mother as well. I had hurt my shoulder at the beginning of the month at work. I was mopping and and bashed my shoulder on the corner of a paper towel dispenser and it cut it down through my shirt. I had showed him it the night or the day after it happened, but I guess the other day he was asking my mom if I was cutting myself. Now, I do have a history of self-harm (it generally goes hand in hand with eating disorders), but I can gladly say that as far as I can remember, I've been clean of that for about 6-8 months (longest track record so far). But really, its in an awkward spot that would be just too much effort for me to hurt myself there, nor would I be wandering around in tank tops for him to see. I get that he's concerned and what not, which is why I'm not sure if I should be angry with him or just shrug it off.

I've also been having issues with the eating disorder recently. I don't know why, and need to find this trigger, although it's been suggested that its just changes and what not. I think it's partially due to the increased friction between Dad and I, but that might just be because I know that in the past the behaviours were definitely triggered by conflict between him and I. When I was actually in therapy for it, she wanted to have him come in and be part of the process. I wouldn't allow it. I was terrified to have him hear what went on in my mind, and I felt that it would just cause more problems outside of the office... oh and he didn't want anything to do with it regardless. He refused to even step foot in the building to sit in the waiting room with me.
Anyways, I haven't really been caught up in a binge/purge cycle, rather its been more of a I'll eat breakfast, lunch or dinner than suddenly have intense feelings of guilt over the mere fact that I ate, and I'll go, drink a ton of water and then purge it up. And instead of just purging enough to feel less guilty, it's been until I'm tasting bile. It's not every meal, but generally once a day. Another goal for the next week or so is to break this cycle, and get back to an even keel. I'll get there, I think I just have to increase my physical activity and get the negative energy out in a positive manner.

But now to the good stuff. I spent the long weekend in Toronto with Madeleine and some other fantastic friends. We celebrated her birthday and just had a great time. I headed there on Saturday, and can gladly say that I navigated the TTC all on my own, with only needing to ask her if I was supposed to take a northbound or southbound train. That night we went out clubbing, and I managed to actually attract attention from a couple different guys that night. This is relatively new to me overall. I mean had that guy at the bars on my birthday, but that had been the first time for me. This time I had one guy that was definitely interested in me, we danced, but things got a bit weird when he seemed overly focused on getting my hand to touch his dick, and then pretty much wanted to dry hump me on the dance floor. I excused myself with the help of my ladies, but he kept following me around. It got to the point that we needed to get security to kick him out. I can't help but to think that to some degree I did something to provoke that behaviour and that I brought it on myself, even though I KNOW that it's not totally my fault.

The other guy fell in line after the previously mentioned one had started to creep me out, so I just wasn't receptive to it at that point in time. In hindsight though, even though the one turned out to be creepy, they're both confidence boosts. I do however wonder though if I attracted the weirdo because I looked as if I was lacking self-esteem or something (which really I do, but I was feeling rather confident and don't think I was coming across as insecure or closed off).

The next day we shopped, and saw Letters To Juliet, which was a fantastic movie and well worth the money, especially considering TO movie prices are a good $5.50 more expensive than when I'm at home (it's $7.50 where I am and was $12.99 in TO). It did bring up some painful memories of a couple of guys I've had experience with, but it was great to get to talk about it, and finally share some of the more painful experiences with Madeleine in a great girls night with a romantic comedy, ice cream and tears/truthful thoughts and feelings.

Whew, well this has been quite the novel, and I apologize for that. But for the couple of you who read this, I hope you like the update, and I'll try to write more often again, even if I don't have anything spectacular going on in my life.