Perfect and Beautiful Are Subjective

To set this stage for this entry, I should start with saying that although I've been working on keeping an even balance for this week, with the oncoming banquet and such, I've been failing, somewhat miserably. The negative thought patterns and feelings tend to be a response to large amounts of stress, and the end of the school semester is without a doubt a time frame that sets the stage for these feelings. Regardless of the exact feelings in my mind right now, I was having a discussion with a really good friend of mine today, who a few weeks ago had some of her own almost really serious problems. The tone of the discussion was somewhat heavy all around and ended with the words "you're perfect the way you are - and from the way it seems tons of people love you for who you are" and "you're one of the most beautiful people I know. Outside and in."

I think comments like that are the most frustrating things that can be said to people who have body image issues and for those who support us to actually say. It's hard to explain to people that comments like that actually mean the world to you, although they're often met with much protest. I know myself, comments like that generally make me cry, the feeling of having something said to you, that you KNOW, but can't validate with the feelings to match it is an extremely frustrating feeling. It's this huge disconnect between logical knowing and the internal working models of the self that we have (ugh please excuse the psychology terms. A course on nothing but attachment theory brings about references like that). Many times we have problems with identifying and expressing our own emotions (although we may be fantastic at recognizing and attending to the emotions of others), which can sometimes lead to rough and often nasty sounding remarks to the people who lend us these expressions.

To my friend today, I used the word "subjective" when she told me I was 'perfect'. Ever since I got sick, I've wanted a tattoo of the chinese symbol for perfection on the back of my neck. I think it represents the struggle perfectly, the symbol because I KNOW that I'm perfect just the way I am, but the placement to symbolize the feeling of it being impossible to obtain my idea of what perfection is. I challenge you to write a definition of what "perfect" is and compare it to other peoples, I would be curious to know if everyone came up with the same meaning.

Please realize that if you're dealing with a person with these issues, although your comments of support may be met abrasively, it's not that they aren't greatful for them. I think many of us crave hearing things like that, but at the same time no one finds it easy to accept when their 'beliefs and values' (and I use that term loosely, partially because I can't think of another word other than cognitions) are challenged.

Now that that's off my chest, I just wanted to say that I had a fantastic time out with Madeleine and our other friend, riding yesterday. I hadn't been in the saddle since September, as I ride during the summer and dance during the school year. Although it was over cast and slightly chilly, it was still a fantastic time out, and definitely made me remember how much I do miss the horses during the school year. Unfortunately, with my barn closing down I'm not sure if I'll be able to ride this summer, but if not I'll be on the search for a dance studio. Need to decide whether I want to look for hip hop classes or ballet and/or jazz before I actually start looking though. On one hand I feel like I'm a far better hip hop dancer, but at the same time I could use the work on my foundations. Eh still have a few weeks before I even can think about that though.

Anyways, back to writing this stupid paper for Friday.