I'm felling isolated too. I've only gotten to visit home once this semester, and what did I spend it doing? Holed up in my room studying because I had a midterm the day after Thanksgiving. There goes any family time. I felt horrible too, my mom tends to get kinda, err annoyed, when we go home and don't spend much time with the family. Now, they realized I had a midterm so it wasn't like I was doing it to be a bitch or anything, but I still felt bad. I don't see basically any of my friends any more, besides the one that I live with or the ones that I see while in class. School and other commitments, on both ends. Basically I feel lonely. I'm sure it will pass. I'm just stressed out. I just keep telling myself that anyways. I'm waiting for the break down. I can feel it looming. I'm not sleeping decently, my sleep cycles completely messed up from a job I was helping out with... but that should be adjusted by now. I'm thinking its stress. In midterm season (and final season for that matter) the first thing to go is m sleeping schedule. I mean some nights it's legitimately being awake studying, but most of the time, from 11 or 12 onward, I don't do anything, but can't sleep (which is probably why its almost 1:30am and I'm on here writing). Now I'm just on the look out for onset of other problems that like to surface at this time of the year. If they do I have to try to keep them at bay.
On that note, I feel super lazy. I bought a gym membership, but have only had the time/energy to go a handful of times this semester. It makes me feel disgusting. I mean I've gained a pound or 2 but for the most part have held steady since when I first moved back up into this setting. Which I mean is better than gaining, but no where nears as good as losing. As I've mentioned before, I'm not dancing which is making me feel even more monsterous. On the plus side I did join our staffs Inner Tube Waterpolo intermural team. I mean I don't play much maybe only 10-15 mins per game, but its some sort of physical activity. I also try to get on walks in our Arboretum when I have the chance. I know I'm doing the best I can, but I feel like its not enough. I'm fat, I'm lazy, I'm disgusting. Or so the mental reel spins to me. Haha mind, I'm getting smart to your games. I know that there are some external influences contributing to the negative self image right now. Considering in the past week, I've had 4 classes, separately tell me that when selecting a mate, men subconsciously look for slender women, and that less often go for 'fat' women.... guess there's no hope, regardless of if these numbers are just averages or not. I'm still at the extreme end of those scores, so really my chances don't look good... oh wait, unless I go to the Dominican, where the locals look for overweight women, figuring that they have low self-esteem and are more 'vulnerable', so they believe that said women will be more free with their money... No thanks, not for me. Anyways, I know at this point even if I was twig thin, I wouldn't have time to devote myself to a relationship, and I just keep trying to remind myself of that.... as well as the fact that things happen when they're supposed to. It's about time I take some of my own advice and apply it to what's going on in my own life.
Overall, I just feel like I'm sitting on a landmine. I'm agitated, not sleeping, angry, upset. I'm getting annoyed with people easily, both friends and strangers/professionals/co-workers/myself, I'm feeling like breaking down over simple, stupid things. I'm done, done done. I'm bottling things up, and am just waiting for the explosion. 3, 2, 1.... brace for impact.
University is really tough, as is the stage of life that you're in. But don't give up, and realize that your mind is just making thoughts, but you don't have to accept them or acknowledge them, just try to recognize what they are and let them pass. Easy to say and hard to do, I know.
ReplyDelete