Thursday, September 9, 2010

Torn Apart At The Seams

Okay, I know another really, really long gap between posts. Training was busy, and kept me on my toes, which left time for writing and catching up scarce. There's a whole lot thats happened, and much of it has me feeling really, super low tonight. I'm sure the little bit of alcohol I have in my system (literally not a lot though, 2 coolers and 1 glass of beer). I should probably be in bed right now, but I don't think I could sleep before I have this junk written down. Although, I'm not quite sure where I would like to start. I could start with the fact that I had an absolutely terrible night out today, and its now almost 3 am the night before I start classes, or I could back track and talk about the movies last night which led to utter shame and embarassment.... but perhaps talking about things from the start of training is the best place to start.

So I guess I'll start with the boy. And fair warning this will sound malodramatic and stupid, but believe me I feel utterly idiotic at the moment about the entire situation. I try not to use names on here, so he will remain nameless, and I think that overall the situation warrants that respect. But anyways. Upon arriving at training for the start of the semester I found myself crushing upon one of my team mates. He's smart, and we have things in common, and listens to you when you're talking and seems to generally just get along with everyone. I also thought that physically he was also attractive. As training went on my attraction grew, and there were a few moments of some signals that felt as if he might actually be interested in me. To test this theory, I had asked him to a movie with one of my friends too, and he agreed. And then came after training Banquet... lets just say that in the midst of my intoxicated state, I let my boundaries disappear and I kissed him, albeit on the cheek. Cut to movie day. So we meet to go to the show and we're on the bus talking about numerous things, and I again apologize for my behaviour Thursday evening, thinking that he remembered that I kissed him.... needless to say he didnt and was taken quite a back by it. He states that he's confused as to why I would have done such a thing. Now this leads to the awkward conversation I was really trying to avoid having at that point in time. So I basically say "well why do you think?" and he said he thought so. I suggested that we talk about it after the movies and he agrees. After the movie he asks to talk to me alone as we're getting off the bus. I have to say when it came to this he was absolutely sweet about the conversation. Basically in the most knightly manner possible he gently tells me that he's not interested, and that he figures that at some point there were some mixed signals sent and that he was very sorry if there were, an that he wasn't trying to lead me on. He says that he's glad we could talk about it like adults, and that friendship is an option. I had a lot to say to him, too much to post on here really. But now overall, I mean I'm cool with the fact that he doesn't think of me in that way, I mean I've been saying for quite some time now that I really didn't think that he liked me back in the same way that I like him. And I'm totally content just being friends, but really I'm embarrassed about how I had behaved leading up to the situation and I'm afraid that although he's cool with being 'just friends' ( or so he says he is) i'm terrified that he will be super awkward from there on in. Everyone keeps telling me that it doesn't matter, and as long as I don't act shaken by it, he wont have the same sort of reaction. That is something I do find hard to believe though. I feel like I fucked up and there's absolutely no question about it and nothing I can say or do will make any sort of difference. Overall, I just feel numb and confused and other somewhat scary emotions like anxiety. So once again, I fail in the love department, something that I know far to well and have just learned to expect to happen. Right now I'm feeling like I'm going to be ending up totally alone for the rest of all times.

This whole situation was made worse while we were out for another staff members birthday and certain people who were out there were trying to encourage me to text said boy and ask him to join us down town can you say awkward?

.:UPDATE:. (this post was started a couple of days ago so I do have a bit of an update) I spoke to him for the first time since our discussion after the movies last night, and I am happy to say things weren't nearly as awkward as I was afraid they would be, we seemed to fall right back into step with each other and that's exactly what I was hoping for after the above mentioned situation.

Anyways, going with what I think I was getting at before... There has been some drama with my parents in regards to employment, making school and money a bit of a worry this year. Dad was laid off again, officially on the day I had to move back up to school, and Mom is facing a bit of a job change, one that will result in a pay cut. What's making it hard on me, is that her and my father are at odds over her decisions, but he doesn't know the full story as to why it is happening, as Mom refuses to tell him, or my brother, so I'm the only one that knows what's really happening. Basically I'm getting shit on from both ends because Dad's complaining to me about Mom and her decision, that I can't say anything about, and then I'm listening to her complain about my Dad being upset with her, and when I tell her that she just needs to tell him the truth she comes up with every excuse managable to NOT tell him. So I'm about ready to throw in the towel on this one and say that I really just don't give a fuck anymore. I mean I really do, they're helping to pay for school so money is important, but I'm just about ready to give up playing the middle man, I'm thoroughly sick of it.

Classes have started again, and they all seem pretty neat, well out of the ones I've already sat through. I have to say the 2 courses I'm the most excited for are my Human Sexuality course and my one Clinical Psychology course. One of them deals with sex, sex and more sex and the other one involves a bit of field type placements going into local schools to deliver programs relating to whatever the topic of focus for that semesters course is. I'm really excited to be getting some hands on experience now. And well for the Human Sexuality course, I think it's just going to be a blast to go to, and I think the text book will be a ton of fun to read too, which will be a well welcomed change from all the other junk I have to read on a regular basis. Right now I've been trying to read for my Cross-Cultural Psychology course, and the textbook is sooooo dry. Oh! Random thought. Can anyone tell me why all psychology textbooks ALWAYS have to have the second chapter devoted to nothing but research methods? I mean by 3rd and 4th year we shouldn't have to be reading all of that junk unless its completely off the wall from anything else we've already learned? There's only so many times you can read things like "this is what a hypothesis is" "this is what a variable is" "these are the different types of experiments and different types of statistics"... I've been taking 4 years of the same junk, and have had at least 4 other courses on nothing but research methods and stats.

The house mates are all moved in. I'm glad to have my friend here, but my opinions on the other two house mates are still yet to be developed. I haven't gotten to see them enough to fully get a feel for them. The only thing so far I wish could be different, is that the one would have waited a week or two of having the entire house together before bringing the boyfriend over for the weekend. I mean they're all nice enough and what not, but I'm shy and too many new people for me at once generally doesnt end very well because I just can't seem to open up. I'm getting better with the other housemate so far and the other one I just dont see enough that it makes it hard to full get a grasp of her.

Anyways, I've been on a bit of a 8am schedule recently, so being up at 1am is actually rendering me exhausted at the moment. The song that was running through my head when I had initially started writing this post was "All These Things I Hate (Revolve Around Me) by Bullet For My Valentine" so, have a listen while you read!