Just a Preface

A friend of mine encouraged me to start this blog. Her statement "everyone has a story" is something that has been kept in my mind since we first talked about it. I plan on keeping this blog, partially as a day to day rant, but also in the hopes of possibly reaching out to someone, and letting them know that they're not alone. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a 21 year old female who lives somewhere in Ontario, Canada and am currently a third year university student studying Psychology at a school that's about an hour and a half out of my home town. More finite details may be exposed later on, but until then just call me Red.

Perhaps I should preface this. We all have the journey's we face on a day to day basis, and we all have our demons that we fight in a seemingly never ending battle. I know I've been fighting a lot longer than I would like to be. If you're bold tell me what you fight. Like most of the increasing population in North America I struggle with weight issues. I'm fat. And I don't mean that in the angsty way you here many girls my age say it. I am legitimately, clinically, whatever you want to call it over weight. Obese actually. It takes a lot for me to say that openly, as I've had to struggle with the shame and ridicule that comes with the term. Regularly the word makes me cringe, and it shouldn't - it's just a word. My weight isn't the only problem, I also live my day to day life with the nagging voice in the back of my mind that tells me that I'm not good enough, that I shouldn't eat and or that I should throw back what I have consumed.

I've known many people with eating disorders between real life and the anonminity of the internet, and so far I've been the only one that I've known that has struggled with both obesity and an eating disorder, that doesn't entail just strictly Compulsive Overeating anyways. I agree, it's not always an easy thing to talk about, and many of the thoughts may not be understood unless you've walked down that pathway too. I faced adversity trying to seek help when I knew I needed it, going to the doctors and telling them that I had this issue with eating was met with round about responses, some assuming that I was just 'copying' a new group of friends or that it was probably just all in my head. Simply put, in their books, I wasn't 80lbs, so there was no way I could be sick.

It took a trip to a dietitian to address my weight to finally get the help I needed, with an answer of "does throwing them up count?" when asked if I skipped meals. I guess my message here, is that if you need help, search for it until you get what you need. You're worth that much, and deserve to be at a healthier point in your life.

So I guess, overall I aim to document my struggles, even after 'recovery' and my journey in attempt to shed this weight. Maybe people will read this, maybe they wont, who knows, but I hope that if you do find yourself reading this, and suffer from any of the issues I talk about, I hope you find support and comfort, knowing that you're not alone. And, I hope that you too can get to a place in your mind that you deserve to be. I'm still stumbling around looking for it, and sometimes the faith that I will find it is waning, but one day, I too will make it.