Despite not being religious, the song The Way I Feel by the band 12 Stones is ringing through my mind right now. For anyone that's interested here's a link to it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9G_NA1-3xXM (because I'm still new to blogger and don't really know how to embed a youtube video onto it).
The chorus is really what is most prominent to me. I hate the way I feel tonight, and I hate the way I feel inside. I've been really trying hard to focus on the positive over the past little bit, and had nights like my birthday that really, really pulled me up into a place in my mind that I'm working towards staying in, so I apologize that some of my posts recently have been kind of down and 'whiny' sounding. I'm definitely trying to use this blog as an outlet, rather than bottling up my thoughts and feelings, like I normally do.
We went out tonight, the night started great, but for me it fell apart. Now, it had nothing to do with the people I was with, I loved the group I was out with, but my mind decided to get the better of me yet again tonight. I fucking HATE it when it decides to pull the self conscious business on me. Sometimes I find its effective to let my mind just 'free spiral' when I'm feeling low, and right now, these are the thoughts its screaming at me "you're too fat, you can't dance, you look like a fool, you're fucking ugly, no ones interested in you, you're a loser, people are laughing at you, people are staring at you" amongst other things, but that gives you the idea. Kinda like a panic attack if I have to parallel it to something, only without the physical feelings. It was just like my mind shut down after we changed locations and I'm really frustrated with it too, I was looking forward to going where we decided to go after the first bar wasn't working for us. You'd think the self conscious part of my brain would kick in when we were in the venue with a sparse crowd of people, but no instead it started to kick into over drive when I'm in a venue where I can blend in and 'hide' far better, although it also means getting bumped into, jostled, pushed, tripped over etc. I tend to have a bubble that's easily infringed on when I enter crowded places and I don't know why.
My friend and I had left after a near fight broke out, and she got her foot stomped on. I also wasn't feeling well (my stomach wasn't feeling too hot, even without a bunch of liqour in it) and she had gotten her foot stomped on quite badly. I guess I'm just really, really frustrated. I've been hurt so many times that I fear rejection, and now when I want more than ever to actually have attention, to be seen in an attractive manner, I lack the confidence to draw that attention in. It's a lonely, frustrating cycle. I saw a boy I was interested in tonight, do you think I could even manage to approach him? What makes it worse is that there is some unspoken pressure being put on me to be in a relationship or at least be intimate with someone. My mom and I have a fairly open relationship, and I don't hesitate to tell her most things, so when I told her about my birthday, her comments about it the next day "we all think you should have gotten laid so you can loosen up a bit". I know she was just joking about it, but she doesn't know how much it bothers me. I'm 22 and I'm a virgin. Now, I KNOW there is definitely good things behind this, but at the same time, it came sometimes make me feel out casted and 'abnormal' especially in the environment that I'm currently living in. On a daily basis I hear "oh so and so slept with this person" and "ohh I totally scored so and so last night", I just feel like I missed some sort of milestone or something. I blame it on the pressure society puts on us to have sex and look a certain way. This has also lead to, at one point in time, my mother questioning my sexuality because I've never been with anyone before, and most of my good friends are females. It's really awkward to be like "um no mom, I'm not a lesbian, boys just aren't into me because I'm fat and ugly" (not that I have anything against the gay community, I just don't identify that way).
Anyways, thats enough for my self loathing rant for the evening. I just really, really needed to get these thoughts out of my head before the bubbled up into something worse for the evening. My mind feels a bit lighter and isn't a rough as it was before. Now I just need it to get better, and function in a normal and confident manner in any and all situations I may encounter, instead of making it painfully obvious that I am uncomfortable in my own skin.
I'm glad you let your feelings out this way instead of others, and I'm sorry I wasn't in a place last night to help, and that I contributed, however indirectly, to your feelings.
ReplyDelete*HUG*
Red, first, don't apologize for what you say in your blog, and you don't sound whiny. You're letting your emotions out, which is what a blog is for. You don't have to make your readers happy, and you can totally be yourself here.
ReplyDeleteI understand your feelings of self doubt. I have them too, but I can say that they fade but don't disappear with more life experiences, by that I mean getting older. Mine were mostly caused by being small and thin - society puts pressure on the little people too - I can't tell you how many times as a kid or teen I was told to eat more, that I was too thin. Plus I'm gay, and when I was growing up in the 1970s and 80s that was so unacceptable that I internalized a lot of self hatred. But there are people out there who will see you for who you are, not just your size.
As a parent, I was appalled at your mom's comment. That sounds harsh, but really was too much. Some things just should be off limits for joking.
You're not missing nearly as much as you think by being a virgin. Sex just for sex's sake, and a few minutes of feeling good, seems empty afterward. You're wise to wait until it can mean more than that.