I just felt I had to comment on the fact that I spent this evening listening to music from back when I was in my late elementary school/early high school years. It's kind of neat to hear how music, and my own individual tastes have changed in the 11 (?) years since I was in grade 6 till now. Songs like Butterfly by Crazy Town, What's Your Fantasy by Ludacris, Fill Me In by Craig David, songs by The Calling, The Hamster Dance, and some of the old country music I liked, songs by Deanna Carter, Jessica Andrews, Adam Gregory, JoDee Messina, Toby Keith, Keith Urban etc.
Now, I find myself, depending on the time of the year, drifting between listening to hip/hop and rock music. Sometimes the nostalgia of the older music is nice. I also go through phases when I listen to the music I grew up with, as in the stuff that my parent's would listen to when I was younger, which I actually really enjoy.
This brings back memories of old school dances, and how utterly painful they were, on everyone's part. There are also memories of Video Dances we used to go to, where I socialized with a bunch of the wrong people, and had the potential to get myself into a ton of trouble but still managed to have insanely goo times. I think that was the first time I ever ground with a guy haha. It's almost embarassing to think about it now. At that point in time though, I was hanging out with people who were a couple years older, and was at a age where I was very easily influenced. I'm surprised I didn't get into more trouble than I did at that point. Although, that group did eventually lead to my first real kiss, but that's a whole other story.
Overall, I think to some degree I miss the old music. I mean yeah it still had its overly sexual themes (just thinking of What's Your Fantasy and The Bad Touch) but really, it just didn't seem as vulgar back then -shrugs- or maybe its just me being more desensitized to the newer stuff making all of this seem very, very mild.
What songs are really memorable to you guys?
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
School's Out For The Summer
Whew! 3rd year is FINALLY done! It was a long, hard, sometimes lonely year but in hindsight it was definitely rewarding. I learned a lot, about myself as a leader and just overall as a person, I grew in many ways, developed some new connections and friends, and forged even closer, deeper friendships with some of those who I knew going into the year. It also set me up with some new found courage, beyond what I had last summer.
I'm not sure how all of my exams went. I know I got an 80% one one of them, but I haven't seen any of my other marks yet. I believe they're being posted on the 30th though. It's funny though. Being home, and knowing that I'm home for 4 months without having to even think of learning and academics, I have this incessant feeling that I need to be studying or something. Maybe its a hint that I need to do some reading, for pleasure, which is something I haven't done since last August. I have a couple books on the go that I should finish. One of the books I was reading is called When Rabbit Howls by "The Troops" for Trudy Chase. It's about a woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder (when it was written though, it was before the term DID was used and these patients were referred to as having Multiple Personality Disorder). I'm so close to being done it. The other one I've been reading is a self-help book called "It's Not About Food" to work on coming out of the Eating Disorder mind set. It had some really good suggestions in it from when I was reading it before. I'm hoping to find out ways to help keep my mind on an even keel, and how to drop some of this weight without resorting to my "security blanket".
I hope to see some more changes this summer. My parents are finally starting to get serious about their own health, keeping less junk food in the house, doing more fresh cooking and dad's been trying to be a bit more physical. Mom could still use some changing however. Dad hasn't smoked since the Olympics, but she's definitely making up for what he's not smoking. But either way, this could be adventageous for me. I'm rather stoked for it. Dad's also going to fix up his one bike for me, so I can do some biking to and from work and that. I figure anything extra will help, considering I don't have access to a gym at this point in time.
I also applied for another job, and had the 'audition' (aka interview) for it today. I decided to try for the group counselor and support counselor positions at the local YMCA. It's a full time job, and I could definitely use the money and experience. I also still have my normal job at KFC, but it's only a max of 20 hours a week. Dad has been laid off for well over a year, so school this year is going to be tight, which is part of the reason I applied for this job. I've also applied at our local community living as a support worker for individuals with developmental disorders. Haven't heard back from them unfortunately.
Overall, I'm just glad to be home for the summer, although I'll miss a bunch of the people from school and can't wait to see them all again. The break is going to be nice though.
I'm not sure how all of my exams went. I know I got an 80% one one of them, but I haven't seen any of my other marks yet. I believe they're being posted on the 30th though. It's funny though. Being home, and knowing that I'm home for 4 months without having to even think of learning and academics, I have this incessant feeling that I need to be studying or something. Maybe its a hint that I need to do some reading, for pleasure, which is something I haven't done since last August. I have a couple books on the go that I should finish. One of the books I was reading is called When Rabbit Howls by "The Troops" for Trudy Chase. It's about a woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder (when it was written though, it was before the term DID was used and these patients were referred to as having Multiple Personality Disorder). I'm so close to being done it. The other one I've been reading is a self-help book called "It's Not About Food" to work on coming out of the Eating Disorder mind set. It had some really good suggestions in it from when I was reading it before. I'm hoping to find out ways to help keep my mind on an even keel, and how to drop some of this weight without resorting to my "security blanket".
I hope to see some more changes this summer. My parents are finally starting to get serious about their own health, keeping less junk food in the house, doing more fresh cooking and dad's been trying to be a bit more physical. Mom could still use some changing however. Dad hasn't smoked since the Olympics, but she's definitely making up for what he's not smoking. But either way, this could be adventageous for me. I'm rather stoked for it. Dad's also going to fix up his one bike for me, so I can do some biking to and from work and that. I figure anything extra will help, considering I don't have access to a gym at this point in time.
I also applied for another job, and had the 'audition' (aka interview) for it today. I decided to try for the group counselor and support counselor positions at the local YMCA. It's a full time job, and I could definitely use the money and experience. I also still have my normal job at KFC, but it's only a max of 20 hours a week. Dad has been laid off for well over a year, so school this year is going to be tight, which is part of the reason I applied for this job. I've also applied at our local community living as a support worker for individuals with developmental disorders. Haven't heard back from them unfortunately.
Overall, I'm just glad to be home for the summer, although I'll miss a bunch of the people from school and can't wait to see them all again. The break is going to be nice though.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Words/Actions of Wisdom
First of all, to go with the title of this post, it was inspired by a post on another blog I follow, (post titled "Life Changing Moments"), as well as a 'quest' on a game that I play looking what motivates you to do what you do. A recent fight with a friend over my food/weight/scale issues also made me think of how I have changed over this past semester and what had inspired those changes.
When I stop to think about the changes in myself, I can see a few select things. Although I am still often plagued with self-doubt, low self-concept and self-esteem, my daily average is still far more than it was when I was in high school. What brought about this change? Was it just age? being away from my home environment? or the activities I've been involved in?
First of all, my time management and sensitivity to deadlines has greatly increased, and so far I think that's the only way I've managed to get this far in university. This is thanks to two people. One of which, my grade 10-12 art teacher, gave me the advice "write it down in three places" including the day before something is due, and the day it is due, that way you're aware of it, and more likely to get it done. The other was a good friend of mine who is graduating this year. She gave me a crash course in scheduling last year, when I had a crazy hard exam schedule (3 finals in the span of 24 hours). Without her pep talk about 'sit down, write a schedule, than stick to it', I have no idea how I would have survived without going insane. Now, I don't need to micromanage my time during tight times like that (because now I get how to do it, and I generally schedule better in my head anyways)
"Don't study the morning before and exam" this one was spoken by my grade 11 and 12 chemistry teacher. This gentleman was fresh out of university, so he had lots of great advice for us going on to post secondary education and really understood where we were coming from. I remember him telling us that he hated it when he saw all these people cramming just before they walked into their exam. His logic behind NOT studying the day of an exam: You probably won't learn something new, and if you do, you'll probably forget something you've already learned. So in all reality you're not making any new gains. Now, I may still study the day of an exam, but I definitely make a point of taking at least 2 hours off before I have to write the exam, so that way my brain can relax and actually consolidate anything new I may have learned. I definitely stress FAR LESS going into exams now. The same teacher also gave me this gem (and this one is copied and pasted directly from an e-email he sent me when I was in my first year here) "Take a deep breath and try to split the information into two parts - stuff you know and stuff you don't know. If you know it, don't study it. If you don't, study it and make some questions to get help with. That's it. The most successful people aren't those who know their strengths but those who know their weaknesses!" This has made studying way easier than I could have imagined. Again, this is definitely something that has helped me get through my first 3 years of university. I don't think i would have survived first year Chemistry if it wasn't for this man.
"Ain't nobodies eyes but mine" - This one was curtosy of my lovely, lovely dance instructor here at the school. As I've said before self confidence isn't a strong point in my repetoire of personality traits. In this one, I had did my first year of dance, doing hip hop, which was HUGE step for me to take to begin with, and took a couple friends to be there for moral support. The same teacher also taught beginner Jazz, which I decided I wanted to take. So come second year, I take this class, and then within the first couple of classes, have 2 anxiety attacks due to the 'across the room' (for those of you who don't dance, its basically we line up in about 4 to 5 lines across the one end of the studio, and one person from each line takes a turn doing a sequence of steps down to the other end of the room) and the feelings of everyone's eyes being on me and being worried about 'fucking up' and 'being bad at it'. I had a rather tear-filled discussion with her after class, which resulted in being told that I was doing fantastically for my first couple of Jazz classes, and that when it come's to it, it would be ain't nobodies eyes but hers on me while I was doing it, and that it was only her eyes that mattered. After that, I don't think I ever had another panic attack in one of those classes, gained confidence in my ability as a dancer, and have even since moved on to also take Ballet, in a totally different studio that she has no affiliation with - not because I think I'm great or anything, but because I just love dance. I've only been dancing for 3 years now, but I've advanced in leaps and bounds, and my overall self-confidence and self-esteem has greatly improved, especially during this year in dance, when I was being placed in more major roles in the dances and being placed at the front of the group, especially in hiphop (which is still my forte)
"By trying and asking questions, you will succeed. Not trying and not asking will cause you to fail." That one was compliments of my mother. I had a really, really hard time adjusting to first year university, so badly we didn't think I'd make it through first year, and that I'd need to withdraw. Part of it was that I was terrified to ask question, and to get help, be in academically or psychologically. She wrote this on a simple piece of blank paper, and put it up on my wall. It's been posted every year since, just as a reminder when I'm not feeling like I can do something, to ask questions and to try my hardest, and even if it's not the best mark in the world, or the outcome I was specifically looking at, I will succeed in a way that I was meant to.
"When we look at you we doing see your shape or size, we see just you" and "it's just like you walking around with 3-4 textbooks in your backpack. It ain't gonna kill him to go for an hours ride once or twice a week" These were spoken by the my husband and wife team of riding instructors at my old barn. The first one was said when I very first started with them, when I was talking about some of the adversity I have faced being an obese person trying to succeed in the world of horseback riding. I had been riding for about 9 years at that point in time, but was getting harder to find places after I had to sell my horse, because no one was comfortable having a rider of my size get on their horses. They looked past my weight and saw how I do ride, and the person I am on the inside. That comment made that place feel like home. The second one came when I was having a low day, and said something about feeling too big to ride our 14.2hh arabian x quarter horse. It was just a feel good comment, and gave me courage to be able to stand up to some people about the type of horses the may or may not let me ride, and to realize that I wouldn't 'break his back' like some of the kids in my grade school classes told me when they found out that I was taking riding lessons.
I'm sure I have way more that I could boast about, but at this point in time, it's nearly 4am, and I definitely need to get some sleep. Last day to study for my exam on Thursday, soooo I need to get up at some sort of decent hour. But before I leave, what are some of the inspirational stories you guys have, or words of wisdom that have been passed to you, and made a difference in your life? Please share!
Have a great night
-Red
When I stop to think about the changes in myself, I can see a few select things. Although I am still often plagued with self-doubt, low self-concept and self-esteem, my daily average is still far more than it was when I was in high school. What brought about this change? Was it just age? being away from my home environment? or the activities I've been involved in?
First of all, my time management and sensitivity to deadlines has greatly increased, and so far I think that's the only way I've managed to get this far in university. This is thanks to two people. One of which, my grade 10-12 art teacher, gave me the advice "write it down in three places" including the day before something is due, and the day it is due, that way you're aware of it, and more likely to get it done. The other was a good friend of mine who is graduating this year. She gave me a crash course in scheduling last year, when I had a crazy hard exam schedule (3 finals in the span of 24 hours). Without her pep talk about 'sit down, write a schedule, than stick to it', I have no idea how I would have survived without going insane. Now, I don't need to micromanage my time during tight times like that (because now I get how to do it, and I generally schedule better in my head anyways)
"Don't study the morning before and exam" this one was spoken by my grade 11 and 12 chemistry teacher. This gentleman was fresh out of university, so he had lots of great advice for us going on to post secondary education and really understood where we were coming from. I remember him telling us that he hated it when he saw all these people cramming just before they walked into their exam. His logic behind NOT studying the day of an exam: You probably won't learn something new, and if you do, you'll probably forget something you've already learned. So in all reality you're not making any new gains. Now, I may still study the day of an exam, but I definitely make a point of taking at least 2 hours off before I have to write the exam, so that way my brain can relax and actually consolidate anything new I may have learned. I definitely stress FAR LESS going into exams now. The same teacher also gave me this gem (and this one is copied and pasted directly from an e-email he sent me when I was in my first year here) "Take a deep breath and try to split the information into two parts - stuff you know and stuff you don't know. If you know it, don't study it. If you don't, study it and make some questions to get help with. That's it. The most successful people aren't those who know their strengths but those who know their weaknesses!" This has made studying way easier than I could have imagined. Again, this is definitely something that has helped me get through my first 3 years of university. I don't think i would have survived first year Chemistry if it wasn't for this man.
"Ain't nobodies eyes but mine" - This one was curtosy of my lovely, lovely dance instructor here at the school. As I've said before self confidence isn't a strong point in my repetoire of personality traits. In this one, I had did my first year of dance, doing hip hop, which was HUGE step for me to take to begin with, and took a couple friends to be there for moral support. The same teacher also taught beginner Jazz, which I decided I wanted to take. So come second year, I take this class, and then within the first couple of classes, have 2 anxiety attacks due to the 'across the room' (for those of you who don't dance, its basically we line up in about 4 to 5 lines across the one end of the studio, and one person from each line takes a turn doing a sequence of steps down to the other end of the room) and the feelings of everyone's eyes being on me and being worried about 'fucking up' and 'being bad at it'. I had a rather tear-filled discussion with her after class, which resulted in being told that I was doing fantastically for my first couple of Jazz classes, and that when it come's to it, it would be ain't nobodies eyes but hers on me while I was doing it, and that it was only her eyes that mattered. After that, I don't think I ever had another panic attack in one of those classes, gained confidence in my ability as a dancer, and have even since moved on to also take Ballet, in a totally different studio that she has no affiliation with - not because I think I'm great or anything, but because I just love dance. I've only been dancing for 3 years now, but I've advanced in leaps and bounds, and my overall self-confidence and self-esteem has greatly improved, especially during this year in dance, when I was being placed in more major roles in the dances and being placed at the front of the group, especially in hiphop (which is still my forte)
"By trying and asking questions, you will succeed. Not trying and not asking will cause you to fail." That one was compliments of my mother. I had a really, really hard time adjusting to first year university, so badly we didn't think I'd make it through first year, and that I'd need to withdraw. Part of it was that I was terrified to ask question, and to get help, be in academically or psychologically. She wrote this on a simple piece of blank paper, and put it up on my wall. It's been posted every year since, just as a reminder when I'm not feeling like I can do something, to ask questions and to try my hardest, and even if it's not the best mark in the world, or the outcome I was specifically looking at, I will succeed in a way that I was meant to.
"When we look at you we doing see your shape or size, we see just you" and "it's just like you walking around with 3-4 textbooks in your backpack. It ain't gonna kill him to go for an hours ride once or twice a week" These were spoken by the my husband and wife team of riding instructors at my old barn. The first one was said when I very first started with them, when I was talking about some of the adversity I have faced being an obese person trying to succeed in the world of horseback riding. I had been riding for about 9 years at that point in time, but was getting harder to find places after I had to sell my horse, because no one was comfortable having a rider of my size get on their horses. They looked past my weight and saw how I do ride, and the person I am on the inside. That comment made that place feel like home. The second one came when I was having a low day, and said something about feeling too big to ride our 14.2hh arabian x quarter horse. It was just a feel good comment, and gave me courage to be able to stand up to some people about the type of horses the may or may not let me ride, and to realize that I wouldn't 'break his back' like some of the kids in my grade school classes told me when they found out that I was taking riding lessons.
I'm sure I have way more that I could boast about, but at this point in time, it's nearly 4am, and I definitely need to get some sleep. Last day to study for my exam on Thursday, soooo I need to get up at some sort of decent hour. But before I leave, what are some of the inspirational stories you guys have, or words of wisdom that have been passed to you, and made a difference in your life? Please share!
Have a great night
-Red
Sunday, April 18, 2010
'Cuz I Hate The Way I Feel Tonight
Despite not being religious, the song The Way I Feel by the band 12 Stones is ringing through my mind right now. For anyone that's interested here's a link to it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9G_NA1-3xXM (because I'm still new to blogger and don't really know how to embed a youtube video onto it).
The chorus is really what is most prominent to me. I hate the way I feel tonight, and I hate the way I feel inside. I've been really trying hard to focus on the positive over the past little bit, and had nights like my birthday that really, really pulled me up into a place in my mind that I'm working towards staying in, so I apologize that some of my posts recently have been kind of down and 'whiny' sounding. I'm definitely trying to use this blog as an outlet, rather than bottling up my thoughts and feelings, like I normally do.
We went out tonight, the night started great, but for me it fell apart. Now, it had nothing to do with the people I was with, I loved the group I was out with, but my mind decided to get the better of me yet again tonight. I fucking HATE it when it decides to pull the self conscious business on me. Sometimes I find its effective to let my mind just 'free spiral' when I'm feeling low, and right now, these are the thoughts its screaming at me "you're too fat, you can't dance, you look like a fool, you're fucking ugly, no ones interested in you, you're a loser, people are laughing at you, people are staring at you" amongst other things, but that gives you the idea. Kinda like a panic attack if I have to parallel it to something, only without the physical feelings. It was just like my mind shut down after we changed locations and I'm really frustrated with it too, I was looking forward to going where we decided to go after the first bar wasn't working for us. You'd think the self conscious part of my brain would kick in when we were in the venue with a sparse crowd of people, but no instead it started to kick into over drive when I'm in a venue where I can blend in and 'hide' far better, although it also means getting bumped into, jostled, pushed, tripped over etc. I tend to have a bubble that's easily infringed on when I enter crowded places and I don't know why.
My friend and I had left after a near fight broke out, and she got her foot stomped on. I also wasn't feeling well (my stomach wasn't feeling too hot, even without a bunch of liqour in it) and she had gotten her foot stomped on quite badly. I guess I'm just really, really frustrated. I've been hurt so many times that I fear rejection, and now when I want more than ever to actually have attention, to be seen in an attractive manner, I lack the confidence to draw that attention in. It's a lonely, frustrating cycle. I saw a boy I was interested in tonight, do you think I could even manage to approach him? What makes it worse is that there is some unspoken pressure being put on me to be in a relationship or at least be intimate with someone. My mom and I have a fairly open relationship, and I don't hesitate to tell her most things, so when I told her about my birthday, her comments about it the next day "we all think you should have gotten laid so you can loosen up a bit". I know she was just joking about it, but she doesn't know how much it bothers me. I'm 22 and I'm a virgin. Now, I KNOW there is definitely good things behind this, but at the same time, it came sometimes make me feel out casted and 'abnormal' especially in the environment that I'm currently living in. On a daily basis I hear "oh so and so slept with this person" and "ohh I totally scored so and so last night", I just feel like I missed some sort of milestone or something. I blame it on the pressure society puts on us to have sex and look a certain way. This has also lead to, at one point in time, my mother questioning my sexuality because I've never been with anyone before, and most of my good friends are females. It's really awkward to be like "um no mom, I'm not a lesbian, boys just aren't into me because I'm fat and ugly" (not that I have anything against the gay community, I just don't identify that way).
Anyways, thats enough for my self loathing rant for the evening. I just really, really needed to get these thoughts out of my head before the bubbled up into something worse for the evening. My mind feels a bit lighter and isn't a rough as it was before. Now I just need it to get better, and function in a normal and confident manner in any and all situations I may encounter, instead of making it painfully obvious that I am uncomfortable in my own skin.
The chorus is really what is most prominent to me. I hate the way I feel tonight, and I hate the way I feel inside. I've been really trying hard to focus on the positive over the past little bit, and had nights like my birthday that really, really pulled me up into a place in my mind that I'm working towards staying in, so I apologize that some of my posts recently have been kind of down and 'whiny' sounding. I'm definitely trying to use this blog as an outlet, rather than bottling up my thoughts and feelings, like I normally do.
We went out tonight, the night started great, but for me it fell apart. Now, it had nothing to do with the people I was with, I loved the group I was out with, but my mind decided to get the better of me yet again tonight. I fucking HATE it when it decides to pull the self conscious business on me. Sometimes I find its effective to let my mind just 'free spiral' when I'm feeling low, and right now, these are the thoughts its screaming at me "you're too fat, you can't dance, you look like a fool, you're fucking ugly, no ones interested in you, you're a loser, people are laughing at you, people are staring at you" amongst other things, but that gives you the idea. Kinda like a panic attack if I have to parallel it to something, only without the physical feelings. It was just like my mind shut down after we changed locations and I'm really frustrated with it too, I was looking forward to going where we decided to go after the first bar wasn't working for us. You'd think the self conscious part of my brain would kick in when we were in the venue with a sparse crowd of people, but no instead it started to kick into over drive when I'm in a venue where I can blend in and 'hide' far better, although it also means getting bumped into, jostled, pushed, tripped over etc. I tend to have a bubble that's easily infringed on when I enter crowded places and I don't know why.
My friend and I had left after a near fight broke out, and she got her foot stomped on. I also wasn't feeling well (my stomach wasn't feeling too hot, even without a bunch of liqour in it) and she had gotten her foot stomped on quite badly. I guess I'm just really, really frustrated. I've been hurt so many times that I fear rejection, and now when I want more than ever to actually have attention, to be seen in an attractive manner, I lack the confidence to draw that attention in. It's a lonely, frustrating cycle. I saw a boy I was interested in tonight, do you think I could even manage to approach him? What makes it worse is that there is some unspoken pressure being put on me to be in a relationship or at least be intimate with someone. My mom and I have a fairly open relationship, and I don't hesitate to tell her most things, so when I told her about my birthday, her comments about it the next day "we all think you should have gotten laid so you can loosen up a bit". I know she was just joking about it, but she doesn't know how much it bothers me. I'm 22 and I'm a virgin. Now, I KNOW there is definitely good things behind this, but at the same time, it came sometimes make me feel out casted and 'abnormal' especially in the environment that I'm currently living in. On a daily basis I hear "oh so and so slept with this person" and "ohh I totally scored so and so last night", I just feel like I missed some sort of milestone or something. I blame it on the pressure society puts on us to have sex and look a certain way. This has also lead to, at one point in time, my mother questioning my sexuality because I've never been with anyone before, and most of my good friends are females. It's really awkward to be like "um no mom, I'm not a lesbian, boys just aren't into me because I'm fat and ugly" (not that I have anything against the gay community, I just don't identify that way).
Anyways, thats enough for my self loathing rant for the evening. I just really, really needed to get these thoughts out of my head before the bubbled up into something worse for the evening. My mind feels a bit lighter and isn't a rough as it was before. Now I just need it to get better, and function in a normal and confident manner in any and all situations I may encounter, instead of making it painfully obvious that I am uncomfortable in my own skin.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Why Hello There 3am
Well 3am, its funny how as this semester drew to a close, and exams are now upon me, that you and I have became best friends. It seems I'm seeing more and more of you, as I am surrounded by papers, presentations and final exams. It's not that I hold off until doing all of my assignments or studying the day before, I've just been graced with really, really crappy assignment and exam schedules. On the cover the exam schedule looks nice. 2 exams in the first week and 2 in the second week, the last two exams won't be bad, but the first 2 are in the first 3 days of the exam schedule, both of them from 7-9pm. The one today wasn't bad. I think I probably got a solid 75%, which would be fantastic, considering that I didn't even get to start to study for it until today. The one I have tomorrow (or err today, I almost forgot we're on a date, 3am) I will have spent 3 days on and still arent close to going through all the material that I need to know. Luckily I still have today to work on it. I just hope I can actually get up on time (thanks for keeping me out late, 3 am). I think today's exam probably LOOKS far more daunting than it actually is, I mean this is my first 4th year class, with a totally different format than anything I've seen before. I highly doubt I'll get all the way through the rest of the 11 journal articles I needed to review.
Courses that have a multitude of journal articles for the readings really need a midterm (no lie, this course had at least 2 20-40 page journal articles to read every week). Journal's aren't easy things to read, and the meanings can get lost in all the technical jargon. Please give us a chance to break it up a bit. Another thing, any class should have all possible marks posted BEFORE the day you write the final. This course is seminar based, and so most of the marks were based off of participation, a group facilitation and a term paper. The term paper was handed in on Friday, so I can't expect to have my grade for that going into the exam, but ALL participation marks as well as the facilitation marks should be posted. I have my participation marks, but no sight of my group facilitation grade. So essentially.... I'm going into this final knowing just what I have out of 20% of my grade. A very, very disconcerting feeling if I do say so myself. Now, the exam is only worth 25% of my mark, i've never had one be worth so little, so I'm hoping that as long as I did half decent on my facilitation and my term paper that even if I fail this final (which I have a feeling I might, but here's hoping that I dont!)
Well, 3am, it was nice seeing you again tonight. I really hope you don't ruin my day again. Overall though, I think I have to tell you that our relationship has to stop. I'm getting tired, and cranky, and dark purple circles under my eyes (which is definitely not attractive, and not helping to keep me on the self-esteem high I've been on since my birthday), and encouraging me to overeat 'to have energy to make it through these long hours'. So, that being said, I'm done ranting for the evening. G'night 3am!
Courses that have a multitude of journal articles for the readings really need a midterm (no lie, this course had at least 2 20-40 page journal articles to read every week). Journal's aren't easy things to read, and the meanings can get lost in all the technical jargon. Please give us a chance to break it up a bit. Another thing, any class should have all possible marks posted BEFORE the day you write the final. This course is seminar based, and so most of the marks were based off of participation, a group facilitation and a term paper. The term paper was handed in on Friday, so I can't expect to have my grade for that going into the exam, but ALL participation marks as well as the facilitation marks should be posted. I have my participation marks, but no sight of my group facilitation grade. So essentially.... I'm going into this final knowing just what I have out of 20% of my grade. A very, very disconcerting feeling if I do say so myself. Now, the exam is only worth 25% of my mark, i've never had one be worth so little, so I'm hoping that as long as I did half decent on my facilitation and my term paper that even if I fail this final (which I have a feeling I might, but here's hoping that I dont!)
Well, 3am, it was nice seeing you again tonight. I really hope you don't ruin my day again. Overall though, I think I have to tell you that our relationship has to stop. I'm getting tired, and cranky, and dark purple circles under my eyes (which is definitely not attractive, and not helping to keep me on the self-esteem high I've been on since my birthday), and encouraging me to overeat 'to have energy to make it through these long hours'. So, that being said, I'm done ranting for the evening. G'night 3am!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Happy Effin Birthday To Me!!
And I seriously mean that too. I just have to say last night was one of the best nights I've had in AGES (also the most drunk I've been since perhaps first year?) On top of being my birthday, it was also the last day of classes, I had finally got my term paper, and it was our RLS banquet. Banquet was great, everyone looked fantastic and the dinner was delicious, but then it was time to head back for some after banquet/birthday festivities.
Thanks to certain friends (Madeleine included) I was drunk before I even wen to the bar. There's something about: Friend: oh thats not strong enough Me:-adds some more vodka to my coke- here, is that better Friend: -takes a sip- I can approve of that. Me: damnit but now I can taste the alcohol so I need to drink it fast -chugs drink- that gets you drunk pretty past. We ended up downtown at a bar that is a tradition for us to go to after banquet, and I tested the waters a bit, managing to dance with one of the hottest boys on our staff, before we ended up heading out to another bar.
I went up to buy myself the only drink i spent my own money on all evening, and there was a boy a the barn who, drunkenly hit on me. I amused him for a little bit than wandered back to Madeleine and some of my other friends. I contemplated going back and bringing the boy from the bar back to the dance floor, so with a help of a little social support behind me, I got him to come to the dance floor and well... things just kinda happened from there -insert blushing face here-. Not only did I get to actually dance with someone he kinda sorta made out (well I'm not sure if it was exactly 'making out' but he did kiss me multiple times, with tongue too :P)
I realize that to some of you this might not sound like a big deal, but man am I still walking on a cloud. For some reason (and i'm not religious but it must have been the grace of God or something... or the fact that I went to the gym before getting ready for banquet which may have given an increase in endorphins) I felt fantastic. I thought I looked good and thus my confidence was over my head that night. May I mention, that this is the first time anything like this situation has ever happened to me. Talk about a confidence boost. Rumor has it we're going out again next week, so maybe I'll find someone else next week :D
Thanks to certain friends (Madeleine included) I was drunk before I even wen to the bar. There's something about: Friend: oh thats not strong enough Me:-adds some more vodka to my coke- here, is that better Friend: -takes a sip- I can approve of that. Me: damnit but now I can taste the alcohol so I need to drink it fast -chugs drink- that gets you drunk pretty past. We ended up downtown at a bar that is a tradition for us to go to after banquet, and I tested the waters a bit, managing to dance with one of the hottest boys on our staff, before we ended up heading out to another bar.
I went up to buy myself the only drink i spent my own money on all evening, and there was a boy a the barn who, drunkenly hit on me. I amused him for a little bit than wandered back to Madeleine and some of my other friends. I contemplated going back and bringing the boy from the bar back to the dance floor, so with a help of a little social support behind me, I got him to come to the dance floor and well... things just kinda happened from there -insert blushing face here-. Not only did I get to actually dance with someone he kinda sorta made out (well I'm not sure if it was exactly 'making out' but he did kiss me multiple times, with tongue too :P)
I realize that to some of you this might not sound like a big deal, but man am I still walking on a cloud. For some reason (and i'm not religious but it must have been the grace of God or something... or the fact that I went to the gym before getting ready for banquet which may have given an increase in endorphins) I felt fantastic. I thought I looked good and thus my confidence was over my head that night. May I mention, that this is the first time anything like this situation has ever happened to me. Talk about a confidence boost. Rumor has it we're going out again next week, so maybe I'll find someone else next week :D
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Perfect and Beautiful Are Subjective
To set this stage for this entry, I should start with saying that although I've been working on keeping an even balance for this week, with the oncoming banquet and such, I've been failing, somewhat miserably. The negative thought patterns and feelings tend to be a response to large amounts of stress, and the end of the school semester is without a doubt a time frame that sets the stage for these feelings. Regardless of the exact feelings in my mind right now, I was having a discussion with a really good friend of mine today, who a few weeks ago had some of her own almost really serious problems. The tone of the discussion was somewhat heavy all around and ended with the words "you're perfect the way you are - and from the way it seems tons of people love you for who you are" and "you're one of the most beautiful people I know. Outside and in."
I think comments like that are the most frustrating things that can be said to people who have body image issues and for those who support us to actually say. It's hard to explain to people that comments like that actually mean the world to you, although they're often met with much protest. I know myself, comments like that generally make me cry, the feeling of having something said to you, that you KNOW, but can't validate with the feelings to match it is an extremely frustrating feeling. It's this huge disconnect between logical knowing and the internal working models of the self that we have (ugh please excuse the psychology terms. A course on nothing but attachment theory brings about references like that). Many times we have problems with identifying and expressing our own emotions (although we may be fantastic at recognizing and attending to the emotions of others), which can sometimes lead to rough and often nasty sounding remarks to the people who lend us these expressions.
To my friend today, I used the word "subjective" when she told me I was 'perfect'. Ever since I got sick, I've wanted a tattoo of the chinese symbol for perfection on the back of my neck. I think it represents the struggle perfectly, the symbol because I KNOW that I'm perfect just the way I am, but the placement to symbolize the feeling of it being impossible to obtain my idea of what perfection is. I challenge you to write a definition of what "perfect" is and compare it to other peoples, I would be curious to know if everyone came up with the same meaning.
Please realize that if you're dealing with a person with these issues, although your comments of support may be met abrasively, it's not that they aren't greatful for them. I think many of us crave hearing things like that, but at the same time no one finds it easy to accept when their 'beliefs and values' (and I use that term loosely, partially because I can't think of another word other than cognitions) are challenged.
Now that that's off my chest, I just wanted to say that I had a fantastic time out with Madeleine and our other friend, riding yesterday. I hadn't been in the saddle since September, as I ride during the summer and dance during the school year. Although it was over cast and slightly chilly, it was still a fantastic time out, and definitely made me remember how much I do miss the horses during the school year. Unfortunately, with my barn closing down I'm not sure if I'll be able to ride this summer, but if not I'll be on the search for a dance studio. Need to decide whether I want to look for hip hop classes or ballet and/or jazz before I actually start looking though. On one hand I feel like I'm a far better hip hop dancer, but at the same time I could use the work on my foundations. Eh still have a few weeks before I even can think about that though.
Anyways, back to writing this stupid paper for Friday.
I think comments like that are the most frustrating things that can be said to people who have body image issues and for those who support us to actually say. It's hard to explain to people that comments like that actually mean the world to you, although they're often met with much protest. I know myself, comments like that generally make me cry, the feeling of having something said to you, that you KNOW, but can't validate with the feelings to match it is an extremely frustrating feeling. It's this huge disconnect between logical knowing and the internal working models of the self that we have (ugh please excuse the psychology terms. A course on nothing but attachment theory brings about references like that). Many times we have problems with identifying and expressing our own emotions (although we may be fantastic at recognizing and attending to the emotions of others), which can sometimes lead to rough and often nasty sounding remarks to the people who lend us these expressions.
To my friend today, I used the word "subjective" when she told me I was 'perfect'. Ever since I got sick, I've wanted a tattoo of the chinese symbol for perfection on the back of my neck. I think it represents the struggle perfectly, the symbol because I KNOW that I'm perfect just the way I am, but the placement to symbolize the feeling of it being impossible to obtain my idea of what perfection is. I challenge you to write a definition of what "perfect" is and compare it to other peoples, I would be curious to know if everyone came up with the same meaning.
Please realize that if you're dealing with a person with these issues, although your comments of support may be met abrasively, it's not that they aren't greatful for them. I think many of us crave hearing things like that, but at the same time no one finds it easy to accept when their 'beliefs and values' (and I use that term loosely, partially because I can't think of another word other than cognitions) are challenged.
Now that that's off my chest, I just wanted to say that I had a fantastic time out with Madeleine and our other friend, riding yesterday. I hadn't been in the saddle since September, as I ride during the summer and dance during the school year. Although it was over cast and slightly chilly, it was still a fantastic time out, and definitely made me remember how much I do miss the horses during the school year. Unfortunately, with my barn closing down I'm not sure if I'll be able to ride this summer, but if not I'll be on the search for a dance studio. Need to decide whether I want to look for hip hop classes or ballet and/or jazz before I actually start looking though. On one hand I feel like I'm a far better hip hop dancer, but at the same time I could use the work on my foundations. Eh still have a few weeks before I even can think about that though.
Anyways, back to writing this stupid paper for Friday.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Lose Weight Fast and "You Don't Waddle As Much When You Walk" among other thing
I went home for Easter weekend, I needed the break from here. I've had papers and presentations coming at me from every direction since the last couple weeks of March, and with my last two assignments due this week, I needed to have some time to refresh my mind and come back to them with a new outlook. The break was fantastic overall, it was a rare instance where I was completely spoiled by my parents (well I shouldn't say rare, but dad hasn't worked for more than 4 months all year due to the whole GM economy plumet so it's been far and few between) and it was definitely what I needed.
I was up late Saturday night though, a few things on my mind. Mom and I had went to work to visit my cousin and some of my other friends from the establishment. I haven't seen my cousin since Grade 12, he hasn't changed. It was good to see my moms friend too, I haven't seen her since the end of August just about, maybe a couple odd times here and there when I've been out with Mom when I've been home. Now, I've been working hard since the beginning of this semester to 'get into shape' and 'lose some weight', you know the common New Years Resolution. At least for me it's stuck and hasn't been some dashed dream, even if progress has been slow and currently slightly stunted by the workload schools decided to dish out. Mom said she could tell when I saw her when I first arrived home on Friday - cool, unless she's just being a mom and trying to bring up my confidence. My moms friend sees me too and says I'm looking fitter, commenting on the areas that look slimmed down, but what's the other comment she makes? "You waddle less when you walk"... thanks... its a half compliment so I'm trying to take it for what it is, but really, could you have not said something else. If I'm huge now I hate to imagine what I looked like earlier in the year.
Now I'm sure she didn't mean it how it came out, but certain things set me off, and things like that is one of them. Later that night, as I said, I was up far too late, infomercials come onto the television. One is for a workout thing called Insanity. The company is upfront and honest, it's not going to be easy and you have to be prepared to work. Finally some honest from these money mongers. Next though, is a commercial for some piece of exercise equipment. The slogan "lose weight fast and easily". Really? Fast and Easy? I wish.
Although obesity is definitely a issues of rising concern amongst society, these companies have to stop instilling false hope. Weight is NOT something you can lose quickly, nor is it something that is 'easy' to do. The easy part about weight, for the most part is putting it on. I swear if weight was that easy to take off I'd be nothing but skin and bones right now. I try not to watch those infomercials, they generally just make me more angry than they do anything else. Give me Magic Bullet, Miracle Blade or GT Express 101 any day though haha.
With banquet and my birthday this week, it's going to be filled with thoughts of looking great for Friday. Lets see if I can keep up high hopes for my appearance.
I was up late Saturday night though, a few things on my mind. Mom and I had went to work to visit my cousin and some of my other friends from the establishment. I haven't seen my cousin since Grade 12, he hasn't changed. It was good to see my moms friend too, I haven't seen her since the end of August just about, maybe a couple odd times here and there when I've been out with Mom when I've been home. Now, I've been working hard since the beginning of this semester to 'get into shape' and 'lose some weight', you know the common New Years Resolution. At least for me it's stuck and hasn't been some dashed dream, even if progress has been slow and currently slightly stunted by the workload schools decided to dish out. Mom said she could tell when I saw her when I first arrived home on Friday - cool, unless she's just being a mom and trying to bring up my confidence. My moms friend sees me too and says I'm looking fitter, commenting on the areas that look slimmed down, but what's the other comment she makes? "You waddle less when you walk"... thanks... its a half compliment so I'm trying to take it for what it is, but really, could you have not said something else. If I'm huge now I hate to imagine what I looked like earlier in the year.
Now I'm sure she didn't mean it how it came out, but certain things set me off, and things like that is one of them. Later that night, as I said, I was up far too late, infomercials come onto the television. One is for a workout thing called Insanity. The company is upfront and honest, it's not going to be easy and you have to be prepared to work. Finally some honest from these money mongers. Next though, is a commercial for some piece of exercise equipment. The slogan "lose weight fast and easily". Really? Fast and Easy? I wish.
Although obesity is definitely a issues of rising concern amongst society, these companies have to stop instilling false hope. Weight is NOT something you can lose quickly, nor is it something that is 'easy' to do. The easy part about weight, for the most part is putting it on. I swear if weight was that easy to take off I'd be nothing but skin and bones right now. I try not to watch those infomercials, they generally just make me more angry than they do anything else. Give me Magic Bullet, Miracle Blade or GT Express 101 any day though haha.
With banquet and my birthday this week, it's going to be filled with thoughts of looking great for Friday. Lets see if I can keep up high hopes for my appearance.
Just a Preface
A friend of mine encouraged me to start this blog. Her statement "everyone has a story" is something that has been kept in my mind since we first talked about it. I plan on keeping this blog, partially as a day to day rant, but also in the hopes of possibly reaching out to someone, and letting them know that they're not alone. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a 21 year old female who lives somewhere in Ontario, Canada and am currently a third year university student studying Psychology at a school that's about an hour and a half out of my home town. More finite details may be exposed later on, but until then just call me Red.
Perhaps I should preface this. We all have the journey's we face on a day to day basis, and we all have our demons that we fight in a seemingly never ending battle. I know I've been fighting a lot longer than I would like to be. If you're bold tell me what you fight. Like most of the increasing population in North America I struggle with weight issues. I'm fat. And I don't mean that in the angsty way you here many girls my age say it. I am legitimately, clinically, whatever you want to call it over weight. Obese actually. It takes a lot for me to say that openly, as I've had to struggle with the shame and ridicule that comes with the term. Regularly the word makes me cringe, and it shouldn't - it's just a word. My weight isn't the only problem, I also live my day to day life with the nagging voice in the back of my mind that tells me that I'm not good enough, that I shouldn't eat and or that I should throw back what I have consumed.
I've known many people with eating disorders between real life and the anonminity of the internet, and so far I've been the only one that I've known that has struggled with both obesity and an eating disorder, that doesn't entail just strictly Compulsive Overeating anyways. I agree, it's not always an easy thing to talk about, and many of the thoughts may not be understood unless you've walked down that pathway too. I faced adversity trying to seek help when I knew I needed it, going to the doctors and telling them that I had this issue with eating was met with round about responses, some assuming that I was just 'copying' a new group of friends or that it was probably just all in my head. Simply put, in their books, I wasn't 80lbs, so there was no way I could be sick.
It took a trip to a dietitian to address my weight to finally get the help I needed, with an answer of "does throwing them up count?" when asked if I skipped meals. I guess my message here, is that if you need help, search for it until you get what you need. You're worth that much, and deserve to be at a healthier point in your life.
So I guess, overall I aim to document my struggles, even after 'recovery' and my journey in attempt to shed this weight. Maybe people will read this, maybe they wont, who knows, but I hope that if you do find yourself reading this, and suffer from any of the issues I talk about, I hope you find support and comfort, knowing that you're not alone. And, I hope that you too can get to a place in your mind that you deserve to be. I'm still stumbling around looking for it, and sometimes the faith that I will find it is waning, but one day, I too will make it.
Perhaps I should preface this. We all have the journey's we face on a day to day basis, and we all have our demons that we fight in a seemingly never ending battle. I know I've been fighting a lot longer than I would like to be. If you're bold tell me what you fight. Like most of the increasing population in North America I struggle with weight issues. I'm fat. And I don't mean that in the angsty way you here many girls my age say it. I am legitimately, clinically, whatever you want to call it over weight. Obese actually. It takes a lot for me to say that openly, as I've had to struggle with the shame and ridicule that comes with the term. Regularly the word makes me cringe, and it shouldn't - it's just a word. My weight isn't the only problem, I also live my day to day life with the nagging voice in the back of my mind that tells me that I'm not good enough, that I shouldn't eat and or that I should throw back what I have consumed.
I've known many people with eating disorders between real life and the anonminity of the internet, and so far I've been the only one that I've known that has struggled with both obesity and an eating disorder, that doesn't entail just strictly Compulsive Overeating anyways. I agree, it's not always an easy thing to talk about, and many of the thoughts may not be understood unless you've walked down that pathway too. I faced adversity trying to seek help when I knew I needed it, going to the doctors and telling them that I had this issue with eating was met with round about responses, some assuming that I was just 'copying' a new group of friends or that it was probably just all in my head. Simply put, in their books, I wasn't 80lbs, so there was no way I could be sick.
It took a trip to a dietitian to address my weight to finally get the help I needed, with an answer of "does throwing them up count?" when asked if I skipped meals. I guess my message here, is that if you need help, search for it until you get what you need. You're worth that much, and deserve to be at a healthier point in your life.
So I guess, overall I aim to document my struggles, even after 'recovery' and my journey in attempt to shed this weight. Maybe people will read this, maybe they wont, who knows, but I hope that if you do find yourself reading this, and suffer from any of the issues I talk about, I hope you find support and comfort, knowing that you're not alone. And, I hope that you too can get to a place in your mind that you deserve to be. I'm still stumbling around looking for it, and sometimes the faith that I will find it is waning, but one day, I too will make it.
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