Better Late Than Never I Guess

I apologize in the long lapse between posts. I guess I just haven't had anything I felt was worthy of writing.I mean overall, it's not like I've done anything interesting this month (although there was something recently I feel I should write about)

Horrible weather has somewhat drawn the running to a halt. We've had a couple weeks filled with rain and storms, so I need to get back on that horse (i wish I could mean that literally right now) and start it back up. Right now the weather has went from being rainy and almost cold to nearly hotter than the devil's backside, so I think it'll be best if I start going back out at night, for a while there, I was trying to run during the day because it seemed as if that was when I could get it in before it decided to rain.

Dad finally got around to putting the new seat on the hand-me-down bike that he decided I could use, so I'm planning on doing some biking to and from work, and just riding around overall, so that I can get out of the house a bit more, which was my initial plan if I was to get hired at the YMCA, but that didn't quite pan out ("Due to an overwhelming number of applicants and a limited number of positions we are unable to offer you a position at this time" or in other words, yeah you failed). I also didn't get the other positions I applied for at a different job, so I'm back to square one. My parents are trying to push me to apply at a local call centre, but I REALLY, REALLY don't want to be chained to a job where I have to sit on my ass and talk to American's all day (not that all American's are bad, some of my best friends are American, but around here they definitely do not have a good image). I have a few ideas of where I want to try to apply right now, but here's hoping.

With the above stuff about jobs, needless to say Dad and I haven't been on great terms recently. He's said some really shitty things throughout the month in regards to my weight, and been pushing me stupidly hard about getting another job, which I feel is unjustified (how much he's on my case that is), because it's not like I don't currently have a job. I am working, just my managers available hours mean I don't get a ton of hours a week. I have mixed feelings on a comment he made to my mother as well. I had hurt my shoulder at the beginning of the month at work. I was mopping and and bashed my shoulder on the corner of a paper towel dispenser and it cut it down through my shirt. I had showed him it the night or the day after it happened, but I guess the other day he was asking my mom if I was cutting myself. Now, I do have a history of self-harm (it generally goes hand in hand with eating disorders), but I can gladly say that as far as I can remember, I've been clean of that for about 6-8 months (longest track record so far). But really, its in an awkward spot that would be just too much effort for me to hurt myself there, nor would I be wandering around in tank tops for him to see. I get that he's concerned and what not, which is why I'm not sure if I should be angry with him or just shrug it off.

I've also been having issues with the eating disorder recently. I don't know why, and need to find this trigger, although it's been suggested that its just changes and what not. I think it's partially due to the increased friction between Dad and I, but that might just be because I know that in the past the behaviours were definitely triggered by conflict between him and I. When I was actually in therapy for it, she wanted to have him come in and be part of the process. I wouldn't allow it. I was terrified to have him hear what went on in my mind, and I felt that it would just cause more problems outside of the office... oh and he didn't want anything to do with it regardless. He refused to even step foot in the building to sit in the waiting room with me.
Anyways, I haven't really been caught up in a binge/purge cycle, rather its been more of a I'll eat breakfast, lunch or dinner than suddenly have intense feelings of guilt over the mere fact that I ate, and I'll go, drink a ton of water and then purge it up. And instead of just purging enough to feel less guilty, it's been until I'm tasting bile. It's not every meal, but generally once a day. Another goal for the next week or so is to break this cycle, and get back to an even keel. I'll get there, I think I just have to increase my physical activity and get the negative energy out in a positive manner.

But now to the good stuff. I spent the long weekend in Toronto with Madeleine and some other fantastic friends. We celebrated her birthday and just had a great time. I headed there on Saturday, and can gladly say that I navigated the TTC all on my own, with only needing to ask her if I was supposed to take a northbound or southbound train. That night we went out clubbing, and I managed to actually attract attention from a couple different guys that night. This is relatively new to me overall. I mean had that guy at the bars on my birthday, but that had been the first time for me. This time I had one guy that was definitely interested in me, we danced, but things got a bit weird when he seemed overly focused on getting my hand to touch his dick, and then pretty much wanted to dry hump me on the dance floor. I excused myself with the help of my ladies, but he kept following me around. It got to the point that we needed to get security to kick him out. I can't help but to think that to some degree I did something to provoke that behaviour and that I brought it on myself, even though I KNOW that it's not totally my fault.

The other guy fell in line after the previously mentioned one had started to creep me out, so I just wasn't receptive to it at that point in time. In hindsight though, even though the one turned out to be creepy, they're both confidence boosts. I do however wonder though if I attracted the weirdo because I looked as if I was lacking self-esteem or something (which really I do, but I was feeling rather confident and don't think I was coming across as insecure or closed off).

The next day we shopped, and saw Letters To Juliet, which was a fantastic movie and well worth the money, especially considering TO movie prices are a good $5.50 more expensive than when I'm at home (it's $7.50 where I am and was $12.99 in TO). It did bring up some painful memories of a couple of guys I've had experience with, but it was great to get to talk about it, and finally share some of the more painful experiences with Madeleine in a great girls night with a romantic comedy, ice cream and tears/truthful thoughts and feelings.

Whew, well this has been quite the novel, and I apologize for that. But for the couple of you who read this, I hope you like the update, and I'll try to write more often again, even if I don't have anything spectacular going on in my life.

Running Log and Inspiration

Running has been going well enough I would say. I mean right now its just a baby step, and by that I mean I go out for a total of 24 (yes 24) minutes. Walk at a good pace for 5 mins, than run for a 1 min than repeat 4 times. I've been able to push a some of my running bursts up to just about 2 minutes. Next week the goal is walk for 4 mins and run for 2 mins than repeat 4x. I had to take yesterday off though, the weather was cruddy. I would have ran in the rain, but it stormed for a good portion of the day, and I'm a chicken when it comes to being outside during storms. When I worked out at the barns, I wouldn't leave the barn if I was out there during a storm.

Random note, I was dancing around in the kitchen today, once my parents went to bed, and I am happy to say that my pirouettes are way better than they have been in a while. I think I was pulling up and getting under myself better, and the engagement of my muscles to help create the rotation was far better than I can remember. I guess I just needed a bit of time off to come back to it and notice an improvement. I really miss my dance classes right about now. I'm trying to keep up with some of my skills when I can, but for the most part I'm losing some of my ability.

Anyways, please forgive me I have yet to figure out how to embedd youtube videos on here, but I want to share this video with you guys. I had got it from another blog I follow: A Fat Girl & A Fat Horse its by Joy Nash and it is totally uplifting.



(Look I figured it out!!)

I'm no where near condoning obesity, but the overall message of this video is uplifting. It seems backed up by facts and in general she's promoting the message to accept yourself, and to be the change you want to be in the world. If all "Fat People" gain the self confidence and change how we view ourselves, we an change the "fat hate" we see in society today. It's actually kind of funny when you think about it, as obesity rates grown fat hate is growing as well, or at least I perceive it as growing. I think Joy Nash says it quite well in her third installment of the fat rant "Fat Hate is one of the only forms of prejudice where the people who are subjected to it feel like they're getting exactly what they deserve". Perhaps its the monster that hides in my mind, but I know that when I hear a negative comment made about my weight, I feel like I deserve it. People need to learn that we are fully aware of our bodies, and that we don't have that sleek, think ideal of the media. We don't need their comments and nasty words reinforcing it to us. We're human beings too and deserve to be treated with just as much respect as our tiny counterparts.

This is overall inspiring, to do myself better. Everyone tells me I need to learn to love myself, and its true. I remember attending an event that Madeleine and her staff team ran, it involved healthy active living and self esteem components. I cried when I was in that room. They asked us to answer questions like "The favourite part of my body" "Something we're thankful our bodies let us do". The sheer thought of looking at my body in any sort of positive light is what brought tears to my eyes - the realization that it felt almost impossible to do because my vision of myself is so clouded by years of sickness and ridicule. And aside from the actual physical weight, that is one thing I want to change. I want to be able to look at myself and realize that yeah I may have some work to do, but I'm perfect, and beautiful just the way I am. That battle is going to be long and hard fought, potentially involving some serious neuro-reconstruction (thank goodness for neural plasticity. But I will, eventually win that battle, and see myself in the light that I should be. I pledge that to myself.

Lets Try Something New

Sooooo being that tomorrow (err well Today) is Monday, it means that its the perfect time to try to get into a new routine. I've been trying to figure out something cost effective to try to do while at home in attempts to keep up with the exercise I was doing while I was still away at school. I'm thinking that tomorrow I'm going to start attempting to jog. I'm going to follow the Weight Watchers routine to get to be a 10:1 runner, so we'll see. I'm still kind of leery to be out and running, afraid of peoples words and such but hey we'll give it a go.

I finally finished one of the books I was attempting to finish. Now my mom's taken it, suddenly interested in it. I'm not sure if it's really her sort of book but hey she'll read just about anything at least until she's gotten far enough to realize that she doesn't enjoy it. I started reading the His Dark Materials triology by Philip Pullman. I had gotten half way through the Golden Compass years ago, but never finished it. So I want to read the entire trilogy this summer.

Tomorrow mom, my brother and I are going to see my step-grandmother. Since I was old enough to understand that she was my grandfathers second wife, I've never been quite sure how to refer to her when talking to other people. I mean we called her Grandma, but it's still one of those slightly awkward sort of things to bring up. Anyways, we haven't seen her since my grandfather passed away back when I was in High School, pretty much because my dad cut her out of his life once his dad died. I don't quite like feeling as if we're going behind his back, but I understand why mom is having us go to see her.

Am still waiting to hear back from the YMCA to see if I got hired or not, and am going to follow up with a couple places this week, as well as going to look into getting some driving lessons so that perhaps I can actually pass my G2 this year. I'm still bitter over failing the first time, even though I know that most people fail their first time out. Oh well, shit happens I guess.

Anyways off to bed with me, so I can be ready to try to start thing whole running deal :)

Coming Down Off The High

So at this point in time, I'm finally having the always on the go feeling of being busy with academic life finally starting to fade. It's a great feeling, I mean not feeling like I'm running on a constant deadline and that I'm struggling to keep my head above the water. I managed to finish the semester off with a 79.7% average. It's a great average but the perfectionist in me is kicking myself for not nailing that extra .3% to get the 80% and achieve our Dean's Honours List standing again. I mean, at this point mark's are important, and I'm worrying about not being able to qualify for Grad school.

I struggled with a 'bulimic' day today. Binge eating and purging. Not my idea of a perfect day, I hate the feelings associated with it, but one day isn't the end of the world, and tomorrow will be a new day to pick up and right the wrongs that I made today. I generally have days like this when I'm readjusting to being back home. So Christmas and Summer are prime time to see come and go days. This is the first time in the week I've been home, so I'm hoping that this will be one of the only ones I have. On Monday, I plan on getting a bit bold, and starting a jogging regime. I had bought a Weight Watchers Magazine and they have a great schedule set out to have you running 20 minutes straight a day in 8 weeks. I'm planning on making that a goal for the summer. I'm absolutely terrified. I've tried to run a few times and had people make some rather inappropriate comments. Unfortunately I really cling onto words, so I'm thinking I'll just have to plug in my ipod or cellphone and just ignore them.

I also need to get my G2 this summer. I tried last summer but failed. I'm adding that onto my list of things I need to do this coming week - go into our drivers ed place and see what it'd cost to take some in car lessons to brush up on my skills to try again. I also have to work on my novel some more this summer, maybe, hopefully finish it (I doubt it though... its sat untouched for a few years now at 99 pages). The thing with it though, is that I started writing it for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) back when I was at the height of my illness, so now that I'm 100x better than I was back there, it's hard to pick it back up. But, I've put so much work into it I HAVE to finish it eventually, especially because I know exactly where I want to go with it.

I want to dance and/or ride as well, but we'll have to see. That's going to come down to a money and time game. I'm still waiting to hear back from the YMCA or the other 2 jobs I applied for, to see if I'm going to have more than just KFC on my list of duties for the summer. I have a couple different places to ride at in mind, and need to get a better look at what's out there for dance.

Lastly, I want to get back in touch with my artistic side. I do a lot of work on photoshop, doing photo manipulations for a few horse related games that I play. Here are some examples of more recentish stuff












Most of these were made to be layouts for the game. Basically most of these are taking different images, the backgrounds, the horses, different fonts and brushes and putting them together to make different creates. Although they may be hard to see in the small forms, all the components of the pictures are credited on them. So the manipulations are mine but the individual component photos, with the exception of the photo for the Big Riders Association one and the drawing in The American Saddlebred Association, don't belong to me.