Monday, February 14, 2011
Fuck Valentines Day
Enough said. I'm tired of seeing couples around. I'm tired of the consumerism. I'm tired of being alone. I hate cheerfully returning the "Happy Valentines Day" greeting to people in person and online. Sorry... just had to get that out there. I'm tired of spending Valentine's alone and feeling like a loser. When will it be my turn?
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Running Through My Head
So, school's starting to pick up and as much as I hate the pressure associated with studying for midterms, work and trying to keep up with the day to day school work, I can say that I'm glad to have this procrastination monster finally off of my back. I'm finally feeling like I'm actually being productive, even though I'm currently feeling like I'm thinking.
I've been totally bitchy today. The world could fuck off as far as I'm concerned. I have far better things to do than sit there and listen to a professor talk about an assignment with people asking questions that they could find the answer to in the course outline and people were just getting on my nerves. I tend to be super irritated by the time my Tuesdays are over though. I spend the day going from class, to office hours, to class, to dinner, to class. I have 5 hours of class and two hours of office hours. I'm out of the house from 11am until about 9:30pm. I know I'm just being whiney, but I'm beat by the time I come home. You can only take in so much new information before your brain feels like its melting.
Right now I'm working on the stupidest midterm I've ever encountered. I'm taking an online course, and our midterm consists of a discussion. That's right. On the discussion forums, we need to have a conversation through lengthy posts regarding a topic. We're being marked on the first 5 posts we make. I hate it. It's too subjective and even though she says we wont be penalized for group inactivity, i still find it insanely frustrating. Oh well, I'll get er done. Im just really off put by it.
I've been battling with my mind and the scale, you know the usual. I did take a bit of a step, and moved the scale out of my room. I was getting back to the point I was weighing myself too many times a day. Often times 3+ times a day. Now it sits in the shower room (we have a split bathroom, shower in one room, toilet and sink in another), so that I can only use Mr. Scale when I'm getting ready to have a shower. It's partially also because the room is right next to Ellen's and she can hear when someone's in there. I'm still managing to sneak in an extra time on it some days, but for the most part it's still acting as a bit of "out of sight out of mind" type of thing. I saw my body weight spike the other day, and it's triggered a cascading reaction. I actually had a somewhat new experience (I'm sure I had a similar experience back in high school but I cannot for the life of me recall a specific time/event) the other day. I was having a panic attack, which isn't exactly anything new, I get mini panic attacks occasionally, usually around stressful times,etc. This time though, it went away as soon as I purged. Which leads me to believe that it was due to something I ate or drank that just tipped the scales a bit too much. That's something else I've noticed. The "procrastination monster" I mentioned earlier has been present while my minds been obsessing. So I'm thinking I need to take a step back, take a day (or as much of a day as I can) and re-evaluate whats going on, re-prioritize and move on with my life. I've got 2 more semester left of my undergrad, I cant fuck it up academically now!
Things haven't all been bad though. A few friends convinced me to go out with them this past Saturday and I had a blast. It started with 4 beers in 45mins-1hour. It was fast enough people commented on it, haha. Then we moved it to downtown. Started in a bar that I would have loved had it not been "first year crowded". We joked that we saw Edward Cullen and Polly D in the same place. Eventually we left and went to our normal go-to place which recently had bee playing some really crappy music, which hadn't helped with the whole "good time out" the past couple of times I had gone there. This time however, they were playing a great mix of music. Within about 15 mins on the dance floor I suddenly had a guy behind me dancing, but unforunately he was gross. I hate to turn anyone down because well...I seldom get attention, but I do still have my own standards. He was a bit persistent but after some help from one of my friends Boyfriends, I was free from him. Later on in the night when a couple of us went up for another round of drinks, I managed to have a guy come up and talk to me, who I eventually pursuaded to come out to the dance floor... and later on in the evening got his number! Him and I texted back and forth for a bit the following day, and then he stopped responding. No big deal though. Its not actually a big deal if he's not interested. For me, it as more the act of having the courage to 1. Ask him to dance and then 2. ask him for his number. I'm hoping that next time I go out, that courage will translate over. It's hard to say because my self esteem and self image are so variable, but hey, its another thing that helps in the long run!
Anyways, I also wanted to share this song... it's one that's been on near constant repeat when I've been at my computer. I absolutely love it.... I've said I should adopt it as my anthem. I freaking love Pink. She sings about so many of the issues that effect me. I give her kudos for having the courage to tackle them in her music.
I've been totally bitchy today. The world could fuck off as far as I'm concerned. I have far better things to do than sit there and listen to a professor talk about an assignment with people asking questions that they could find the answer to in the course outline and people were just getting on my nerves. I tend to be super irritated by the time my Tuesdays are over though. I spend the day going from class, to office hours, to class, to dinner, to class. I have 5 hours of class and two hours of office hours. I'm out of the house from 11am until about 9:30pm. I know I'm just being whiney, but I'm beat by the time I come home. You can only take in so much new information before your brain feels like its melting.
Right now I'm working on the stupidest midterm I've ever encountered. I'm taking an online course, and our midterm consists of a discussion. That's right. On the discussion forums, we need to have a conversation through lengthy posts regarding a topic. We're being marked on the first 5 posts we make. I hate it. It's too subjective and even though she says we wont be penalized for group inactivity, i still find it insanely frustrating. Oh well, I'll get er done. Im just really off put by it.
I've been battling with my mind and the scale, you know the usual. I did take a bit of a step, and moved the scale out of my room. I was getting back to the point I was weighing myself too many times a day. Often times 3+ times a day. Now it sits in the shower room (we have a split bathroom, shower in one room, toilet and sink in another), so that I can only use Mr. Scale when I'm getting ready to have a shower. It's partially also because the room is right next to Ellen's and she can hear when someone's in there. I'm still managing to sneak in an extra time on it some days, but for the most part it's still acting as a bit of "out of sight out of mind" type of thing. I saw my body weight spike the other day, and it's triggered a cascading reaction. I actually had a somewhat new experience (I'm sure I had a similar experience back in high school but I cannot for the life of me recall a specific time/event) the other day. I was having a panic attack, which isn't exactly anything new, I get mini panic attacks occasionally, usually around stressful times,etc. This time though, it went away as soon as I purged. Which leads me to believe that it was due to something I ate or drank that just tipped the scales a bit too much. That's something else I've noticed. The "procrastination monster" I mentioned earlier has been present while my minds been obsessing. So I'm thinking I need to take a step back, take a day (or as much of a day as I can) and re-evaluate whats going on, re-prioritize and move on with my life. I've got 2 more semester left of my undergrad, I cant fuck it up academically now!
Things haven't all been bad though. A few friends convinced me to go out with them this past Saturday and I had a blast. It started with 4 beers in 45mins-1hour. It was fast enough people commented on it, haha. Then we moved it to downtown. Started in a bar that I would have loved had it not been "first year crowded". We joked that we saw Edward Cullen and Polly D in the same place. Eventually we left and went to our normal go-to place which recently had bee playing some really crappy music, which hadn't helped with the whole "good time out" the past couple of times I had gone there. This time however, they were playing a great mix of music. Within about 15 mins on the dance floor I suddenly had a guy behind me dancing, but unforunately he was gross. I hate to turn anyone down because well...I seldom get attention, but I do still have my own standards. He was a bit persistent but after some help from one of my friends Boyfriends, I was free from him. Later on in the night when a couple of us went up for another round of drinks, I managed to have a guy come up and talk to me, who I eventually pursuaded to come out to the dance floor... and later on in the evening got his number! Him and I texted back and forth for a bit the following day, and then he stopped responding. No big deal though. Its not actually a big deal if he's not interested. For me, it as more the act of having the courage to 1. Ask him to dance and then 2. ask him for his number. I'm hoping that next time I go out, that courage will translate over. It's hard to say because my self esteem and self image are so variable, but hey, its another thing that helps in the long run!
Anyways, I also wanted to share this song... it's one that's been on near constant repeat when I've been at my computer. I absolutely love it.... I've said I should adopt it as my anthem. I freaking love Pink. She sings about so many of the issues that effect me. I give her kudos for having the courage to tackle them in her music.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Snow Globe
I haven't written creatively in ages. I guess I just haven't felt anything intensely enough to actually be compelled to write. Which is weird. This piece is more or less me rambling, through a somewhat intoxicated mind. Regardless, I forgot how therapeutic it can be some times. But... here goes. It's definitely not my best work ever, but hey it got what I was feeling out... and that's all that matters right?
Snow Globe
My mind feels like a snow globe,
Pieces of my life swirling around.
I cannot make sense of them, and therefore,
Cannot make sense of myself.
I’m stupid and I’m ugly,
And even though I may try,
I still fail miserably , at trying not to cry.
I feel so intensely,
Everything just needs to slow down, down and down.
I’m tired of the pressure,
Coming from everywhere I turn.
4th year. Graduate. Single. Succeed.
Beautiful. Skinny. De-flowered. Work.
Just to name a few.
I often feel like I’m lagging,
That I’m running out of time.
I’m tired of the same routine,
Dancing like a piece of meat, only to be passed by.
Drowning to the same old hip hop song, looking at the same old crowd.
Deserving of the title wallflower,
Feeling destined to be alone.
I’m sick of hearing talk of obesity
As if the world is throwing it in my face,
I feel trapped in my own body, without an escape,
As I’m sabatoged once more.
I need the time, to get a head, to beat this,
Exercise game.
I cringe when friends say I’m beautiful,
Knowing that my eyes, they lie,
As every time I view the mirror, all I see is flaws.
I’m getting tired of the struggle and,
I crave normalcy.
I hate feeling like a killjoy,
And I know I’m awkward socially,
The bar is like being put on stage,
When you have stage fright.
You want to have fun, but often times you,
Quiver in fear.
Will I be noticed? Do I dance well enough?
Did I wear enough make-up? Do I look hot enough?
But what is "enough"?
My mind feels like a snow globe,
These are my thoughts drifting down.
Snow Globe
My mind feels like a snow globe,
Pieces of my life swirling around.
I cannot make sense of them, and therefore,
Cannot make sense of myself.
I’m stupid and I’m ugly,
And even though I may try,
I still fail miserably , at trying not to cry.
I feel so intensely,
Everything just needs to slow down, down and down.
I’m tired of the pressure,
Coming from everywhere I turn.
4th year. Graduate. Single. Succeed.
Beautiful. Skinny. De-flowered. Work.
Just to name a few.
I often feel like I’m lagging,
That I’m running out of time.
I’m tired of the same routine,
Dancing like a piece of meat, only to be passed by.
Drowning to the same old hip hop song, looking at the same old crowd.
Deserving of the title wallflower,
Feeling destined to be alone.
I’m sick of hearing talk of obesity
As if the world is throwing it in my face,
I feel trapped in my own body, without an escape,
As I’m sabatoged once more.
I need the time, to get a head, to beat this,
Exercise game.
I cringe when friends say I’m beautiful,
Knowing that my eyes, they lie,
As every time I view the mirror, all I see is flaws.
I’m getting tired of the struggle and,
I crave normalcy.
I hate feeling like a killjoy,
And I know I’m awkward socially,
The bar is like being put on stage,
When you have stage fright.
You want to have fun, but often times you,
Quiver in fear.
Will I be noticed? Do I dance well enough?
Did I wear enough make-up? Do I look hot enough?
But what is "enough"?
My mind feels like a snow globe,
These are my thoughts drifting down.
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