Torn Apart At The Seams

Okay, I know another really, really long gap between posts. Training was busy, and kept me on my toes, which left time for writing and catching up scarce. There's a whole lot thats happened, and much of it has me feeling really, super low tonight. I'm sure the little bit of alcohol I have in my system (literally not a lot though, 2 coolers and 1 glass of beer). I should probably be in bed right now, but I don't think I could sleep before I have this junk written down. Although, I'm not quite sure where I would like to start. I could start with the fact that I had an absolutely terrible night out today, and its now almost 3 am the night before I start classes, or I could back track and talk about the movies last night which led to utter shame and embarassment.... but perhaps talking about things from the start of training is the best place to start.

So I guess I'll start with the boy. And fair warning this will sound malodramatic and stupid, but believe me I feel utterly idiotic at the moment about the entire situation. I try not to use names on here, so he will remain nameless, and I think that overall the situation warrants that respect. But anyways. Upon arriving at training for the start of the semester I found myself crushing upon one of my team mates. He's smart, and we have things in common, and listens to you when you're talking and seems to generally just get along with everyone. I also thought that physically he was also attractive. As training went on my attraction grew, and there were a few moments of some signals that felt as if he might actually be interested in me. To test this theory, I had asked him to a movie with one of my friends too, and he agreed. And then came after training Banquet... lets just say that in the midst of my intoxicated state, I let my boundaries disappear and I kissed him, albeit on the cheek. Cut to movie day. So we meet to go to the show and we're on the bus talking about numerous things, and I again apologize for my behaviour Thursday evening, thinking that he remembered that I kissed him.... needless to say he didnt and was taken quite a back by it. He states that he's confused as to why I would have done such a thing. Now this leads to the awkward conversation I was really trying to avoid having at that point in time. So I basically say "well why do you think?" and he said he thought so. I suggested that we talk about it after the movies and he agrees. After the movie he asks to talk to me alone as we're getting off the bus. I have to say when it came to this he was absolutely sweet about the conversation. Basically in the most knightly manner possible he gently tells me that he's not interested, and that he figures that at some point there were some mixed signals sent and that he was very sorry if there were, an that he wasn't trying to lead me on. He says that he's glad we could talk about it like adults, and that friendship is an option. I had a lot to say to him, too much to post on here really. But now overall, I mean I'm cool with the fact that he doesn't think of me in that way, I mean I've been saying for quite some time now that I really didn't think that he liked me back in the same way that I like him. And I'm totally content just being friends, but really I'm embarrassed about how I had behaved leading up to the situation and I'm afraid that although he's cool with being 'just friends' ( or so he says he is) i'm terrified that he will be super awkward from there on in. Everyone keeps telling me that it doesn't matter, and as long as I don't act shaken by it, he wont have the same sort of reaction. That is something I do find hard to believe though. I feel like I fucked up and there's absolutely no question about it and nothing I can say or do will make any sort of difference. Overall, I just feel numb and confused and other somewhat scary emotions like anxiety. So once again, I fail in the love department, something that I know far to well and have just learned to expect to happen. Right now I'm feeling like I'm going to be ending up totally alone for the rest of all times.

This whole situation was made worse while we were out for another staff members birthday and certain people who were out there were trying to encourage me to text said boy and ask him to join us down town can you say awkward?

.:UPDATE:. (this post was started a couple of days ago so I do have a bit of an update) I spoke to him for the first time since our discussion after the movies last night, and I am happy to say things weren't nearly as awkward as I was afraid they would be, we seemed to fall right back into step with each other and that's exactly what I was hoping for after the above mentioned situation.

Anyways, going with what I think I was getting at before... There has been some drama with my parents in regards to employment, making school and money a bit of a worry this year. Dad was laid off again, officially on the day I had to move back up to school, and Mom is facing a bit of a job change, one that will result in a pay cut. What's making it hard on me, is that her and my father are at odds over her decisions, but he doesn't know the full story as to why it is happening, as Mom refuses to tell him, or my brother, so I'm the only one that knows what's really happening. Basically I'm getting shit on from both ends because Dad's complaining to me about Mom and her decision, that I can't say anything about, and then I'm listening to her complain about my Dad being upset with her, and when I tell her that she just needs to tell him the truth she comes up with every excuse managable to NOT tell him. So I'm about ready to throw in the towel on this one and say that I really just don't give a fuck anymore. I mean I really do, they're helping to pay for school so money is important, but I'm just about ready to give up playing the middle man, I'm thoroughly sick of it.

Classes have started again, and they all seem pretty neat, well out of the ones I've already sat through. I have to say the 2 courses I'm the most excited for are my Human Sexuality course and my one Clinical Psychology course. One of them deals with sex, sex and more sex and the other one involves a bit of field type placements going into local schools to deliver programs relating to whatever the topic of focus for that semesters course is. I'm really excited to be getting some hands on experience now. And well for the Human Sexuality course, I think it's just going to be a blast to go to, and I think the text book will be a ton of fun to read too, which will be a well welcomed change from all the other junk I have to read on a regular basis. Right now I've been trying to read for my Cross-Cultural Psychology course, and the textbook is sooooo dry. Oh! Random thought. Can anyone tell me why all psychology textbooks ALWAYS have to have the second chapter devoted to nothing but research methods? I mean by 3rd and 4th year we shouldn't have to be reading all of that junk unless its completely off the wall from anything else we've already learned? There's only so many times you can read things like "this is what a hypothesis is" "this is what a variable is" "these are the different types of experiments and different types of statistics"... I've been taking 4 years of the same junk, and have had at least 4 other courses on nothing but research methods and stats.

The house mates are all moved in. I'm glad to have my friend here, but my opinions on the other two house mates are still yet to be developed. I haven't gotten to see them enough to fully get a feel for them. The only thing so far I wish could be different, is that the one would have waited a week or two of having the entire house together before bringing the boyfriend over for the weekend. I mean they're all nice enough and what not, but I'm shy and too many new people for me at once generally doesnt end very well because I just can't seem to open up. I'm getting better with the other housemate so far and the other one I just dont see enough that it makes it hard to full get a grasp of her.

Anyways, I've been on a bit of a 8am schedule recently, so being up at 1am is actually rendering me exhausted at the moment. The song that was running through my head when I had initially started writing this post was "All These Things I Hate (Revolve Around Me) by Bullet For My Valentine" so, have a listen while you read!

Can You Save Yourself?

So now that I'm back to school and back to training, I suppose I should start this thing back up. At least I'll now have new and potentially exciting information I can add, considering that life here changes on a day to day basis. Leading up to coming back there had been some interesting bits that happened, could have made for a couple interesting entries, but I guess I could always just talk a bout them now.

First of all, I managed to FINALLY get my G2. I've always been a bit nervous behind the wheel of a vehicle, so I was a rather late bloomer in getting to this stage. I'm 22 now and just got my G2... but on the plus side it now gave me 5 years to do my G test. So I'll have plenty of time to get ready and comfortable for that milestone when it comes.

I took a weekend at the start of August to go visit Madeleine and another friend up where we go to school and had a couple interesting experiences I guess you could say. I'm not used to being the first one to get any attention from the opposite sex, but at the first bar we went to, I had a guy actually come and pick me off the side of the bar where we were sitting, and bring me out to the dance floor. Nothing major happened with it, but overall it was a nice experience. Later on when we had switched locations, there was some good and bad parts to that location. There was a particular boy whom I was somewhat interested in, who ended up being far more interested in one of my two friends than me. Needless to say, that was a little bit of a blow, but it wasn't her fault as she had no idea that I was interested in him. Teaches me a lesson if anything... maybe speak up sooner? But regardless it wouldn't have stopped his actions. So after taking a break to try to calm down a bit, another random boy comes and sits down with me and my other friend, and makes some random conversation with me. I talk for a bit, and it leads to him saying the following "Okay, I just want to know three things. 1. What's your agenda? 2. What are some of your interests? 3. What do I need to do to get you to bed tonight?" at this point I almost didn't know what to say. Ended up telling him that I didn't really have an agenda for the night, listed some interests and told him I wasn't that easy to get to bed.... after which he proceeded to tell me that he never said I was easy. Lets just say that shortly after he left and went to probably pull the same line on another girl somewhere else in the bar. Now if only I was into drunken one night stands, that could have been a bit of fun.. but really, I'm by no means that type of girl.

In other news, I had put myself in a pretty vulnerable position just before returning to campus. While I was cleaning and packing my things for the move, I came across a couple of my old journals. All I can say is that they're...scary... to go back and read... enough so that they had to come with me in fear of my parents finding them if by chance they decided to once again rearrange my room. They're totally filled with confusion, calorie counts, meal plans, insults to myself, self hatred and self distortion. Enough so that the strong emotions really, really triggered me, putting me on the brink of falling back into some sort of pattern, especially with the stress of the move an my vulnerability to stress when it comes to my eating disordered behaviours. It's still carrying over a bit, but nothing that, at this point, I'm overly worried about... Training provides us with a ton of food, something in which I'm trying to control what I'm eating (but in all honesty I failed miserably, and have been trying to not think of all the potential calories I ate..... because I have a rough estimate in my head and believe me its not a pretty number). I'm also going nuts not exercising now that I'm actually back on campus. I mean it's not like I'm being totally sedentary. We have 12 hour days and they do consist of a lot of transit time between session locations. Now if the pedometer in my phone is at least somewhat correct, on Monday I took 14105 steps, for a total of 10.9km and apparently 1023 cals (but I doubt the calorie total... the phone is not caliberated for that sort of thing in my opinion) and today had 14088 steps and says 11.2km... which is why I'm not sure about the accuracy of it all... but I think the steps are atleast a reasonable judge... and I mean they say you should take 10,000 steps a day, so right now this is a good thing.

I have been weighing myself at least twice a day for far too long now. And am doing it even more so now that I'm here and don't yet have any housemates in with me. I have to stop that though... specially because it drives me nuts if it says I've gained weight (such as today) even though I know that if I want to weigh myself on a daily basis it should only be in the morning, because food and fluid only makes you "gain" throughout the day. I might actually start keeping a food journal again though, not to count calories (or try not to anyways) but to at least get an idea of where I need to tweak my eating habits. It might not be as bad once trainings done though, because once training is done I'm back to making my own food, and my goal is to lose weight with this endeavour... just how I get there isn't set in stone. I'm hoping to try to eat more vegetarian now, again to cut out as much red meat as I possibly can, and to exercise 3x a week. I do still need to get my meeting and office hour schedules but it'll work.

Speaking of gym, I have to say that I'm absolutely PISSED that they upped the prices of my dance classes. They went from $42 to $60. I have no idea if I can even consider affording them at this point. Especially if I want to do ballet... but even ballet is up in the air, not because I can't afford it (I had initially budgeted for it, because my normal instructor isn't teaching the Hip Hop and Jazz classes, making me very nervous to take them now... although she might harm me if I don't take any of them) but because we might need to have 10:15pm meetings because of the icky 5:30 time slot the university decided to through classes into.

Anyways, thats a bit of an update...more to come as more unfolds. I'm hoping to write a whole bunch more now. Maybe it'll be a mid year resolution for me lol!

Current song playing in my head: Save Yourself by Sense Field

Bad,Bad Blog Owner

Ugh, I'm sorry for doing such a crappy job at posting guys. The same old, same old is going on here, so I don't have a whole lot to report. I've been working, and going out to see Boz when I can. Last week, I got into a riding accident, ended up with a sprained wrist, rope burns on my left hand, and a cut on my chin that they had to glue shut. The wrist is feeling a ton better at this point, the blisters on my hand have popped and are healing, and my face is still bruised and what not but hey, I'm just glad that as a rule I don't get on a horse without my helmet on. Basically, a bird dive bombed his head, and people outside of the arena put an auger up against it at the same time, and it caused him to freak. I got thrown to one side, was trying to hold on and rebalance than he dodged again to the point where I was too far off his side. I ended up landing on a metal gate for the most part. I had tried to grab for it to break the fall and avoid smacking my face dead on, so I mean in hind sight it could have been far worse of an outcome.

The bomb was dropped though, that his owner is selling him, as of this morning. I wish I had the $4,000 for him, and the continuing funds to keep him, and I'd buy him in a heartbeat. I know it's dumb because he's a horse but I'm heartbroken. In the span of the last four years I've lost about 8 horses that had a special place in my heart due to either death or sale. One of them was my own horse, whom I had to sell due to school, the others were horses at the barn I worked/rode at before it closed, and now Boz. I mean, that's the horse world but it doesn't make it any easier.

I start driving lessons this Friday, to hopefully get my g2 before I head back to school. As of right now I've been relying on my bike for all my transportation. I mean it's great exercise and has been an amazing energy release, it's been great for when I've been pissed off, or upset. Actually on the exercise note, according to my parents scale I'm down about 8lbs since I've been home from the summer. It's a bit less than a pound a week, but at the same time it's still some weight loss.

Dad's getting laid off again come August, so we're going to be back to struggling for everything we have, because my moms income is definitely not enough to fully support us, and unemployment is a kick in the teeth compared to what he makes when he's working. Such is life I guess, but I still feel bad for him.

Anyways, thats the quick update. Don't have much else to report on at the moment.

Better Late Than Never I Guess

I apologize in the long lapse between posts. I guess I just haven't had anything I felt was worthy of writing.I mean overall, it's not like I've done anything interesting this month (although there was something recently I feel I should write about)

Horrible weather has somewhat drawn the running to a halt. We've had a couple weeks filled with rain and storms, so I need to get back on that horse (i wish I could mean that literally right now) and start it back up. Right now the weather has went from being rainy and almost cold to nearly hotter than the devil's backside, so I think it'll be best if I start going back out at night, for a while there, I was trying to run during the day because it seemed as if that was when I could get it in before it decided to rain.

Dad finally got around to putting the new seat on the hand-me-down bike that he decided I could use, so I'm planning on doing some biking to and from work, and just riding around overall, so that I can get out of the house a bit more, which was my initial plan if I was to get hired at the YMCA, but that didn't quite pan out ("Due to an overwhelming number of applicants and a limited number of positions we are unable to offer you a position at this time" or in other words, yeah you failed). I also didn't get the other positions I applied for at a different job, so I'm back to square one. My parents are trying to push me to apply at a local call centre, but I REALLY, REALLY don't want to be chained to a job where I have to sit on my ass and talk to American's all day (not that all American's are bad, some of my best friends are American, but around here they definitely do not have a good image). I have a few ideas of where I want to try to apply right now, but here's hoping.

With the above stuff about jobs, needless to say Dad and I haven't been on great terms recently. He's said some really shitty things throughout the month in regards to my weight, and been pushing me stupidly hard about getting another job, which I feel is unjustified (how much he's on my case that is), because it's not like I don't currently have a job. I am working, just my managers available hours mean I don't get a ton of hours a week. I have mixed feelings on a comment he made to my mother as well. I had hurt my shoulder at the beginning of the month at work. I was mopping and and bashed my shoulder on the corner of a paper towel dispenser and it cut it down through my shirt. I had showed him it the night or the day after it happened, but I guess the other day he was asking my mom if I was cutting myself. Now, I do have a history of self-harm (it generally goes hand in hand with eating disorders), but I can gladly say that as far as I can remember, I've been clean of that for about 6-8 months (longest track record so far). But really, its in an awkward spot that would be just too much effort for me to hurt myself there, nor would I be wandering around in tank tops for him to see. I get that he's concerned and what not, which is why I'm not sure if I should be angry with him or just shrug it off.

I've also been having issues with the eating disorder recently. I don't know why, and need to find this trigger, although it's been suggested that its just changes and what not. I think it's partially due to the increased friction between Dad and I, but that might just be because I know that in the past the behaviours were definitely triggered by conflict between him and I. When I was actually in therapy for it, she wanted to have him come in and be part of the process. I wouldn't allow it. I was terrified to have him hear what went on in my mind, and I felt that it would just cause more problems outside of the office... oh and he didn't want anything to do with it regardless. He refused to even step foot in the building to sit in the waiting room with me.
Anyways, I haven't really been caught up in a binge/purge cycle, rather its been more of a I'll eat breakfast, lunch or dinner than suddenly have intense feelings of guilt over the mere fact that I ate, and I'll go, drink a ton of water and then purge it up. And instead of just purging enough to feel less guilty, it's been until I'm tasting bile. It's not every meal, but generally once a day. Another goal for the next week or so is to break this cycle, and get back to an even keel. I'll get there, I think I just have to increase my physical activity and get the negative energy out in a positive manner.

But now to the good stuff. I spent the long weekend in Toronto with Madeleine and some other fantastic friends. We celebrated her birthday and just had a great time. I headed there on Saturday, and can gladly say that I navigated the TTC all on my own, with only needing to ask her if I was supposed to take a northbound or southbound train. That night we went out clubbing, and I managed to actually attract attention from a couple different guys that night. This is relatively new to me overall. I mean had that guy at the bars on my birthday, but that had been the first time for me. This time I had one guy that was definitely interested in me, we danced, but things got a bit weird when he seemed overly focused on getting my hand to touch his dick, and then pretty much wanted to dry hump me on the dance floor. I excused myself with the help of my ladies, but he kept following me around. It got to the point that we needed to get security to kick him out. I can't help but to think that to some degree I did something to provoke that behaviour and that I brought it on myself, even though I KNOW that it's not totally my fault.

The other guy fell in line after the previously mentioned one had started to creep me out, so I just wasn't receptive to it at that point in time. In hindsight though, even though the one turned out to be creepy, they're both confidence boosts. I do however wonder though if I attracted the weirdo because I looked as if I was lacking self-esteem or something (which really I do, but I was feeling rather confident and don't think I was coming across as insecure or closed off).

The next day we shopped, and saw Letters To Juliet, which was a fantastic movie and well worth the money, especially considering TO movie prices are a good $5.50 more expensive than when I'm at home (it's $7.50 where I am and was $12.99 in TO). It did bring up some painful memories of a couple of guys I've had experience with, but it was great to get to talk about it, and finally share some of the more painful experiences with Madeleine in a great girls night with a romantic comedy, ice cream and tears/truthful thoughts and feelings.

Whew, well this has been quite the novel, and I apologize for that. But for the couple of you who read this, I hope you like the update, and I'll try to write more often again, even if I don't have anything spectacular going on in my life.

Running Log and Inspiration

Running has been going well enough I would say. I mean right now its just a baby step, and by that I mean I go out for a total of 24 (yes 24) minutes. Walk at a good pace for 5 mins, than run for a 1 min than repeat 4 times. I've been able to push a some of my running bursts up to just about 2 minutes. Next week the goal is walk for 4 mins and run for 2 mins than repeat 4x. I had to take yesterday off though, the weather was cruddy. I would have ran in the rain, but it stormed for a good portion of the day, and I'm a chicken when it comes to being outside during storms. When I worked out at the barns, I wouldn't leave the barn if I was out there during a storm.

Random note, I was dancing around in the kitchen today, once my parents went to bed, and I am happy to say that my pirouettes are way better than they have been in a while. I think I was pulling up and getting under myself better, and the engagement of my muscles to help create the rotation was far better than I can remember. I guess I just needed a bit of time off to come back to it and notice an improvement. I really miss my dance classes right about now. I'm trying to keep up with some of my skills when I can, but for the most part I'm losing some of my ability.

Anyways, please forgive me I have yet to figure out how to embedd youtube videos on here, but I want to share this video with you guys. I had got it from another blog I follow: A Fat Girl & A Fat Horse its by Joy Nash and it is totally uplifting.



(Look I figured it out!!)

I'm no where near condoning obesity, but the overall message of this video is uplifting. It seems backed up by facts and in general she's promoting the message to accept yourself, and to be the change you want to be in the world. If all "Fat People" gain the self confidence and change how we view ourselves, we an change the "fat hate" we see in society today. It's actually kind of funny when you think about it, as obesity rates grown fat hate is growing as well, or at least I perceive it as growing. I think Joy Nash says it quite well in her third installment of the fat rant "Fat Hate is one of the only forms of prejudice where the people who are subjected to it feel like they're getting exactly what they deserve". Perhaps its the monster that hides in my mind, but I know that when I hear a negative comment made about my weight, I feel like I deserve it. People need to learn that we are fully aware of our bodies, and that we don't have that sleek, think ideal of the media. We don't need their comments and nasty words reinforcing it to us. We're human beings too and deserve to be treated with just as much respect as our tiny counterparts.

This is overall inspiring, to do myself better. Everyone tells me I need to learn to love myself, and its true. I remember attending an event that Madeleine and her staff team ran, it involved healthy active living and self esteem components. I cried when I was in that room. They asked us to answer questions like "The favourite part of my body" "Something we're thankful our bodies let us do". The sheer thought of looking at my body in any sort of positive light is what brought tears to my eyes - the realization that it felt almost impossible to do because my vision of myself is so clouded by years of sickness and ridicule. And aside from the actual physical weight, that is one thing I want to change. I want to be able to look at myself and realize that yeah I may have some work to do, but I'm perfect, and beautiful just the way I am. That battle is going to be long and hard fought, potentially involving some serious neuro-reconstruction (thank goodness for neural plasticity. But I will, eventually win that battle, and see myself in the light that I should be. I pledge that to myself.

Lets Try Something New

Sooooo being that tomorrow (err well Today) is Monday, it means that its the perfect time to try to get into a new routine. I've been trying to figure out something cost effective to try to do while at home in attempts to keep up with the exercise I was doing while I was still away at school. I'm thinking that tomorrow I'm going to start attempting to jog. I'm going to follow the Weight Watchers routine to get to be a 10:1 runner, so we'll see. I'm still kind of leery to be out and running, afraid of peoples words and such but hey we'll give it a go.

I finally finished one of the books I was attempting to finish. Now my mom's taken it, suddenly interested in it. I'm not sure if it's really her sort of book but hey she'll read just about anything at least until she's gotten far enough to realize that she doesn't enjoy it. I started reading the His Dark Materials triology by Philip Pullman. I had gotten half way through the Golden Compass years ago, but never finished it. So I want to read the entire trilogy this summer.

Tomorrow mom, my brother and I are going to see my step-grandmother. Since I was old enough to understand that she was my grandfathers second wife, I've never been quite sure how to refer to her when talking to other people. I mean we called her Grandma, but it's still one of those slightly awkward sort of things to bring up. Anyways, we haven't seen her since my grandfather passed away back when I was in High School, pretty much because my dad cut her out of his life once his dad died. I don't quite like feeling as if we're going behind his back, but I understand why mom is having us go to see her.

Am still waiting to hear back from the YMCA to see if I got hired or not, and am going to follow up with a couple places this week, as well as going to look into getting some driving lessons so that perhaps I can actually pass my G2 this year. I'm still bitter over failing the first time, even though I know that most people fail their first time out. Oh well, shit happens I guess.

Anyways off to bed with me, so I can be ready to try to start thing whole running deal :)

Coming Down Off The High

So at this point in time, I'm finally having the always on the go feeling of being busy with academic life finally starting to fade. It's a great feeling, I mean not feeling like I'm running on a constant deadline and that I'm struggling to keep my head above the water. I managed to finish the semester off with a 79.7% average. It's a great average but the perfectionist in me is kicking myself for not nailing that extra .3% to get the 80% and achieve our Dean's Honours List standing again. I mean, at this point mark's are important, and I'm worrying about not being able to qualify for Grad school.

I struggled with a 'bulimic' day today. Binge eating and purging. Not my idea of a perfect day, I hate the feelings associated with it, but one day isn't the end of the world, and tomorrow will be a new day to pick up and right the wrongs that I made today. I generally have days like this when I'm readjusting to being back home. So Christmas and Summer are prime time to see come and go days. This is the first time in the week I've been home, so I'm hoping that this will be one of the only ones I have. On Monday, I plan on getting a bit bold, and starting a jogging regime. I had bought a Weight Watchers Magazine and they have a great schedule set out to have you running 20 minutes straight a day in 8 weeks. I'm planning on making that a goal for the summer. I'm absolutely terrified. I've tried to run a few times and had people make some rather inappropriate comments. Unfortunately I really cling onto words, so I'm thinking I'll just have to plug in my ipod or cellphone and just ignore them.

I also need to get my G2 this summer. I tried last summer but failed. I'm adding that onto my list of things I need to do this coming week - go into our drivers ed place and see what it'd cost to take some in car lessons to brush up on my skills to try again. I also have to work on my novel some more this summer, maybe, hopefully finish it (I doubt it though... its sat untouched for a few years now at 99 pages). The thing with it though, is that I started writing it for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) back when I was at the height of my illness, so now that I'm 100x better than I was back there, it's hard to pick it back up. But, I've put so much work into it I HAVE to finish it eventually, especially because I know exactly where I want to go with it.

I want to dance and/or ride as well, but we'll have to see. That's going to come down to a money and time game. I'm still waiting to hear back from the YMCA or the other 2 jobs I applied for, to see if I'm going to have more than just KFC on my list of duties for the summer. I have a couple different places to ride at in mind, and need to get a better look at what's out there for dance.

Lastly, I want to get back in touch with my artistic side. I do a lot of work on photoshop, doing photo manipulations for a few horse related games that I play. Here are some examples of more recentish stuff












Most of these were made to be layouts for the game. Basically most of these are taking different images, the backgrounds, the horses, different fonts and brushes and putting them together to make different creates. Although they may be hard to see in the small forms, all the components of the pictures are credited on them. So the manipulations are mine but the individual component photos, with the exception of the photo for the Big Riders Association one and the drawing in The American Saddlebred Association, don't belong to me.