Monday, February 14, 2011
Fuck Valentines Day
Enough said. I'm tired of seeing couples around. I'm tired of the consumerism. I'm tired of being alone. I hate cheerfully returning the "Happy Valentines Day" greeting to people in person and online. Sorry... just had to get that out there. I'm tired of spending Valentine's alone and feeling like a loser. When will it be my turn?
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Running Through My Head
So, school's starting to pick up and as much as I hate the pressure associated with studying for midterms, work and trying to keep up with the day to day school work, I can say that I'm glad to have this procrastination monster finally off of my back. I'm finally feeling like I'm actually being productive, even though I'm currently feeling like I'm thinking.
I've been totally bitchy today. The world could fuck off as far as I'm concerned. I have far better things to do than sit there and listen to a professor talk about an assignment with people asking questions that they could find the answer to in the course outline and people were just getting on my nerves. I tend to be super irritated by the time my Tuesdays are over though. I spend the day going from class, to office hours, to class, to dinner, to class. I have 5 hours of class and two hours of office hours. I'm out of the house from 11am until about 9:30pm. I know I'm just being whiney, but I'm beat by the time I come home. You can only take in so much new information before your brain feels like its melting.
Right now I'm working on the stupidest midterm I've ever encountered. I'm taking an online course, and our midterm consists of a discussion. That's right. On the discussion forums, we need to have a conversation through lengthy posts regarding a topic. We're being marked on the first 5 posts we make. I hate it. It's too subjective and even though she says we wont be penalized for group inactivity, i still find it insanely frustrating. Oh well, I'll get er done. Im just really off put by it.
I've been battling with my mind and the scale, you know the usual. I did take a bit of a step, and moved the scale out of my room. I was getting back to the point I was weighing myself too many times a day. Often times 3+ times a day. Now it sits in the shower room (we have a split bathroom, shower in one room, toilet and sink in another), so that I can only use Mr. Scale when I'm getting ready to have a shower. It's partially also because the room is right next to Ellen's and she can hear when someone's in there. I'm still managing to sneak in an extra time on it some days, but for the most part it's still acting as a bit of "out of sight out of mind" type of thing. I saw my body weight spike the other day, and it's triggered a cascading reaction. I actually had a somewhat new experience (I'm sure I had a similar experience back in high school but I cannot for the life of me recall a specific time/event) the other day. I was having a panic attack, which isn't exactly anything new, I get mini panic attacks occasionally, usually around stressful times,etc. This time though, it went away as soon as I purged. Which leads me to believe that it was due to something I ate or drank that just tipped the scales a bit too much. That's something else I've noticed. The "procrastination monster" I mentioned earlier has been present while my minds been obsessing. So I'm thinking I need to take a step back, take a day (or as much of a day as I can) and re-evaluate whats going on, re-prioritize and move on with my life. I've got 2 more semester left of my undergrad, I cant fuck it up academically now!
Things haven't all been bad though. A few friends convinced me to go out with them this past Saturday and I had a blast. It started with 4 beers in 45mins-1hour. It was fast enough people commented on it, haha. Then we moved it to downtown. Started in a bar that I would have loved had it not been "first year crowded". We joked that we saw Edward Cullen and Polly D in the same place. Eventually we left and went to our normal go-to place which recently had bee playing some really crappy music, which hadn't helped with the whole "good time out" the past couple of times I had gone there. This time however, they were playing a great mix of music. Within about 15 mins on the dance floor I suddenly had a guy behind me dancing, but unforunately he was gross. I hate to turn anyone down because well...I seldom get attention, but I do still have my own standards. He was a bit persistent but after some help from one of my friends Boyfriends, I was free from him. Later on in the night when a couple of us went up for another round of drinks, I managed to have a guy come up and talk to me, who I eventually pursuaded to come out to the dance floor... and later on in the evening got his number! Him and I texted back and forth for a bit the following day, and then he stopped responding. No big deal though. Its not actually a big deal if he's not interested. For me, it as more the act of having the courage to 1. Ask him to dance and then 2. ask him for his number. I'm hoping that next time I go out, that courage will translate over. It's hard to say because my self esteem and self image are so variable, but hey, its another thing that helps in the long run!
Anyways, I also wanted to share this song... it's one that's been on near constant repeat when I've been at my computer. I absolutely love it.... I've said I should adopt it as my anthem. I freaking love Pink. She sings about so many of the issues that effect me. I give her kudos for having the courage to tackle them in her music.
I've been totally bitchy today. The world could fuck off as far as I'm concerned. I have far better things to do than sit there and listen to a professor talk about an assignment with people asking questions that they could find the answer to in the course outline and people were just getting on my nerves. I tend to be super irritated by the time my Tuesdays are over though. I spend the day going from class, to office hours, to class, to dinner, to class. I have 5 hours of class and two hours of office hours. I'm out of the house from 11am until about 9:30pm. I know I'm just being whiney, but I'm beat by the time I come home. You can only take in so much new information before your brain feels like its melting.
Right now I'm working on the stupidest midterm I've ever encountered. I'm taking an online course, and our midterm consists of a discussion. That's right. On the discussion forums, we need to have a conversation through lengthy posts regarding a topic. We're being marked on the first 5 posts we make. I hate it. It's too subjective and even though she says we wont be penalized for group inactivity, i still find it insanely frustrating. Oh well, I'll get er done. Im just really off put by it.
I've been battling with my mind and the scale, you know the usual. I did take a bit of a step, and moved the scale out of my room. I was getting back to the point I was weighing myself too many times a day. Often times 3+ times a day. Now it sits in the shower room (we have a split bathroom, shower in one room, toilet and sink in another), so that I can only use Mr. Scale when I'm getting ready to have a shower. It's partially also because the room is right next to Ellen's and she can hear when someone's in there. I'm still managing to sneak in an extra time on it some days, but for the most part it's still acting as a bit of "out of sight out of mind" type of thing. I saw my body weight spike the other day, and it's triggered a cascading reaction. I actually had a somewhat new experience (I'm sure I had a similar experience back in high school but I cannot for the life of me recall a specific time/event) the other day. I was having a panic attack, which isn't exactly anything new, I get mini panic attacks occasionally, usually around stressful times,etc. This time though, it went away as soon as I purged. Which leads me to believe that it was due to something I ate or drank that just tipped the scales a bit too much. That's something else I've noticed. The "procrastination monster" I mentioned earlier has been present while my minds been obsessing. So I'm thinking I need to take a step back, take a day (or as much of a day as I can) and re-evaluate whats going on, re-prioritize and move on with my life. I've got 2 more semester left of my undergrad, I cant fuck it up academically now!
Things haven't all been bad though. A few friends convinced me to go out with them this past Saturday and I had a blast. It started with 4 beers in 45mins-1hour. It was fast enough people commented on it, haha. Then we moved it to downtown. Started in a bar that I would have loved had it not been "first year crowded". We joked that we saw Edward Cullen and Polly D in the same place. Eventually we left and went to our normal go-to place which recently had bee playing some really crappy music, which hadn't helped with the whole "good time out" the past couple of times I had gone there. This time however, they were playing a great mix of music. Within about 15 mins on the dance floor I suddenly had a guy behind me dancing, but unforunately he was gross. I hate to turn anyone down because well...I seldom get attention, but I do still have my own standards. He was a bit persistent but after some help from one of my friends Boyfriends, I was free from him. Later on in the night when a couple of us went up for another round of drinks, I managed to have a guy come up and talk to me, who I eventually pursuaded to come out to the dance floor... and later on in the evening got his number! Him and I texted back and forth for a bit the following day, and then he stopped responding. No big deal though. Its not actually a big deal if he's not interested. For me, it as more the act of having the courage to 1. Ask him to dance and then 2. ask him for his number. I'm hoping that next time I go out, that courage will translate over. It's hard to say because my self esteem and self image are so variable, but hey, its another thing that helps in the long run!
Anyways, I also wanted to share this song... it's one that's been on near constant repeat when I've been at my computer. I absolutely love it.... I've said I should adopt it as my anthem. I freaking love Pink. She sings about so many of the issues that effect me. I give her kudos for having the courage to tackle them in her music.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Snow Globe
I haven't written creatively in ages. I guess I just haven't felt anything intensely enough to actually be compelled to write. Which is weird. This piece is more or less me rambling, through a somewhat intoxicated mind. Regardless, I forgot how therapeutic it can be some times. But... here goes. It's definitely not my best work ever, but hey it got what I was feeling out... and that's all that matters right?
Snow Globe
My mind feels like a snow globe,
Pieces of my life swirling around.
I cannot make sense of them, and therefore,
Cannot make sense of myself.
I’m stupid and I’m ugly,
And even though I may try,
I still fail miserably , at trying not to cry.
I feel so intensely,
Everything just needs to slow down, down and down.
I’m tired of the pressure,
Coming from everywhere I turn.
4th year. Graduate. Single. Succeed.
Beautiful. Skinny. De-flowered. Work.
Just to name a few.
I often feel like I’m lagging,
That I’m running out of time.
I’m tired of the same routine,
Dancing like a piece of meat, only to be passed by.
Drowning to the same old hip hop song, looking at the same old crowd.
Deserving of the title wallflower,
Feeling destined to be alone.
I’m sick of hearing talk of obesity
As if the world is throwing it in my face,
I feel trapped in my own body, without an escape,
As I’m sabatoged once more.
I need the time, to get a head, to beat this,
Exercise game.
I cringe when friends say I’m beautiful,
Knowing that my eyes, they lie,
As every time I view the mirror, all I see is flaws.
I’m getting tired of the struggle and,
I crave normalcy.
I hate feeling like a killjoy,
And I know I’m awkward socially,
The bar is like being put on stage,
When you have stage fright.
You want to have fun, but often times you,
Quiver in fear.
Will I be noticed? Do I dance well enough?
Did I wear enough make-up? Do I look hot enough?
But what is "enough"?
My mind feels like a snow globe,
These are my thoughts drifting down.
Snow Globe
My mind feels like a snow globe,
Pieces of my life swirling around.
I cannot make sense of them, and therefore,
Cannot make sense of myself.
I’m stupid and I’m ugly,
And even though I may try,
I still fail miserably , at trying not to cry.
I feel so intensely,
Everything just needs to slow down, down and down.
I’m tired of the pressure,
Coming from everywhere I turn.
4th year. Graduate. Single. Succeed.
Beautiful. Skinny. De-flowered. Work.
Just to name a few.
I often feel like I’m lagging,
That I’m running out of time.
I’m tired of the same routine,
Dancing like a piece of meat, only to be passed by.
Drowning to the same old hip hop song, looking at the same old crowd.
Deserving of the title wallflower,
Feeling destined to be alone.
I’m sick of hearing talk of obesity
As if the world is throwing it in my face,
I feel trapped in my own body, without an escape,
As I’m sabatoged once more.
I need the time, to get a head, to beat this,
Exercise game.
I cringe when friends say I’m beautiful,
Knowing that my eyes, they lie,
As every time I view the mirror, all I see is flaws.
I’m getting tired of the struggle and,
I crave normalcy.
I hate feeling like a killjoy,
And I know I’m awkward socially,
The bar is like being put on stage,
When you have stage fright.
You want to have fun, but often times you,
Quiver in fear.
Will I be noticed? Do I dance well enough?
Did I wear enough make-up? Do I look hot enough?
But what is "enough"?
My mind feels like a snow globe,
These are my thoughts drifting down.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Can I Get Off This Ride Now? Please?
Things have been...whats the best way to say it? Crazy? Yeah, I think that's the word, and quite frankly friends, I want off this tilt-a-whirl already. I'm done with it, it's only making me dizzy. Refund, rain check, I don't care just let me off already!
I totally forgot how much more work 5 courses is as compared to just 4, which I've spoiled myself with for the past year and a half. Between now and the end of the month, I have a grand total of 5 presentations and 4 papers due, not to mention 2 more mini papers and gosh knows how many more quizzes between two of my classes. Basically midterms ended, I had about 4 days of 'break' where my mind was a complete and total bucket of mush, spent gloriously recovering watching mindless television and movies every evening. Then back to the grind, and I'm finding it insanely, insanely hard to get back to work, and focus. Now, when I say 5 presentations, I don't mean like formal, get up in front of your university class and talk about something you researched. No, one of my courses is a seminar course, and for the second half of the course we actually go into high schools and teach high school students. It's a really, neat and awesome concept and I really, really enjoy it, but together, my group and I spent about 5 hours putting together our lesson plans for our lessons this week, and each class is 75 minutes long, so yeah I totally think they classify as presentations. And on top of all this, I'm currently getting sick. I've got a bit of a sore throat and have been coughing up phlegm. Great end to the semester! I just hope it doesn't carry on into exams!
My mind has been playing come and go games, and I know that the other night, I had a major melt down bit, and I did some 'thought cascading' or 'free association' whatever which way you want to put it, and once I was calmed down, was amazed at the attrocious things that were flying through my head. Some of it was about my body, and my image of it, some of it was based on family stressors that I feel as if I'm responsible for, and a lot of it was about feeling worn out or "done" as I put it. I've been working my ass off academically this semester, and so far, mark wise its paying off, with an average that is probably around 80% or higher, and there are some days where I'm out of the house from 8am all the way through to around 9pm. My world is School, teaching, work, sleep, repeat. To the point where I went to the Royal with my housemate on Saturday, and felt guilty for taking a day off to go out. Why? Because I wasn't getting any school work done. Kinda sad isn't it?
I mean, overall, I'm tired, and stressed but I'm not feeling badly. I'm just feeling the wear of my blistering schedule, and really, I just want the semester to be over. I'm one of those weird people who actually LIKE final exams. Yes, they're exams and yes, as a general rule they suck, but I much rather have finals, where all I have to do is study, write and repeat, rather than this whole, go to lecture, keep up with readings, do assignments and study all at the same time that goes along with regular class work and midterm season.
At the start of the semester, my staff team and I decided to join a intermural innertube water polo team. At first I joined, rather tentatively, refusing to play anything but goalie, because I had this notion that there was no way I could "get my fat ass to sit in the tube". Now, this expectation came from a previous attempt at playing this game, that I was kind of rushed into, and I was by no means able to actually get myself into the tube and sit in it. Well, a few games in, I finally got enough courage to actually try to make it work, and after a few tries, I was actually able to balance myself in the tube, and slowly started to be able to make myself get around in it. In our last game, we ended up having to default, because not enough of our players showed up, but we ended up just having a scrimmage with some of the players from the other team on our side. I have to say that that was perhaps the best time I've had since we started playing. I almost actually got 3 goals, and only managed to 'dunk myself' (i.e. lost my balance in the tube and had to swim back to the side to 're mount' my tube). I'm starting to be able to swim around faster while sitting in/on the tube, and have discovered that I'm actually a decent play maker. Just don't stick me in defense because well... I'm still not that good. This was totally one of the high points of my week!
The Royal, as I mentioned earlier, although the lingering feelings of guilt was absolutely fantastic. I ended up seeing an demonstration by Stacey Westfall, a fantastic western rider, who does reining with her horses. What's neat about her though, is that she is world renowned for her bareback and bridleless performances. Although she didn't bring her fantastic, gorgeous mare, Roxy to demonstrate on, she had an equally gorgeous young stallion/gelding that she was working on. It was neat to have to take some time after her performance to go through and talk to use about the cues she uses, and the processes she goes through to get her horses to the point of working completely with out tack. I think my favourite line of the night was "counter canter... a fancy way of saying wrong lead on purpose. So, if some one calls you out for being on the wrong lead you can say "I'm counter cantering!"... unless it's your instructor than you're in trouble anyways". If you're not a horse person you might not get it, but regardless I thought it was hilarious. Other than that we got to see a bunch of other international equestrian heroes, making that night a truly spectacular one for me indeed.
Well anyways, off I go, hopefully get one of my mini papers started and/or done before I turn in for the evening.
Enjoy the song, which for once doesn't have anything to do with my given mood!
I totally forgot how much more work 5 courses is as compared to just 4, which I've spoiled myself with for the past year and a half. Between now and the end of the month, I have a grand total of 5 presentations and 4 papers due, not to mention 2 more mini papers and gosh knows how many more quizzes between two of my classes. Basically midterms ended, I had about 4 days of 'break' where my mind was a complete and total bucket of mush, spent gloriously recovering watching mindless television and movies every evening. Then back to the grind, and I'm finding it insanely, insanely hard to get back to work, and focus. Now, when I say 5 presentations, I don't mean like formal, get up in front of your university class and talk about something you researched. No, one of my courses is a seminar course, and for the second half of the course we actually go into high schools and teach high school students. It's a really, neat and awesome concept and I really, really enjoy it, but together, my group and I spent about 5 hours putting together our lesson plans for our lessons this week, and each class is 75 minutes long, so yeah I totally think they classify as presentations. And on top of all this, I'm currently getting sick. I've got a bit of a sore throat and have been coughing up phlegm. Great end to the semester! I just hope it doesn't carry on into exams!
My mind has been playing come and go games, and I know that the other night, I had a major melt down bit, and I did some 'thought cascading' or 'free association' whatever which way you want to put it, and once I was calmed down, was amazed at the attrocious things that were flying through my head. Some of it was about my body, and my image of it, some of it was based on family stressors that I feel as if I'm responsible for, and a lot of it was about feeling worn out or "done" as I put it. I've been working my ass off academically this semester, and so far, mark wise its paying off, with an average that is probably around 80% or higher, and there are some days where I'm out of the house from 8am all the way through to around 9pm. My world is School, teaching, work, sleep, repeat. To the point where I went to the Royal with my housemate on Saturday, and felt guilty for taking a day off to go out. Why? Because I wasn't getting any school work done. Kinda sad isn't it?
I mean, overall, I'm tired, and stressed but I'm not feeling badly. I'm just feeling the wear of my blistering schedule, and really, I just want the semester to be over. I'm one of those weird people who actually LIKE final exams. Yes, they're exams and yes, as a general rule they suck, but I much rather have finals, where all I have to do is study, write and repeat, rather than this whole, go to lecture, keep up with readings, do assignments and study all at the same time that goes along with regular class work and midterm season.
At the start of the semester, my staff team and I decided to join a intermural innertube water polo team. At first I joined, rather tentatively, refusing to play anything but goalie, because I had this notion that there was no way I could "get my fat ass to sit in the tube". Now, this expectation came from a previous attempt at playing this game, that I was kind of rushed into, and I was by no means able to actually get myself into the tube and sit in it. Well, a few games in, I finally got enough courage to actually try to make it work, and after a few tries, I was actually able to balance myself in the tube, and slowly started to be able to make myself get around in it. In our last game, we ended up having to default, because not enough of our players showed up, but we ended up just having a scrimmage with some of the players from the other team on our side. I have to say that that was perhaps the best time I've had since we started playing. I almost actually got 3 goals, and only managed to 'dunk myself' (i.e. lost my balance in the tube and had to swim back to the side to 're mount' my tube). I'm starting to be able to swim around faster while sitting in/on the tube, and have discovered that I'm actually a decent play maker. Just don't stick me in defense because well... I'm still not that good. This was totally one of the high points of my week!
The Royal, as I mentioned earlier, although the lingering feelings of guilt was absolutely fantastic. I ended up seeing an demonstration by Stacey Westfall, a fantastic western rider, who does reining with her horses. What's neat about her though, is that she is world renowned for her bareback and bridleless performances. Although she didn't bring her fantastic, gorgeous mare, Roxy to demonstrate on, she had an equally gorgeous young stallion/gelding that she was working on. It was neat to have to take some time after her performance to go through and talk to use about the cues she uses, and the processes she goes through to get her horses to the point of working completely with out tack. I think my favourite line of the night was "counter canter... a fancy way of saying wrong lead on purpose. So, if some one calls you out for being on the wrong lead you can say "I'm counter cantering!"... unless it's your instructor than you're in trouble anyways". If you're not a horse person you might not get it, but regardless I thought it was hilarious. Other than that we got to see a bunch of other international equestrian heroes, making that night a truly spectacular one for me indeed.
Well anyways, off I go, hopefully get one of my mini papers started and/or done before I turn in for the evening.
Enjoy the song, which for once doesn't have anything to do with my given mood!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
She's a Diamond on a Landmine
Yes, I know, another massive gap between posts. All I have to say is that I absolutely hate school this year, hate it, hate it, hate it. It's not my classes, or the people I live with, or friends, or class mates. I just plain and simply feel burnt out. It might have something to do with being just insanely busy regardless, between 5 courses and meetings and meetings...oh and office hours. I keep trying to tell myself that I only feel way more stressed because I stepped back up to 5 courses, and forgot how much of a pain in the ass it actually is. It's amazing how brutal just one simple class can be sometimes. Most of my courses also have a massive workload. I guess it's to be suspected at the 4th year level, but really... I'm only taking one 4th year class at the moment. Just massive 3rd year classes I guess.
I'm felling isolated too. I've only gotten to visit home once this semester, and what did I spend it doing? Holed up in my room studying because I had a midterm the day after Thanksgiving. There goes any family time. I felt horrible too, my mom tends to get kinda, err annoyed, when we go home and don't spend much time with the family. Now, they realized I had a midterm so it wasn't like I was doing it to be a bitch or anything, but I still felt bad. I don't see basically any of my friends any more, besides the one that I live with or the ones that I see while in class. School and other commitments, on both ends. Basically I feel lonely. I'm sure it will pass. I'm just stressed out. I just keep telling myself that anyways. I'm waiting for the break down. I can feel it looming. I'm not sleeping decently, my sleep cycles completely messed up from a job I was helping out with... but that should be adjusted by now. I'm thinking its stress. In midterm season (and final season for that matter) the first thing to go is m sleeping schedule. I mean some nights it's legitimately being awake studying, but most of the time, from 11 or 12 onward, I don't do anything, but can't sleep (which is probably why its almost 1:30am and I'm on here writing). Now I'm just on the look out for onset of other problems that like to surface at this time of the year. If they do I have to try to keep them at bay.
On that note, I feel super lazy. I bought a gym membership, but have only had the time/energy to go a handful of times this semester. It makes me feel disgusting. I mean I've gained a pound or 2 but for the most part have held steady since when I first moved back up into this setting. Which I mean is better than gaining, but no where nears as good as losing. As I've mentioned before, I'm not dancing which is making me feel even more monsterous. On the plus side I did join our staffs Inner Tube Waterpolo intermural team. I mean I don't play much maybe only 10-15 mins per game, but its some sort of physical activity. I also try to get on walks in our Arboretum when I have the chance. I know I'm doing the best I can, but I feel like its not enough. I'm fat, I'm lazy, I'm disgusting. Or so the mental reel spins to me. Haha mind, I'm getting smart to your games. I know that there are some external influences contributing to the negative self image right now. Considering in the past week, I've had 4 classes, separately tell me that when selecting a mate, men subconsciously look for slender women, and that less often go for 'fat' women.... guess there's no hope, regardless of if these numbers are just averages or not. I'm still at the extreme end of those scores, so really my chances don't look good... oh wait, unless I go to the Dominican, where the locals look for overweight women, figuring that they have low self-esteem and are more 'vulnerable', so they believe that said women will be more free with their money... No thanks, not for me. Anyways, I know at this point even if I was twig thin, I wouldn't have time to devote myself to a relationship, and I just keep trying to remind myself of that.... as well as the fact that things happen when they're supposed to. It's about time I take some of my own advice and apply it to what's going on in my own life.
Overall, I just feel like I'm sitting on a landmine. I'm agitated, not sleeping, angry, upset. I'm getting annoyed with people easily, both friends and strangers/professionals/co-workers/myself, I'm feeling like breaking down over simple, stupid things. I'm done, done done. I'm bottling things up, and am just waiting for the explosion. 3, 2, 1.... brace for impact.
I'm felling isolated too. I've only gotten to visit home once this semester, and what did I spend it doing? Holed up in my room studying because I had a midterm the day after Thanksgiving. There goes any family time. I felt horrible too, my mom tends to get kinda, err annoyed, when we go home and don't spend much time with the family. Now, they realized I had a midterm so it wasn't like I was doing it to be a bitch or anything, but I still felt bad. I don't see basically any of my friends any more, besides the one that I live with or the ones that I see while in class. School and other commitments, on both ends. Basically I feel lonely. I'm sure it will pass. I'm just stressed out. I just keep telling myself that anyways. I'm waiting for the break down. I can feel it looming. I'm not sleeping decently, my sleep cycles completely messed up from a job I was helping out with... but that should be adjusted by now. I'm thinking its stress. In midterm season (and final season for that matter) the first thing to go is m sleeping schedule. I mean some nights it's legitimately being awake studying, but most of the time, from 11 or 12 onward, I don't do anything, but can't sleep (which is probably why its almost 1:30am and I'm on here writing). Now I'm just on the look out for onset of other problems that like to surface at this time of the year. If they do I have to try to keep them at bay.
On that note, I feel super lazy. I bought a gym membership, but have only had the time/energy to go a handful of times this semester. It makes me feel disgusting. I mean I've gained a pound or 2 but for the most part have held steady since when I first moved back up into this setting. Which I mean is better than gaining, but no where nears as good as losing. As I've mentioned before, I'm not dancing which is making me feel even more monsterous. On the plus side I did join our staffs Inner Tube Waterpolo intermural team. I mean I don't play much maybe only 10-15 mins per game, but its some sort of physical activity. I also try to get on walks in our Arboretum when I have the chance. I know I'm doing the best I can, but I feel like its not enough. I'm fat, I'm lazy, I'm disgusting. Or so the mental reel spins to me. Haha mind, I'm getting smart to your games. I know that there are some external influences contributing to the negative self image right now. Considering in the past week, I've had 4 classes, separately tell me that when selecting a mate, men subconsciously look for slender women, and that less often go for 'fat' women.... guess there's no hope, regardless of if these numbers are just averages or not. I'm still at the extreme end of those scores, so really my chances don't look good... oh wait, unless I go to the Dominican, where the locals look for overweight women, figuring that they have low self-esteem and are more 'vulnerable', so they believe that said women will be more free with their money... No thanks, not for me. Anyways, I know at this point even if I was twig thin, I wouldn't have time to devote myself to a relationship, and I just keep trying to remind myself of that.... as well as the fact that things happen when they're supposed to. It's about time I take some of my own advice and apply it to what's going on in my own life.
Overall, I just feel like I'm sitting on a landmine. I'm agitated, not sleeping, angry, upset. I'm getting annoyed with people easily, both friends and strangers/professionals/co-workers/myself, I'm feeling like breaking down over simple, stupid things. I'm done, done done. I'm bottling things up, and am just waiting for the explosion. 3, 2, 1.... brace for impact.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Torn Apart At The Seams
Okay, I know another really, really long gap between posts. Training was busy, and kept me on my toes, which left time for writing and catching up scarce. There's a whole lot thats happened, and much of it has me feeling really, super low tonight. I'm sure the little bit of alcohol I have in my system (literally not a lot though, 2 coolers and 1 glass of beer). I should probably be in bed right now, but I don't think I could sleep before I have this junk written down. Although, I'm not quite sure where I would like to start. I could start with the fact that I had an absolutely terrible night out today, and its now almost 3 am the night before I start classes, or I could back track and talk about the movies last night which led to utter shame and embarassment.... but perhaps talking about things from the start of training is the best place to start.
So I guess I'll start with the boy. And fair warning this will sound malodramatic and stupid, but believe me I feel utterly idiotic at the moment about the entire situation. I try not to use names on here, so he will remain nameless, and I think that overall the situation warrants that respect. But anyways. Upon arriving at training for the start of the semester I found myself crushing upon one of my team mates. He's smart, and we have things in common, and listens to you when you're talking and seems to generally just get along with everyone. I also thought that physically he was also attractive. As training went on my attraction grew, and there were a few moments of some signals that felt as if he might actually be interested in me. To test this theory, I had asked him to a movie with one of my friends too, and he agreed. And then came after training Banquet... lets just say that in the midst of my intoxicated state, I let my boundaries disappear and I kissed him, albeit on the cheek. Cut to movie day. So we meet to go to the show and we're on the bus talking about numerous things, and I again apologize for my behaviour Thursday evening, thinking that he remembered that I kissed him.... needless to say he didnt and was taken quite a back by it. He states that he's confused as to why I would have done such a thing. Now this leads to the awkward conversation I was really trying to avoid having at that point in time. So I basically say "well why do you think?" and he said he thought so. I suggested that we talk about it after the movies and he agrees. After the movie he asks to talk to me alone as we're getting off the bus. I have to say when it came to this he was absolutely sweet about the conversation. Basically in the most knightly manner possible he gently tells me that he's not interested, and that he figures that at some point there were some mixed signals sent and that he was very sorry if there were, an that he wasn't trying to lead me on. He says that he's glad we could talk about it like adults, and that friendship is an option. I had a lot to say to him, too much to post on here really. But now overall, I mean I'm cool with the fact that he doesn't think of me in that way, I mean I've been saying for quite some time now that I really didn't think that he liked me back in the same way that I like him. And I'm totally content just being friends, but really I'm embarrassed about how I had behaved leading up to the situation and I'm afraid that although he's cool with being 'just friends' ( or so he says he is) i'm terrified that he will be super awkward from there on in. Everyone keeps telling me that it doesn't matter, and as long as I don't act shaken by it, he wont have the same sort of reaction. That is something I do find hard to believe though. I feel like I fucked up and there's absolutely no question about it and nothing I can say or do will make any sort of difference. Overall, I just feel numb and confused and other somewhat scary emotions like anxiety. So once again, I fail in the love department, something that I know far to well and have just learned to expect to happen. Right now I'm feeling like I'm going to be ending up totally alone for the rest of all times.
This whole situation was made worse while we were out for another staff members birthday and certain people who were out there were trying to encourage me to text said boy and ask him to join us down town can you say awkward?
.:UPDATE:. (this post was started a couple of days ago so I do have a bit of an update) I spoke to him for the first time since our discussion after the movies last night, and I am happy to say things weren't nearly as awkward as I was afraid they would be, we seemed to fall right back into step with each other and that's exactly what I was hoping for after the above mentioned situation.
Anyways, going with what I think I was getting at before... There has been some drama with my parents in regards to employment, making school and money a bit of a worry this year. Dad was laid off again, officially on the day I had to move back up to school, and Mom is facing a bit of a job change, one that will result in a pay cut. What's making it hard on me, is that her and my father are at odds over her decisions, but he doesn't know the full story as to why it is happening, as Mom refuses to tell him, or my brother, so I'm the only one that knows what's really happening. Basically I'm getting shit on from both ends because Dad's complaining to me about Mom and her decision, that I can't say anything about, and then I'm listening to her complain about my Dad being upset with her, and when I tell her that she just needs to tell him the truth she comes up with every excuse managable to NOT tell him. So I'm about ready to throw in the towel on this one and say that I really just don't give a fuck anymore. I mean I really do, they're helping to pay for school so money is important, but I'm just about ready to give up playing the middle man, I'm thoroughly sick of it.
Classes have started again, and they all seem pretty neat, well out of the ones I've already sat through. I have to say the 2 courses I'm the most excited for are my Human Sexuality course and my one Clinical Psychology course. One of them deals with sex, sex and more sex and the other one involves a bit of field type placements going into local schools to deliver programs relating to whatever the topic of focus for that semesters course is. I'm really excited to be getting some hands on experience now. And well for the Human Sexuality course, I think it's just going to be a blast to go to, and I think the text book will be a ton of fun to read too, which will be a well welcomed change from all the other junk I have to read on a regular basis. Right now I've been trying to read for my Cross-Cultural Psychology course, and the textbook is sooooo dry. Oh! Random thought. Can anyone tell me why all psychology textbooks ALWAYS have to have the second chapter devoted to nothing but research methods? I mean by 3rd and 4th year we shouldn't have to be reading all of that junk unless its completely off the wall from anything else we've already learned? There's only so many times you can read things like "this is what a hypothesis is" "this is what a variable is" "these are the different types of experiments and different types of statistics"... I've been taking 4 years of the same junk, and have had at least 4 other courses on nothing but research methods and stats.
The house mates are all moved in. I'm glad to have my friend here, but my opinions on the other two house mates are still yet to be developed. I haven't gotten to see them enough to fully get a feel for them. The only thing so far I wish could be different, is that the one would have waited a week or two of having the entire house together before bringing the boyfriend over for the weekend. I mean they're all nice enough and what not, but I'm shy and too many new people for me at once generally doesnt end very well because I just can't seem to open up. I'm getting better with the other housemate so far and the other one I just dont see enough that it makes it hard to full get a grasp of her.
Anyways, I've been on a bit of a 8am schedule recently, so being up at 1am is actually rendering me exhausted at the moment. The song that was running through my head when I had initially started writing this post was "All These Things I Hate (Revolve Around Me) by Bullet For My Valentine" so, have a listen while you read!
So I guess I'll start with the boy. And fair warning this will sound malodramatic and stupid, but believe me I feel utterly idiotic at the moment about the entire situation. I try not to use names on here, so he will remain nameless, and I think that overall the situation warrants that respect. But anyways. Upon arriving at training for the start of the semester I found myself crushing upon one of my team mates. He's smart, and we have things in common, and listens to you when you're talking and seems to generally just get along with everyone. I also thought that physically he was also attractive. As training went on my attraction grew, and there were a few moments of some signals that felt as if he might actually be interested in me. To test this theory, I had asked him to a movie with one of my friends too, and he agreed. And then came after training Banquet... lets just say that in the midst of my intoxicated state, I let my boundaries disappear and I kissed him, albeit on the cheek. Cut to movie day. So we meet to go to the show and we're on the bus talking about numerous things, and I again apologize for my behaviour Thursday evening, thinking that he remembered that I kissed him.... needless to say he didnt and was taken quite a back by it. He states that he's confused as to why I would have done such a thing. Now this leads to the awkward conversation I was really trying to avoid having at that point in time. So I basically say "well why do you think?" and he said he thought so. I suggested that we talk about it after the movies and he agrees. After the movie he asks to talk to me alone as we're getting off the bus. I have to say when it came to this he was absolutely sweet about the conversation. Basically in the most knightly manner possible he gently tells me that he's not interested, and that he figures that at some point there were some mixed signals sent and that he was very sorry if there were, an that he wasn't trying to lead me on. He says that he's glad we could talk about it like adults, and that friendship is an option. I had a lot to say to him, too much to post on here really. But now overall, I mean I'm cool with the fact that he doesn't think of me in that way, I mean I've been saying for quite some time now that I really didn't think that he liked me back in the same way that I like him. And I'm totally content just being friends, but really I'm embarrassed about how I had behaved leading up to the situation and I'm afraid that although he's cool with being 'just friends' ( or so he says he is) i'm terrified that he will be super awkward from there on in. Everyone keeps telling me that it doesn't matter, and as long as I don't act shaken by it, he wont have the same sort of reaction. That is something I do find hard to believe though. I feel like I fucked up and there's absolutely no question about it and nothing I can say or do will make any sort of difference. Overall, I just feel numb and confused and other somewhat scary emotions like anxiety. So once again, I fail in the love department, something that I know far to well and have just learned to expect to happen. Right now I'm feeling like I'm going to be ending up totally alone for the rest of all times.
This whole situation was made worse while we were out for another staff members birthday and certain people who were out there were trying to encourage me to text said boy and ask him to join us down town can you say awkward?
.:UPDATE:. (this post was started a couple of days ago so I do have a bit of an update) I spoke to him for the first time since our discussion after the movies last night, and I am happy to say things weren't nearly as awkward as I was afraid they would be, we seemed to fall right back into step with each other and that's exactly what I was hoping for after the above mentioned situation.
Anyways, going with what I think I was getting at before... There has been some drama with my parents in regards to employment, making school and money a bit of a worry this year. Dad was laid off again, officially on the day I had to move back up to school, and Mom is facing a bit of a job change, one that will result in a pay cut. What's making it hard on me, is that her and my father are at odds over her decisions, but he doesn't know the full story as to why it is happening, as Mom refuses to tell him, or my brother, so I'm the only one that knows what's really happening. Basically I'm getting shit on from both ends because Dad's complaining to me about Mom and her decision, that I can't say anything about, and then I'm listening to her complain about my Dad being upset with her, and when I tell her that she just needs to tell him the truth she comes up with every excuse managable to NOT tell him. So I'm about ready to throw in the towel on this one and say that I really just don't give a fuck anymore. I mean I really do, they're helping to pay for school so money is important, but I'm just about ready to give up playing the middle man, I'm thoroughly sick of it.
Classes have started again, and they all seem pretty neat, well out of the ones I've already sat through. I have to say the 2 courses I'm the most excited for are my Human Sexuality course and my one Clinical Psychology course. One of them deals with sex, sex and more sex and the other one involves a bit of field type placements going into local schools to deliver programs relating to whatever the topic of focus for that semesters course is. I'm really excited to be getting some hands on experience now. And well for the Human Sexuality course, I think it's just going to be a blast to go to, and I think the text book will be a ton of fun to read too, which will be a well welcomed change from all the other junk I have to read on a regular basis. Right now I've been trying to read for my Cross-Cultural Psychology course, and the textbook is sooooo dry. Oh! Random thought. Can anyone tell me why all psychology textbooks ALWAYS have to have the second chapter devoted to nothing but research methods? I mean by 3rd and 4th year we shouldn't have to be reading all of that junk unless its completely off the wall from anything else we've already learned? There's only so many times you can read things like "this is what a hypothesis is" "this is what a variable is" "these are the different types of experiments and different types of statistics"... I've been taking 4 years of the same junk, and have had at least 4 other courses on nothing but research methods and stats.
The house mates are all moved in. I'm glad to have my friend here, but my opinions on the other two house mates are still yet to be developed. I haven't gotten to see them enough to fully get a feel for them. The only thing so far I wish could be different, is that the one would have waited a week or two of having the entire house together before bringing the boyfriend over for the weekend. I mean they're all nice enough and what not, but I'm shy and too many new people for me at once generally doesnt end very well because I just can't seem to open up. I'm getting better with the other housemate so far and the other one I just dont see enough that it makes it hard to full get a grasp of her.
Anyways, I've been on a bit of a 8am schedule recently, so being up at 1am is actually rendering me exhausted at the moment. The song that was running through my head when I had initially started writing this post was "All These Things I Hate (Revolve Around Me) by Bullet For My Valentine" so, have a listen while you read!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Can You Save Yourself?
So now that I'm back to school and back to training, I suppose I should start this thing back up. At least I'll now have new and potentially exciting information I can add, considering that life here changes on a day to day basis. Leading up to coming back there had been some interesting bits that happened, could have made for a couple interesting entries, but I guess I could always just talk a bout them now.
First of all, I managed to FINALLY get my G2. I've always been a bit nervous behind the wheel of a vehicle, so I was a rather late bloomer in getting to this stage. I'm 22 now and just got my G2... but on the plus side it now gave me 5 years to do my G test. So I'll have plenty of time to get ready and comfortable for that milestone when it comes.
I took a weekend at the start of August to go visit Madeleine and another friend up where we go to school and had a couple interesting experiences I guess you could say. I'm not used to being the first one to get any attention from the opposite sex, but at the first bar we went to, I had a guy actually come and pick me off the side of the bar where we were sitting, and bring me out to the dance floor. Nothing major happened with it, but overall it was a nice experience. Later on when we had switched locations, there was some good and bad parts to that location. There was a particular boy whom I was somewhat interested in, who ended up being far more interested in one of my two friends than me. Needless to say, that was a little bit of a blow, but it wasn't her fault as she had no idea that I was interested in him. Teaches me a lesson if anything... maybe speak up sooner? But regardless it wouldn't have stopped his actions. So after taking a break to try to calm down a bit, another random boy comes and sits down with me and my other friend, and makes some random conversation with me. I talk for a bit, and it leads to him saying the following "Okay, I just want to know three things. 1. What's your agenda? 2. What are some of your interests? 3. What do I need to do to get you to bed tonight?" at this point I almost didn't know what to say. Ended up telling him that I didn't really have an agenda for the night, listed some interests and told him I wasn't that easy to get to bed.... after which he proceeded to tell me that he never said I was easy. Lets just say that shortly after he left and went to probably pull the same line on another girl somewhere else in the bar. Now if only I was into drunken one night stands, that could have been a bit of fun.. but really, I'm by no means that type of girl.
In other news, I had put myself in a pretty vulnerable position just before returning to campus. While I was cleaning and packing my things for the move, I came across a couple of my old journals. All I can say is that they're...scary... to go back and read... enough so that they had to come with me in fear of my parents finding them if by chance they decided to once again rearrange my room. They're totally filled with confusion, calorie counts, meal plans, insults to myself, self hatred and self distortion. Enough so that the strong emotions really, really triggered me, putting me on the brink of falling back into some sort of pattern, especially with the stress of the move an my vulnerability to stress when it comes to my eating disordered behaviours. It's still carrying over a bit, but nothing that, at this point, I'm overly worried about... Training provides us with a ton of food, something in which I'm trying to control what I'm eating (but in all honesty I failed miserably, and have been trying to not think of all the potential calories I ate..... because I have a rough estimate in my head and believe me its not a pretty number). I'm also going nuts not exercising now that I'm actually back on campus. I mean it's not like I'm being totally sedentary. We have 12 hour days and they do consist of a lot of transit time between session locations. Now if the pedometer in my phone is at least somewhat correct, on Monday I took 14105 steps, for a total of 10.9km and apparently 1023 cals (but I doubt the calorie total... the phone is not caliberated for that sort of thing in my opinion) and today had 14088 steps and says 11.2km... which is why I'm not sure about the accuracy of it all... but I think the steps are atleast a reasonable judge... and I mean they say you should take 10,000 steps a day, so right now this is a good thing.
I have been weighing myself at least twice a day for far too long now. And am doing it even more so now that I'm here and don't yet have any housemates in with me. I have to stop that though... specially because it drives me nuts if it says I've gained weight (such as today) even though I know that if I want to weigh myself on a daily basis it should only be in the morning, because food and fluid only makes you "gain" throughout the day. I might actually start keeping a food journal again though, not to count calories (or try not to anyways) but to at least get an idea of where I need to tweak my eating habits. It might not be as bad once trainings done though, because once training is done I'm back to making my own food, and my goal is to lose weight with this endeavour... just how I get there isn't set in stone. I'm hoping to try to eat more vegetarian now, again to cut out as much red meat as I possibly can, and to exercise 3x a week. I do still need to get my meeting and office hour schedules but it'll work.
Speaking of gym, I have to say that I'm absolutely PISSED that they upped the prices of my dance classes. They went from $42 to $60. I have no idea if I can even consider affording them at this point. Especially if I want to do ballet... but even ballet is up in the air, not because I can't afford it (I had initially budgeted for it, because my normal instructor isn't teaching the Hip Hop and Jazz classes, making me very nervous to take them now... although she might harm me if I don't take any of them) but because we might need to have 10:15pm meetings because of the icky 5:30 time slot the university decided to through classes into.
Anyways, thats a bit of an update...more to come as more unfolds. I'm hoping to write a whole bunch more now. Maybe it'll be a mid year resolution for me lol!
Current song playing in my head: Save Yourself by Sense Field
First of all, I managed to FINALLY get my G2. I've always been a bit nervous behind the wheel of a vehicle, so I was a rather late bloomer in getting to this stage. I'm 22 now and just got my G2... but on the plus side it now gave me 5 years to do my G test. So I'll have plenty of time to get ready and comfortable for that milestone when it comes.
I took a weekend at the start of August to go visit Madeleine and another friend up where we go to school and had a couple interesting experiences I guess you could say. I'm not used to being the first one to get any attention from the opposite sex, but at the first bar we went to, I had a guy actually come and pick me off the side of the bar where we were sitting, and bring me out to the dance floor. Nothing major happened with it, but overall it was a nice experience. Later on when we had switched locations, there was some good and bad parts to that location. There was a particular boy whom I was somewhat interested in, who ended up being far more interested in one of my two friends than me. Needless to say, that was a little bit of a blow, but it wasn't her fault as she had no idea that I was interested in him. Teaches me a lesson if anything... maybe speak up sooner? But regardless it wouldn't have stopped his actions. So after taking a break to try to calm down a bit, another random boy comes and sits down with me and my other friend, and makes some random conversation with me. I talk for a bit, and it leads to him saying the following "Okay, I just want to know three things. 1. What's your agenda? 2. What are some of your interests? 3. What do I need to do to get you to bed tonight?" at this point I almost didn't know what to say. Ended up telling him that I didn't really have an agenda for the night, listed some interests and told him I wasn't that easy to get to bed.... after which he proceeded to tell me that he never said I was easy. Lets just say that shortly after he left and went to probably pull the same line on another girl somewhere else in the bar. Now if only I was into drunken one night stands, that could have been a bit of fun.. but really, I'm by no means that type of girl.
In other news, I had put myself in a pretty vulnerable position just before returning to campus. While I was cleaning and packing my things for the move, I came across a couple of my old journals. All I can say is that they're...scary... to go back and read... enough so that they had to come with me in fear of my parents finding them if by chance they decided to once again rearrange my room. They're totally filled with confusion, calorie counts, meal plans, insults to myself, self hatred and self distortion. Enough so that the strong emotions really, really triggered me, putting me on the brink of falling back into some sort of pattern, especially with the stress of the move an my vulnerability to stress when it comes to my eating disordered behaviours. It's still carrying over a bit, but nothing that, at this point, I'm overly worried about... Training provides us with a ton of food, something in which I'm trying to control what I'm eating (but in all honesty I failed miserably, and have been trying to not think of all the potential calories I ate..... because I have a rough estimate in my head and believe me its not a pretty number). I'm also going nuts not exercising now that I'm actually back on campus. I mean it's not like I'm being totally sedentary. We have 12 hour days and they do consist of a lot of transit time between session locations. Now if the pedometer in my phone is at least somewhat correct, on Monday I took 14105 steps, for a total of 10.9km and apparently 1023 cals (but I doubt the calorie total... the phone is not caliberated for that sort of thing in my opinion) and today had 14088 steps and says 11.2km... which is why I'm not sure about the accuracy of it all... but I think the steps are atleast a reasonable judge... and I mean they say you should take 10,000 steps a day, so right now this is a good thing.
I have been weighing myself at least twice a day for far too long now. And am doing it even more so now that I'm here and don't yet have any housemates in with me. I have to stop that though... specially because it drives me nuts if it says I've gained weight (such as today) even though I know that if I want to weigh myself on a daily basis it should only be in the morning, because food and fluid only makes you "gain" throughout the day. I might actually start keeping a food journal again though, not to count calories (or try not to anyways) but to at least get an idea of where I need to tweak my eating habits. It might not be as bad once trainings done though, because once training is done I'm back to making my own food, and my goal is to lose weight with this endeavour... just how I get there isn't set in stone. I'm hoping to try to eat more vegetarian now, again to cut out as much red meat as I possibly can, and to exercise 3x a week. I do still need to get my meeting and office hour schedules but it'll work.
Speaking of gym, I have to say that I'm absolutely PISSED that they upped the prices of my dance classes. They went from $42 to $60. I have no idea if I can even consider affording them at this point. Especially if I want to do ballet... but even ballet is up in the air, not because I can't afford it (I had initially budgeted for it, because my normal instructor isn't teaching the Hip Hop and Jazz classes, making me very nervous to take them now... although she might harm me if I don't take any of them) but because we might need to have 10:15pm meetings because of the icky 5:30 time slot the university decided to through classes into.
Anyways, thats a bit of an update...more to come as more unfolds. I'm hoping to write a whole bunch more now. Maybe it'll be a mid year resolution for me lol!
Current song playing in my head: Save Yourself by Sense Field
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